Alexandra Bacon

How to enjoy being Alone

2012-02-06T13:08:00.000-08:00

“Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.”
Paul Tillich

A client who’d recently separated from her partner asked me the other day: “how do you do being alone, I just don’t know how?” We are told that being ‘alone’ is different from being ‘lonely’ though for some the two can be intertwined. We use music, Facebook, anything to ‘avoid the void’ of feeling lonely and distract ourselves from experiencing fear. At the same time, we often crave solitude in a world that’s switched on 24/7. It can be a challenge to slow down and just ‘be’ with ourselves.

We are indeed social animals and accordingly seek out others to spend time with; ‘No man is an island’ as John Donne famously said. The illusion of ‘needing’ people runs deep in society, as does the belief that being alone equals being unhappy and isolated.

Thomas Moore, author of Care of the Soul, says, "We seem to have a complex about busyness in our culture. Most of us do have time in our days that we could devote to simple relaxation, but we convince ourselves that we don't." It seems there is always something that needs doing, always someone who needs our attention. "Unfortunately," Moore says, "we don't get a lot of support in this culture for doing nothing. If we aren't accomplishing something, we feel that we're wasting time."

Being alone in solitude allows clarity and creativity. "We live in an extremely externalized culture," Moore says. "We are constantly pulled outside ourselves—by other people, by the media, by the demands of daily life. Nothing in our culture or in our education teaches us how to go inward, how to steady the mind and calm our attention. As a consequence, we tend to devote very little time to the life of the soul, the life of the spirit."

Tips for embracing solitude:

Go on a date with yourself: Start with a small with an activity that you would normally do with another person such as going out to dinner or to the cinema. Go into it with an open and positive mind and be curious- how different/enjoyable is the experience when doing it alone? My favourite time for being alone is outside in nature, free from the distractions of my phone and laptop. Solitude and isolation do not go hand in hand. We can retreat from the world for a time without being renounced by it.

Try something new: Being with another person may help life feel safer though we can also end up avoiding trying new things and experiences and life can become stale and predictable. What have you been putting off in your life that you haven’t done or tried yet? Make a list of at least ten things and then create an action plan of when you’re going to start them. If it is something that involves some planning like going travelling or writing a book, chunk down the process into smaller steps. Then, take action!

Learn to connect with yourself: Of course, “It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself." Most of us are too busy trying to avoid feeling alone and staying focused on the external world, which results in us neglecting our internal state-our mind and emotions. Taking time out to reflect on what you feel is positive use of ‘alone time’ and enables you to check out whether you are meeting your own needs as well as others. Get to know and make friends with yourself. Start with just 5 mins at the end of the day to reflect on how you have felt through the day and what has been good can help promote positive feelings and also get you more attuned with yourself.

Learn to switch off: Staying connected to others, technology and the world for too long can be draining and lead to stress and fatigue. Ensuring you have time out to yourself is important in order to recoup your energies and maintain good boundaries in your relationships. If you find this difficult with certain people in your life, ask yourself ‘What is it about this person or relationship that I can’t allow myself space for myself?’ Are you being a pleaser or scared of how they might react if you decide to have time to yourself?

Reach out to others: Learning when you need time to be alone and time to connect with other people is important to avoid feeling isolated. Experiencing a relationship break up or bereavement for example can leave you feeling distant from others and the world. Learning ways of gradually reconnecting with the world again is important. Trying something like joining an online community forum, support group or taking up an evening class can be a good start to enable you to feel a part of the world again.

We need to balance the pace and intensity of modern life with periods of what poet May Sarton has called "open time, with no obligations except toward the inner world and what is going on there." Alone—in moments of prayer or meditation, or simply in stillness—we breathe more deeply, see more fully, hear more keenly. We notice more, and in the process, we return to what is sacred.

Ready, Set, Goal

2012-01-03T07:39:00.000-08:00

How to start a new resolution.

Christmas has been and gone and suddenly we’re in 2012; New Year being that time to reflect on what has gone and make resolutions for the year ahead. Never mind that they were the same goals for the previous year or two, this year is going to be different, right? You may be the exception, though most of us although well intentioned at the start of the year, fall short after the first obstacle comes along. In fact, only 5% of us see them through, a bit like me trying to give up chocolate- it was never going to happen!

What makes the difference with the 5% that do fulfil their aims, do they have extraordinary willpower or is it that they are just better at taking action? If you have failed to follow through on your goals in the past, it will give you little faith in the power of goal setting and your own motivation. This can also run parallel to experiencing a fear of failure or even success (yes success!); if I do achieve that, what will it mean to me or to others? Most of us are scared of change and getting out of our comfort zone. Excuses can be a shield to keep us feeling ‘safe’, even if they keep us stuck, it is familiar territory.

Sam, a client of mine came to see me wanted to lose a stone in weight. Although she had lost 3 stone in the past, she was worried about how much attention she would get from others and wanted to remain ‘invisible’. Getting to the root of the issue- her fear and self esteem issues, she was able to begin making the changes in her life that enabled her to begin losing the weight. Asking yourself the right questions can also prevent you from going into the trap of staying in your comfort zone as well as ensuring they are realistic and not just lofty aspirations.

Tips to create Goals that are motivating:

Write down your goals: Might sound obvious though only 10% of us do- remember to put it somewhere visible where you can read it everyday.
Phrase them in the Positive: ‘I want to walk each Saturday’, rather than ‘I want to stop lazing around the house at weekends’.
Make them Specific and contextualised: What exactly do you want to achieve and where? Is it in a specific context like work or in any situation? E.g. ‘To lose 8Ibs by going to the gym twice a week.’
Ensure they are Achievable: How can the goal(s) be attained? What skills or support do I need?
Make them time bound: When will you achieve this by?
Get Sensory: Create a vision of what you want to achieve in terms of what you will see, feel, hear, touch, taste as an end goal in 6 months or a year’s time. Write it in the present first person tense, as if you have already achieved it now. Keep visualising what it would feel and be like to have this goal- do you still want it? If no, make it more appealing or change your goal! As Stephen Covey said: ‘Begin with the end in mind’.

How to stick to your goals:

· Set short, medium and long term goals: Include some goals that will bring quick results to give you some confidence to move forward with more challenging goals. For example, going somewhere more adventurous on holiday or starting that French class. Set one or two goals you could achieve in the next 6 months and one that is more challenging for the next 6-12 months.

· Check Ecology: Make a list of all the obstacles that are currently stopping you or that you can forsee in the future. E.g. In Sam’s case, the fear of being noticed by others, having to give up favourite foods, the time involved. The look at ways of overcoming these- for instance, taking all the ‘bad’ foods out of the house or taking action to overcome your fears.

· Get Leverage: Once you’ve made a goal, ask yourself the following questions:

o Is it within my control?

o Why is it important that I achieve this goal?

o What will I get if I achieve it?

o What will it cost me if I don’t?

· Get Support:

o Online support: If you spend a lot of time online or are busy and like social networking, this could be good for you to have some accountability. Try 43things.com, mysomeday.com and habitforge.com

o Local Group: Teaming up with a group of people with the same aims is much more fun than doing it on your own. For example, starting an art group or travel club. Try meetup.com for existing groups in your area, or to start your own.

o Mentor or peer support: A mentor such as a friend or colleague can act as someone who you can be accountable to, or share your ups and downs with. They may be able to share your goal with you, for example, having a running buddy who can keep you motivated.

o Life Coach: Having a professional who is objective and helps to motivate you when you’ve already made a commitment to a goal can be really valuable. It needs to be someone who you can trust and build a good relationship with- ensure to ask them what their experience has been with other clients, do they have testimonials of previous successes?

· Adjust goals: Don’t be afraid to move the goal posts (pun intended) if you need to. Having flexibility in your goal setting is essential and enables you to be clear on what you do really want. For example, I may want to go to the gym three times a week though if I find that boring and I want to do something else, I can change my goal to go swimming or running instead. Take responsibility for being your own change maker and don’t be scared to dream big. Ask yourself, ‘if I knew I was going to be successful what would I be doing with my life?’ According to Brian Tracy, ‘An average person with average talent, ambition and education, can outstrip the most brilliant genius in our society, if that person has clear, focused goals.’

· Take action daily: Ask yourself each day ‘what’s one thing I can do to move me forward with my goal today?’ It might be to walk a different route to work or replace the chocolate bar on your break with some fruit. You need to make goals into daily habits, otherwise they won’t stick. Setting mini goals for yourself will also give you the motivation and confidence to move forward with the bigger goals and help create momentum. Make your goals daily actions and you will see long term results!

The Reality of Virtual Stress

2011-11-01T02:54:00.000-07:00

Life is getting as fast pace as our cars. We are expected to maintain a juggling act and keep all the balls in the air to work hard, play hard and still have time to see our friends and family. Also don’t forget keeping up with our virtual ‘friends’, one in ten admit to feeling anxious about maintaining Facebook relationships, and those with more than 117 online friends are more likely to suffer from a phobia about keeping up with their group*. Keeping up with the Joneses has never been so pertinent.

Although Social Media can be fun, it does beg the question whether staying connected to our virtual lives makes everyday life easier or more stressful, and if so, are we paying the price with the cost to our mental and emotional wellbeing?

With the ever growing presence of Social Media networks in our lives, we feel obliged to keep connected with everyone, for the fear of missing out. As users, we begin developing a habit of checking and posting status updates; the routine of which can become an obligation. We should tweet everyday, upload the latest photos or the profile itself will be outdated; we should at least “like” a friend’s status update or comment to a post to let them know we pay attention and we exist. There is a fear of being made obsolete if we don’t keep up with our virtual peers.

A recent survey conducted by Galaxy research reported that over 63% of the respondents felt that social media was a big contributor to their stress levels. The survey also indicated that social networking caused people to become anxious and pressured as they felt the need to constantly connect; checking their Facebook friends statuses, commenting on those statuses, Tweeting or reading Tweets, viewing new photo uploads, etc. Of those same respondents in the survey, 35% say they felt an “expectation” to respond to messages and status updates right away.

Feeling the pressure of doing these things often equates to having to prepare for a deadline at work or a meeting. We go into a state of hyper arousal, and with the surge of adrenalin, we begin to feel physically and mentally anxious and stressed. Even though Social Media something that we choose to engage with, or not, we find ourselves unable to switch off from it 24/7 and our brains become conditioned to use it. The habitual nature of Social Media can turn any of us into a frozen, screen staring zombie if we aren’t careful. Is it really Social Media networks themselves that are the problem then, or the expectation we have of using them?

Social media is now so accessible through your Smartphones, we don’t even need to wait to get home to our computer to ‘check in’. Many of the social outlets in the online world are much larger than those in the offline world. The online social scene enables you to keep in touch from friends all over the world, as well as locally and the opportunities for being invited to parties and social events can be extensive. Young people especially feel that they have to stay connected with those social circles to keep up with the latest gossip and social life. As we said earlier, the fear of not keeping up with our online friends can be more anxiety arousing than trying to keep up with them!

Trawling Facebook looking at pictures of your virtual ‘friends’ latest Caribbean sun drenched holiday or reading about their amazing work promotion can also leave you feeling envious and insecure as your life doesn’t seem nearly as fun, successful or glamorous. Fear not as Facebook can paint a very different picture to the reality. With our virtual lives we can distort the truth if we like, and only highlight those parts of our lives we wish to display in public. The temptation to compare our lives to others, even virtually, can lead to feelings of anxiety, inferiority, jealousy and even depression. It only reinforces our negative beliefs about ourselves and our lives, if we allow it to.

The key is creating a balance in how we use Social Media and how much we allow it to influence our way of life. We could choose to switch off from it altogether, though it does allow us access to a rich and interesting online world of friends and information that we wouldn’t have otherwise. It can also enable us to stay connected more easily to our offline friends and family when our lives are very busy. Being aware of how much of a distraction sites like Facebook can be from dealing with the reality of everyday life helps ensure it is more of a pleasure than an avoidance tactic. Making time to disconnect from the internet and reconnect with our real lives and our feelings is essential, otherwise Social Media only becomes another way of anaesthetizing our emotions. We are human beings afterall.

It does make you wonder how we managed it before we had the internet and Smartphones. Snail mail, anyone?

* http://www.austriantimes.at/news/Around_the_World/2011-08-16/35578/Facebook_phobia

Keep Calm and Carry On with Bach

2011-10-24T07:39:00.000-07:00

Trying to pursue a busy work schedule whilst maintain a family and social life can leave you feeling overwhelmed and caught a vicious cycle of stress and worry. With technology moving ever faster, we are struggling to adapt and instead of our lives being made easier, we are more under pressure to keep up. Worry isn’t always a bad thing according to research though- in fact, a healthy amount is protective health wise and can help us to succeed in life, whereas excessive amounts can be potentially hazardous.*

Bach Practitioner, Alexandra Bacon comments; “If you find keeping up with your busy life and friends is taking its toll on your emotional wellbeing then make sure you take time out to relax and re-charge. The Bach Original Flower Remedies can help you to maintain feeling well balanced and positive, even in today’s hectic, busy world. There are different remedies to suit your changing moods, which you can adapt for different periods of your life. ”

If you are feeling exhausted as a result of having to keep going and feel unable to stop then Bach^TMOriginal Flower Remedy Oak may help. This remedy helps restore physical and mental reserves and promotes self care so you can back on track with your life with more vitality. For those of us who find ourselves feeling that sense of overwhelm and despondency as a result of overwork then Bach^TMOriginal Flower Remedy Elm may also be beneficial.

Creating calm is also about changing your mindset. Most of us are too busy thinking about our ‘to do’ list, without even being aware of what’s happening in the ‘here and now’. Bach^TMOriginal Flower Remedy White Chestnut is excellent for helping to calm the mind when you feel unable to switch off that mental chatter so you can focus more easily. Trying a relaxation technique like Meditation which is proven to reduce stress and physical pain may also help.ₐ A simple starting point would be to focus on your breath; as you take in deep breaths, counting in for four and out for seven and doing that for ten minutes at a time when you need to let go of stress.

Bach Original Flower Remedies cost from £6.65 and are available from Holland & Barrett, Boots and most independent pharmacy and health food stores. For more information, visit www.bachremedies.co.uk. Always read the label.

Alexandra Bacon is an award winning Stress Management and Wellbeing Consultant based in the East Midlands. She is also a Bach Centre registered Bach Practitioner (BFRP), CBT Therapist and NLP Coach. Her website is www.lotusheal.co.uk and she can be contacted on: 07950 568635.

*http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/does-stress-help-us-succeed-2278364.html

ₐ http://www.technologyreview.com/article/38290/

Building Emotional Resilience

2011-10-04T08:15:00.000-07:00

“In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life”
Albert Bandura

Emotional resilience seems to be a buzzword nowadays- whether in education, work or our personal life, we are told we need to be more resilient, to ‘bounce back’, to be more successful in life. We all require some resilience in order to sustain ourselves through life’s challenges and survive.

What makes us more resilient is something I’d like to begin to explore; are some people just more resilient than others? There are two characteristics that resilient people tend to display, whether in reaction to stress or trauma. These are:

Emotional Control: The ability to stay calm is one of the key factors in dealing with an emergency or a crisis situation. Managing our emotions also enables us to build healthy relationships and feel a sense of empowerment in being able to regulate our experiences. Expressing what you feel without acting out is also important. A client of mine, Francine discovered this when she was dealing with being bullied at work. Rather than going into ‘victim’ mode and not saying anything or attacking back, she confronted her line manager about it as soon as it became an issue and it got resolved by being assertive.
Openness to new Experiences: The second trait displayed by resilient people is openness to new experiences and managing change. Although staying in our comfort zone may seem safe, it is through doing something new or in a different way that we expand our comfort zone and strengthen our resilience. We also develop our character and become more interesting and self aware individuals. For a start, try meeting new people, experiment with a new activity or improve on an existing skill.

It is easy allow ourselves to feel vulnerable in the midst of chaos and uncertainty; it can feel as if we are trapped in a long dark tunnel, without an end in sight. Life disruptions are not necessarily a bad thing though as they enable us grow and meet future challenges in our lives. It’s a lot like a muscle that was weak and is now getting stronger from being used. As Bandura says, it also helps us to learn self efficacy or self reliance in the face of subsequent uncertainty and difficulties, rather than going into old patterns of dependency or learned helplessness.

Charlie, who came to see me following a period of depression and work absence described his recovery as feeling like I was pulling myself out of the hole, rather than wallowing in it, and then learning to go around it rather than falling straight back in. Although we may need the support of family or friends or a therapist to cope better with a crisis, we need to be able to do it for ourselves. Emotional resilience is also about being self aware and learning to reset our internal compass to adapt to change and act on our own inner resources.

Seven Steps to Bouncing Back:

1. Keep things in Perspective. As in ‘this is just hassle with my car insurance, inconvenience with being late. It isn’t a matter of life and death’.

2. Focus on the Positive ‘Three months from now I’ll be laughing about this meeting and it won’t matter!’

3. View life’s challenges as an opportunity to build resilience. Learn to handle obstacles such as rudeness, being delayed, being kept waiting and feeling let down.

4. Manage your emotions. Throwing a tantrum is not a solution. Problems are challenges, not impossibilities.

5. Ask yourself, ‘what is the first step towards a solution?’ Then do it! Repeat as necessary and don’t allow change to overwhelm you.

6. Imagine telling the story of your mishap to your friends. The narrative demonstrates your resourcefulness, your sense of humour and your calmness under pressure.

7. Take time to reflect and learn from difficulties. Ask ‘knowing what I know now, what would I do differently?’

When unexpected events turn life upside down, it’s the degree to which our resiliency comes into play that makes these “make-or-break” situations an opportunity for growth. It is all a matter of perception. Although resiliency is something that is learned through experience, each of us has the capacity to reorganize our life after a disruption and to achieve new levels of strength and meaningfulness.

Check out my website: www.lotusheal.co.uk for more details.

CBT & NLP Compared & Contrasted

2011-09-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

You may have heard something about CBT and NLP but what do they involve and how can they help you? Read on for my overview to these therapeutic models and how they compare.

What is NLP?

Neuro Linguistic Programming or NLP can be defined as the art and science of excellence (consistently repeating results, unconsciously and automatically), and the study of how language and perception of external events affect our behaviour. It is based on something called modelling; the process of duplicating ‘excellent’ behaviour to create the same result, e.g. learning to drive requires you to go through certain processes in your mind and body, such as ‘mirror, signal, manoeuvre’ until it becomes automatic and habitual.

NLP was created in the 1970’s two men, Bandler and Grinder, one a linguist and the other a computer programmer. Some of the original models of communication they developed were influenced by therapists including Fritz Perls (founder of Gestalt therapy) and Virginia Satir, a family therapist.

NLP claims to provide simple, powerful methods for changing behaviour and producing results through the use of various techniques. It is used in business, education, training as well as therapeutic applications. It teaches you new patterns of excellence through modelling those who are successful in different aspects of life, such as health, career or personal well being. For example, if you wanted to learn how to run a great business, you might choose someone such as Richard Branson as your model to work from.

What is CBT?

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy also says that the person’s view of themselves and their world are central to their behaviour. The core idea is that individuals are emotionally disturbed by their thoughts about an actual event, rather than the event itself. It is used to treat a variety of conditions, ranging from anxiety and depression through to eating disorders and substance abuse. It uses thought records to challenge a person’s thoughts and behaviours, as well as exposure work in the case of phobias/fears.

CBT was developed in the 1950’s first by Ivan Pavlov, through his working with dogs and then by Albert Ellis who was one of the main pioneers through REBT. Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, a branch of CBT, shows the link between events, beliefs and feelings through the ABC model:

Example:

A – Actual Event Fail at maths test

B – Belief I’m stupid/ I’m no good at maths

C – Consequences Feel depressed, a failure

Alternative view:

A – Actual Event Fail at maths test

B – Belief If I work at it, I’ll do better next time

C – Consequences Feel motivated to achieve a goal

Aaron Beck was the next person to develop and popularise CBT in the 1960’s. CBT focuses on problems in thinking patterns and Beck recognised that ‘automatic thoughts’ about something links with how we feel about it. If you changed how you think about it, you can change your mood and/or behaviour.

Example:

Event: A friend is due to come round to dinner and arrive at 7pm. It is now 8pm and they haven’t called. How do you feel?

Automatic Thought Feeling Behaviour

She is so selfish, she didn’t Angry Have a go when she arrives

bother to phone!

It doesn’t matter, I can do

Something else while I wait Indifferent Nothing much

She might have had Anxious Ring hospitals

a car crash.

We may all react differently based on beliefs, thought patterns and past experiences, and we all have our own unique model of the world from which we work from.

What can we learn from these theories?

Have you heard the saying:

‘Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t- either way you’re right’ Henry Ford

We all have our own belief systems, many formed in childhood, which help us to make sense of the world so we can function within it and create structure in our lives. Beliefs such as ‘don’t put your hand in fire, or you’ll get burned’ are useful to us, and enable us to survive. Others aren’t so positive or useful and can drive us to behave or react in negative ways. Examples may include: ‘the world is a dangerous place’, or ‘I’m a failure’. We can hold beliefs about anything and anyone and they suggest that something is fixed and unchanging, without exception.

From NLP developed something called the ‘Meta Model’, which identifies ‘all or nothing’ or distorted, generalised thinking patterns and questions them in a similar way to CBT. It asks ‘Are things always like this, or just some of the time?’ and aims to reframe thoughts in the positive, such as ‘I find maths challenging, and I could learn to do it better if I chose to’. NLP also uses a technique whereby you imagine yourself stepping into another person’s shoes (almost like empathy) and take on their own model of the world and borrow their resources such as feelings or beliefs that you might want to adopt for yourself; or to learn a way of doing something, such as to be more confident doing presentations. You can also use this technique to go back into your own past and utilise feelings/behaviours that you have and imagine yourself stepping back into that time and bringing those into the present or future time where they can be used again.

Beliefs can be compared to an operating system in a computer such as Windows that enables us to make sense of things and function. They act as filters and determine how we perceive ‘reality’ and how we feel, think and behave in the outside world.

Our brain can only take in 7+ or – 2 pieces of information at a time. We are bombarded with hundreds of pieces of sensory information every second, so in order for us to cope in the world, we ‘edit out’ and select what we want to see or experience.

Example:

Distorted filter

Anxiety filter → See anything scary or ‘almost scary’

Depression filter → See anything negative or unhappy

If the pattern you are running is anxiety or depression for instance, you will only perceive fearful or negative things, and edit out the positives. It is a bit like when you get eight things right and 2 things wrong, you focus on the wrong things. If this thought process happens enough times, it effectively creates a neural pathway in the brain, and whenever a negative thought is triggered, it responds with the same feeling or behaviour, and sets up an automatic ‘loop’. CBT aims to break this thought and mood cycle by challenging the thoughts as soon as they arise, and replacing them with alternative, more positive ones, creating new neural pathways in the brain.

How effective are they?

NLP and CBT teach you to take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings and show you how thinking and behaviour patterns are causing symptoms, rather than the events themselves. Quite simply, they say, if you change your thoughts, you can change your world, and create new choices in how you respond.

CBT is a quick and effective therapy and helps you gain a greater understanding of the relationship between your thoughts, feelings and behaviours through breaking negative thought patterns, and forming alternative thoughts and ways of responding to situations. It is more problem focused than NLP which instead focuses on what you want to create, such as confidence, rather than looking at what you don’t want to feel, such as depressed or anxious. CBT is also very time limited and doesn’t look much at a client’s past emotional history or the root causes of their condition such as early life experiences. It is also very formulated and directed by the therapist and allows little opportunity for the exploration of feelings, unlike humanistic counselling.

Clinical trials have shown CBT can substantially reduce the symptoms of many emotional disorders. For some people it can work just as well as drug therapies at treating depression and anxiety disorders. All too often, when drug treatments finish, people relapse, and so practitioners may advise patients to continue using medication for longer. When patients are followed up for up to two years after therapy has ended, many studies have shown an advantage for CBT. This research suggests that CBT helps bring about a real change that goes beyond just feeling better while the patient stays in therapy. This has fuelled interest in CBT. The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) recommends CBT via the NHS for common mental disorders, such as depression and anxiety.

However, CBT relies on the client to be self motivated and disciplined (and NLP to a certain extent) in order to use the thought records and techniques on a consistent basis in order to create long term change. NLP also requires a good level of sensory awareness, i.e. the ability to visualise things in order to bring about changes in state.

Without the regular support of a therapist, or lack of emotional exploration, their may be the risk of a client relapsing at a later date if underlying issues aren’t addressed. In the case of any therapy, its effectiveness depends on the quality of the therapist, its delivery and how well the client is suited to the approach, and the complexity of their problems.

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, NLP Coach, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book a free 20 minute consultation, please call Alexandra on 07950 568635 or visit: www.lotusheal.co.uk

Keep Calm & Carry On

2011-08-10T04:08:00.000-07:00

We are unable to escape from the scenes of London that have been on every news channel across the world. It has impacted many of our daily lives - our journeys to and from work, sporting events being cancelled and communities in disarray. The threats of more riots across the country leave an atmosphere of tension and fear.

It is important to recognise the significance of our ability to control our own feelings and actions. Many feelings and emotions have been stirred up by the ongoing events and as the emotions increase our intelligence and our ability to respond appropriately and rationally to what is going around us diminishes. Amongst this uncertainty, there is a possibility that we may become reactive and ruled by our emotions. When we become reactive to situations, our ability to judge situations can become clouded, creating more confusion and unrest. While these events have put people in a high emotional state, I suggest you all to take a deep breath and stop for a moment before reacting or venting. Anger and aggression cannot beat anger and aggression. Only calm and rational minds will see a way beyond the experiences of the last few days.

I recommend that we focus on the solution (or what you want) rather than the problems we are currently experiencing. London has been through the blitz, IRA bombings, the 7/7 Al Qaeda attacks and the average Londoner knows how to 'Keep Calm and Carry On'. When the aggressor was external we came together with a strong resolution not to be defeated. This time there are no external factors influencing this situation so it is down to us to rally together and appeal for calm. The Government created some morale boosting posters during the Second World War. This simple and quintessentially British message is as apt today as it was during the blitz.

So take a breath, visualise the calm and not the storm, and help those around you to keep their emotions in check. Most importantly 'Keep Calm and Carry On'.

Top Tips for Making Change Work for You

2011-07-13T12:53:00.000-07:00

“If you don't create change, change will create you”

When people ask me what I do as a job, I often describe myself as being ‘a catalyst for change’ or a ‘change facilitator’. Change is constant and yet as human beings, we find adapting to it really difficult. We are happy to upgrade to the latest iphone or Wii every five minutes though when it comes to dealing with unexpected situations such as redundancy or a relationship breakdown, we often struggle to cope. There is the feeling of being out of control or losing the agency in our lives that we once had.

Susan, a client of mine came to see me following several changes in her life; she had just finalised her divorce, had moved up to the Midlands to pursue a new job though felt overwhelmed with the thought of creating a new life on her own. Immobilised with anxiety and panic attacks all the time, she literally had to force herself to leave the house in the morning.

Change of choice

We may try and buffer ourselves from change by getting health insurance or savings, though ultimately, some situations remain out of our control. As I began writing about ways of handling change, I considered how responses to change can reflect the experience of losing a loved one. Last week, Bombardier made 1400 redundant, following Egg's redundancies in Derby a few days before. I can only imagine the differing reactions of the staff- in particular, the sense of shock, fear, loss, and anger, as well as uncertainty about finding a way forward.

Working with Susan, I could see she was still in shock over her divorce and filled with regrets about things she had done. She came to understand that the anxiety she felt was a symptom of her feeling out of control of the situation, and her mind’s way of keeping her safe from experiencing more hurt and upset. I explained that this was simply an adaptive response to what was happening and that we needed to work on creating more options for her to enable her to create change.

Let go of shoulds

The other word I hear a lot of working with clients is ‘should’- it ‘should be this way’, ‘I should be doing this’ and my response to this is ‘who says?’. We all want life and the world to be a certain way and so often we fight reality and ‘what is’ by getting angry or depressed as we can’t control it. In Susan’s case, she felt she ‘should be over the divorce by now’ and felt frustrated with herself for not feeling differently. Until she did learn to accept herself for her decisions and that the situation had now changed, she remained stuck in anxiety and overwhelm.

Acceptance is a strategy

What I described above about ‘fighting reality’ is what I would describe as a reaction to circumstances- rather than taking a step back and reflecting on what we can change in the situation, we get upset and close down on any options. Responding to a situation enables us to get some perspective on what is going on when we are probably too immersed in the thick of it at the time. When we detach from it for a while and see it through different eyes, we start seeing solutions rather than problems. We also experience a greater sense of empowerment and acceptance of what is happening as we begin to refocus on the next steps forward.

Top Tips for making change work for you:

1.    Get leverage! Ask yourself, ‘what’s the worst possible outcome in this situation’? and ‘Can I cope with that?’ Often the worst rarely happens though if we face it, we are more likely to be able to deal with it, if and when it does occur. Doing a SWOT analysis of your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats in the situation you are in is also useful to help you step back and reflect on what you might be missing. By understanding as much as you can about the new situation, you have a better chance of finding a place to fit in or adapt to it.

2.    Get anchored- Focus on which areas in your life are constant and stable right now. Feeling that sense of security in some aspects of your life can be a good anchor point to build on. If you are in the place where change has left you feeling completely up ended in your life, go back to a time when you did feel that sense of safety, notice what kind of mindset you had then and step into that moment and experience all the good feelings you had then. Keep going back to that time and anchor it by putting your thumb and forefinger together on your right hand. Use this every day to reinforce the good feelings and change your state.

3.    Step into Possibility thinking- When we are in the midst of change and feel a loss of control, we can close doors on new possibilities. I call this Limited thinking (as in it keeps you stuck where you are), whereas Possibility thinking is about opening doors; asking yourself the right questions, such as: ‘what new opportunities can this situation bring me?’ or ‘I wonder who I might meet today to help me move forward?’ can enable you to refocus on the positives.

4.    Implement- Rather than resisting change, go with it. If you are being forced to go in a certain direction then learn to adapt- make a plan of action for the short and medium term as to how you can implement your own changes in the situation and gain more autonomy in your life. Remember to also include supporters like friends and colleagues who can help encourage you with implementing your plans, and go back to the SWOT analysis for inspiration.

5.    Accept- One of my favourite sayings is: ‘what we resist persists, what we accept can heal’. As I already said, with change, there can be the experience of loss and a grief process of which acceptance is the final stage. It is also the most difficult stage though when you do get there, it is when you are really able to utilise the change in your life for the better to expand your own self growth, as Susan did.

It also begs the question- do some people cope better with change than others and what makes them more resilient? I will be talking about this in my next blog instalment.

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk

Avoidance is not a Strategy

2011-05-31T13:51:00.000-07:00

“How soon 'not now' becomes 'never'.” Martin Luther

We all have our own habits of avoidance- from cleaning the house when we really need to prepare for that meeting, to oversleeping to avoid going to the gym. Even when we know we have to face doing that particular thing, we often end up sabotaging ourselves once again and then inevitably feel guilty or frustrated. You might ask yourself ‘why’ you keep doing it and feel powerless to change.

There is an element of self delusion in the process; procrastinators tell lies to themselves. Such as, "I'll feel more like doing this tomorrow." Or "I work best under pressure." The reality being that they do not get the urge the next day or work best under pressure. In addition, they protect their sense of self by saying "this isn't important." Another big lie procrastinators indulge is that time pressure makes them more creative. Unfortunately they do not turn out to be more creative; they only feel that way and they squander their resources.

Tom came to see me wanting help to overcome his procrastination issue. He summarised it as ‘putting his head in the sand’ to the point where he sabotaged everything; his boss was becoming increasingly frustrated with him under performing at work due to his seeming lack of motivation. His wife was virtually set to leave him unless he sorted himself out as he avoided doing anything at home, even spending time with her (as he spent his evenings catching up on work). Although Tom is an extreme example of how stuck you can become in procrastination patterns, it is easy to get to this point unless you address the underlying cause. In Tom’s case, his chronic low self esteem and fear of failure prevented him from even trying to do things in the first place.

There are various causes of procrastination-the main ones are outlined below:

Perfectionism: Many people who procrastinate have a fear of not doing something "perfectly". They constantly feel the need to wait for the perfect time and the perfect circumstances to take action. Sadly, that never happens, so they keep holding back, waiting endlessly.

Fear of failure: People who procrastinate because of a fear of failure feel safer dreaming about the great things they'll do someday, but they avoid doing them now because they might fail. They want to wait until they feel stronger and more capable before they take action, but they don't stop to think that strength and capability are developed by DOING, not thinking or dreaming.

Fear of success: As strange as it may seem, procrastination may also be caused by a fear of success. Even though a person may think he or she WANTS to be successful, they worry about the potential burden(s) of success, the obligations, increased responsibility, increased attention from others, and more. It feels safer to stay behind the scenes, dreaming of success but never daring to achieve it.

Fear of the unknown: The unknown consequences of taking action can often cause a person to hold back, because as dissatisfied with their life as they may be, at least it's familiar. These people often have the "one wrong move" syndrome, and they avoid taking action because they fear it might be the wrong action, which would cause more problems for them.

Low self-worth: A person who doesn't believe they deserve happiness and success will usually avoid taking action to create it in their lives. They'll remain locked in unpleasant circumstances, even though they desperately wish they could get out of them.

Low self-confidence: Sometimes procrastination is caused by a simple lack of confidence. A person may desire to change, and believe they deserve a better life, but they hold back because they doubt their ability to make lasting changes. Rather than try, they simply accept the "fact" that they can't do anything about it.

Procrastinators actively look for distractions, particularly ones that don't take a lot of commitment on their part. Checking e-mail or Facebook is almost perfect for this purpose. They distract themselves as a way of regulating their emotions such as anxiety around failure. In Tom’s case, it got to the point where his fear kept him locked in a habituated state of avoidance- even though he wanted to change he couldn’t because the fear would be too overwhelming. Until he learned to pass through the ‘pain barrier’ of fear, he was able to move forward and gradually resolve his anxiety.

As with Tom, once you understand why you're procrastinating, it's important to develop a plan to help you move forward. A successful plan will involve:

1. Addressing and altering your limiting beliefs: This will take consistent effort on your part, and a willingness to challenge your beliefs. For example, if you believe you don't deserve a better life, you'll need to change that belief and convince yourself that you are worthy of having the things you want. Trying something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help you address this.

2. Taking action: It's ironic that the "cure" for procrastination is the very thing that causes the fear that creates it! If you weren't afraid of taking action (for any reason), you wouldn't procrastinate. In order to overcome procrastination, you need to be willing to take action in spite of the fear. You need to build up your courage and ignore those fear-ridden thoughts that try to stop you. Start by prioritising what you need to do and break down each task into manageable stages to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

3. Start small: The great thing about taking action is that it builds your confidence bigger and stronger every time you do it. Even tiny actions have the power to change everything. Most notably, you suddenly realize that there is nothing to fear. Once you push through that initial terror, you realize that you're still okay. This gives you the courage to take another step forward, and another.

4. There is No Failure only feedback. It's important to be firm, yet gentle with yourself through this process. It's good to push yourself a little bit, though not to the point that you backslide and give up completely. Listen to yourself and begin to distinguish between your inner guidance and fearful thoughts. The more you work at it, the clearer and easier it becomes though it is important to review your progress on a weekly or fortnightly basis and if it isn’t working, try something else.

Procrastination is a destructive behaviour that that can take on a life of its own if left unaddressed. The good news is that changing these patterns is possible when you choose to take control and overcome your fearful thoughts as Tom did.

As Arnold Bennet said, “We shall never have more time. We have, and always had, all the time there is. No object is served in waiting until next week or even until tomorrow. Keep going... Concentrate on something useful.”

Feeling Mind-full?

2011-04-23T04:28:00.000-07:00

“ Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”. John Lennon

I saw this phrase written on someone’s T-shirt the other day after returning from Birmingham on the train. I had to chuckle to myself as at the time, I was eating a sandwich, listening to my ipod whilst making a list of all the things I had to do for work over the coming week. Like many people, I felt I was being super efficient by cramming as much into that spare half hour as I could, otherwise I’d be ‘wasting time’! Seeing that man’s T-shirt made me stop in my tracks and question myself; ‘what was actually going on for me in this moment?’ I noticed myself feeling really tense and tight in my head and my mind felt like it was racing ahead like a steam train. Sound familiar? Well it may be a result of feeling mind-full.

The opposite of being Mind-full- a phrase I coined to describe the state of cramming as much as we can into our lives, without being present is ‘Mindfulness’. Being mindful isn’t about trying to get somewhere or achieving something, it is about just being conscious of where we are, wherever that is, and creating a space for experiencing the present moment. James Baraz puts it like this:

"Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).”

In that situation on the train, It was only when I stopped, checked in with my body and took a few moments to actually feel that I realised how much stress I was holding onto. I was also aware of how many stressed thoughts I was having like “I’ve got to go and do this” and “what if I don’t get time next week to meet her”, which again created more tension and anxiety- all over things that haven’t happened yet! When I moved my awareness from my body to what was happening around me I also noticed that the sun was shining and the trees outside the window were full of cherry blossom. Did noticing these things change my situation? Not at all, though it certainly brought me back to the awareness of it, without the need to project myself into the past or future and create more thoughts, and subsequently enjoyed my experience of it more.

An analogy that Buddhist monk and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh uses is of feelings and thoughts being like “clouds in a windy sky”, just coming and going with the flow of our mind. It is when we try and hook into these thoughts and allow our mind to create stress in our body-mind that we experience suffering or anxiety. He suggests using the breath as our ‘anchor’ to the present though we can also use our experience of the moment. For instance, the view of the train outside, the smell of the coffee I was drinking or even the sound of the man snoring next to me! The question you might be asking when you read this though is “what if I want to escape the present when it is uncomfortable or unpleasant- surely that’s when I need to focus on the future!?”

The thing with Mindfulness is that it isn’t about making the present better or trying to get somewhere nicer in our experience- it is simply about being in this moment only, whether our minds judge it as being good or bad, it is just this moment. Getting back into the practice of Mindfulness (rather than feeling Mind-full!) this week has certainly helped enrich my experience of life just within the last week. Although I feel myself moving slower than I was before, I am actually more efficient, less stressed and noticeably calmer in even the most potentially stressful situations- even feeling serene in that traffic jam on the M1! The beauty of Mindfulness is that is so simple and can be done wherever you are- here’s some tips on getting started.

Beginning to Be Mindful

1. Do one thing at a time. Single-task, don’t multi-task. When you’re pouring water, just pour water. When you’re eating, just eat. When you’re bathing, just bathe. Don’t try to knock off a few tasks while eating or bathing or driving. Zen proverb: “When walking, walk. When eating, eat.”

2. Do less. If you do less, you can do those things more slowly, more completely and with more concentration. If you fill your day with tasks, you will be rushing from one thing to the next without stopping to think about what you do. Even if you’re busy, it’s a matter of working out what’s a priority, and letting go of what’s not.

3. Do it slowly and deliberately. You can do one task at a time, but also rush that task. Instead, take your time, and move slowly. Make your actions deliberate, not rushed and random. It takes practice, but it helps you focus on the task.

4. Create spaces. Related to the “Do less” rule, but it’s a way of managing your schedule so that you always have time to complete each task. Don’t schedule things close together — instead, leave room between things on your schedule. That gives you a more relaxed schedule, and leaves space in case one task takes longer than you planned.

5. Spend at least 5 minutes each day just being mindful. Just sit in silence. Become aware of your thoughts. Focus on your breathing. Notice the world around you. Become comfortable with the silence and stillness. If thoughts start coming up just say to yourself “this is just a thought” and gently change your focus and let it go.

6. Stop worrying about the future – focus on the present. Become more aware of your thinking — are you constantly worrying about the future? Learn to recognize when you’re doing this, and then practice bringing yourself back to the present. Just focus on what you’re doing, right now. Enjoy the present moment.

7. When you’re talking to someone, be present. How many of us have spent time with someone but have been thinking about what we need to do in the future? Or thinking about what we want to say next, instead of really listening to that person? Instead, focus on being present, on really listening, on really enjoying your time with that person.

8. Eat slowly and savour your food. Food can be crammed down our throats in a rush, but where’s the joy in that? Relish each bite, slowly, and really get the most out of your food. Most of us watch TV, read or make shopping lists (or all three!) whilst we eat. Experiment with just eating and see what happens.

9. Make cleaning and cooking become meditation. Cooking and cleaning are often seen as drudgery, but actually they are both great ways to practice mindfulness, and can be great rituals performed each day. If cooking and cleaning seem like boring chores to you, try doing them as a form of meditation. Put your entire mind into those tasks, concentrate, and do them slowly and completely. It could change your entire day (as well as leave you with a cleaner house).

10. Keep practicing. When you get frustrated, just take a deep breath. When you ask yourself, “What should I do now?”, the answer is “keep practicing”. Remember there is no right or wrong way, there is just being where you are in that moment.

Clearing the Clutter

2011-04-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

“Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein

Spring is the traditional time for cleaning and clearing out the old, allowing space for the new. It is almost as if the world emerges like a butterfly from its chrysalis, and everything feels renewed and energised again. This pattern of birth and death in nature is often reflected in our own lives in a continuous cycle. If we don’t flow with this cycle and let go of the old, it creates clutter or stasis which is when we start feeling energetically stuck or blocked, and dis-ease results.

Clearing clutter from our lives can be extremely therapeutic, and although sometimes difficult if we have a tendency to hoard, it can be uplifting and energising. Clutter clearance doesn’t need to apply just to our wardrobes and shelves- it applies equally to how we spend our time, how we think, eat and work. As writer Dr Lawrence J. Peter once said: “If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?”

Firstly, identify the source of your clutter. Is it made up of books and paperwork? Outdated old clothes, or new ones you’ve never worn? Anxious or worrisome thoughts? Maybe you’ve cluttered your life with acquaintances and people who really don’t need to be in it anymore; maybe your mind is cluttered with fears and obsessions that you can’t let go of; or your body is cluttered with extra pounds, aches or pains?

Many people who really want to clear up are full of motivation and raring to go- what a relief when it’s free from piles of papers, books and ‘stuff’! No more will I lose my car keys or have to eat on a tray on the sofa as my table is full of junk. Motivated people see themselves living in an uncluttered environment, surrounded by order and feeling healthy and happy. Goodbye depression and lethargy; hello joy and tranquil living.

But is this realistic in practice? Sometimes, yes, if you are good at it and ruthless with your possessions or determined to change your mindset and be focussed enough. Allowing yourself get bogged down or stuck in old patterns and the fear of letting go is the main hurdle when wanting to create space in your life. Doubts such as: Will I really be able to cope with out this object or person in my life? What if I regret this decision later on? Getting out of your comfort zone is the hardest thing to do sometimes though you need to ask yourself, what can I gain from taking a risk? Often, when we take that leap, we feel a renewed sense of vitality and self esteem.

Claire, a client of mine discovered this when she decided to let go of her relationship with her long term partner of ten years. Over the years, her self esteem and confidence was gradually eroded away by her boyfriend with his constant jibes and criticisms about everything from her accent to the way she looked. She came to see me as she felt on the edge of a breakdown and was tormented by self doubt and guilt, with the belief that she must have been a ‘terrible person’ for him to treat her this way. She wanted to leave this relationship as she knew it was the main root of these feelings, though felt too scared to be on her own. Gradually, through having counselling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, she began to discover her inner strength again to the point where she was able to overcome her limiting thinking and transform her fear into courage, taking the action to get out of the relationship and over time, rebuild her self esteem.

Action Points for starting to de-clutter your life:

Write down a list of your clutter under the headings of work, home, relationships, emotions, thoughts and your health or body.
What purpose does holding on to this “clutter” serve in your life?
How would you feel if you didn’t have it any more?
What’s the “upside” of holding onto all your ‘stuff’?
What would be frightening if you let go of some of it?
What positive emotion does your clutter represent for you (love, security, comfort, warmth, wealth)?
What is the “downside” of letting go of some or all of it?
Prioritise the issues and choose 3 to work on this month.
Ask yourself, what’s the first steps towards changing these things? Make an action plan now on paper for each of them. Commit yourself to taking at least one action a day.
At the end of each week, review your progress and make another list for the following week, and so on. This way, you will begin to chip away at the list and make progress gradually with de-cluttering your life.

Remember with de-cluttering, it is important not to overwhelm yourself-making yourself feeling even more stuck is not the purpose of this exercise! Some things are simpler than others to let go of though for most of us, we are prone to putting off when we feel as if it will be ‘difficult’ or ‘time consuming’. The solution to this is to break it down into chunks and just do a little each day or each week and make clearing your life a life-long habit that you integrate into your everyday routine. My first port of call will be my office desk- happy de-cluttering!

Crisis into opportunity

2011-03-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

“A crisis is an opportunity riding a dangerous wind” Chinese proverb

Having heard the phrase ‘Crisis and opportunity’ most of us wouldn’t feel that is really the case in the climate with live in- what with financial and economic uncertainty, natural disasters happening around the globe- where is the opportunity in that!? It has been said that the Chinese term for crisis is the same as the word for opportunity. There is also debate as to whether this is really true, though looking at it in our own lives- is there really two sides to the coin?

It really is a matter of perspective and how we view crisis and opportunity as they are always running parallel and one can always lead to the other. We may win the lottery one day and then lose it the next and vice versa. The only thing in life we can be certain of (as I am fond of saying!) is that ‘change is the only constant in life’ and that nothing stays the same.

It came into conversation with a client last week about the issue of Crisis having a flip side to it. To help reframe her situation, I asked her: “looking at your life now, do you see there being any opportunities in what happened to you?” She looked surprised at first (with a ‘hell no’ look on her face), reflected on it and said “yes actually, it has given me the space to stand back from my life and get off this treadmill I have been on for the last 20 years”. She needed to step off it first though to realise this and being made redundant was the turning point for her. Crisis comes in many forms and guises though- from bereavement to illness to loss of a relationship. So what makes it a crisis or an opportunity?

Basically, as human beings we are either motivated by love or fear. To treat events as a ‘crisis’ we are working on the premise that we should be working away from what we really don’t want- uncertainty, poverty, death, disease etc. If we work from the basis of love and trust, we will view life in a very different way- we will be working towards making money, having great relationships and so forth, and ultimately having acceptance of what is happening right now, with the understanding that we can’t always know what is around the corner!

Here are some suggestions for turning an apparent crisis into an opportunity:

1. Get some perspective

Hindsight is a great thing, and in the midst of a crisis, it can feel as if there will never be an end to it. It’s always worth getting a new perspective on it as apparent crises can often give you the wakeup call you need to create major change and get you out of your comfort zone.

Reflecting on your own life, list every ‘crisis’ that you’ve had say over the last 5-10 years and ask yourself- “what learning or ‘opportunity’ came out of that?” If it is easier, pretend you are viewing it as someone else’s life and see what they might say about it and the events following the ‘crisis’. Did it make you get out of that relationship that wasn’t working or start a new career perhaps?

Do the same with the ‘opportunities’ and see how they compare- which gave you more learning’s? How can you apply this understanding to what is going on in your life now?

2. Take advantage of uncertainty

Going back to the two drivers for human behaviour- fear or love, think about what you can do differently to exploit the current climate of pessimism in both your personal and professional life.
For example, is this the time to start growing your own veg on an allotment to save money or even create your own co operative? How about looking at investing in the stock market and taking some calculated risks? Remember, staying in crisis is about staying in your comfort zone and what is familiar; whereas opportunity is about having the courage to stretch yourself and your possibilities!

3. Create your own opportunities

In a current crisis situation, it is easy to get stuck and become bogged down with what is going wrong. As a reframe, realise (from exercise 1) what positives have come out of past situations and then ask yourself some different questions. Ask: “what is one thing I can do in this moment/ hour/ day/ week to change this situation and move me forward?” Questions are powerful and can help or hinder you and asking the right ones can empower you to make the right choices, rather than stay stuck where you are.

Once you’ve done that, make a brainstorm of everything you can do after you’ve dealt with the crisis. For example, for my client with the redundancy, I asked her to brainstorm a list of every kind of thing she wanted to try- both personal and professional to aim to broaden her perspective on things.

Sometimes, we can become very narrow and rigid in our thinking and we need to look at our situation with new eyes. For her, this in itself was a revelation as she ended up retraining as an Interior designer and setting up her own consultancy. A lesson for us all to take that leap of faith! As Susan Taylor said: “Seeds of faith are always within us; sometimes it takes a crisis to nourish and encourage their growth”

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk

Have you got the Time please?

2011-01-24T08:35:00.000-08:00

Most people would agree that the single most precious commodity is time- apart from money that is, though as John Rohn says: “Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.”

Whilst we have all the latest gadgets and mod cons that we would want to try and make our lives easier, time seems to be even more limited. We all try and cram more into our hours, minutes and seconds, despite the fact that the average life expectancy is longer than it has ever been. We end up feeling like the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, feeling as if we are chasing time rather than believing we have the choice how we spend it. How many people say “I haven’t got the time” whilst they are busy trying to get to the next place or achieve the next thing?

Time rich or time poor?

True time wealth isn’t all about how much time you’ve got- it’s about having the right kind of time. If we did actually log our time and looked at how much we were spending on pursuing our careers, looking after our family, seeing our friends, spending time on ourselves, we would get a more accurate picture of where we needed to be spending more time. I use the analogy with some of my clients of each of us having an energy or time bank account and needing to make sure we invest into all the life areas. Sometimes we are so focused on keeping all the balls in the air, we miss the bigger picture!

A good example of this was a client of mine, Sam who came to see me as she was suffering from stress and anxiety and on the verge of burning out. Using a balance wheel, we were able to establish the amount of time she was spending (and enjoying) in each area of her life. It was made clear to her that her personal life had suffered a great deal from her new promotion at work and that she rarely spent any time with her friends or on herself. She also admitted feeling quite guilty at the thought of spending time just on herself and that any spare time ‘should ‘ be spent on others; she was a mother and wife and it was her ‘duty’. Sound familiar?

Stop ‘Shoulding’ over yourself

A lot of us get caught up in the ‘should’ trap; feeling ‘I should be doing this’ and ‘I should be doing that’, rather than asking ourselves ‘what do I really want to do?’. Okay, we may need to go to work and take the kids to school etc. though what would I like to do with the time that’s left?

Just for starters, just take a few moments to make a pie chart or balance wheel of your life and the different areas, including time for yourself and fun. Divide the chart depending on how much time you spend in each area then rate it out of 10 how much you feel happy and content (10 being really satisfied, 0 being zero contentment). Then just choose two areas you need to improve on based on the time and contentment factors. For example, Sam chose to focus on investing more in her friendships and hobbies.

Following this, make a list of things that come to mind relating to each of these areas; whether it’s going to the gym regularly, going to see a friend or having a hot bath- write it down. Then look at the list again and commit yourself to doing one of those things today and then do the same tomorrow and the next day. Just experiment with how that feels- be aware of the ‘shoulds’ and guilt creeping in and then challenge those thoughts: ‘Why shouldn’t I do that and make myself happy?’. Keep affirming to yourself as you do it that you deserve to do this for yourself to increase your sense of wellbeing.

Also see it as investing more into your energy and time account for you before you go into serious overdraft like Sam. Time is precious so make a choice how you spend it- just remember to make the right investments!

Goal Setting

2011-01-02T03:14:00.000-08:00

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” Albert Einstein

Goal setting is a powerful process for thinking about your ideal future, and for motivating yourself to turn this vision of the future into reality.

The process of setting goals helps you choose where you want to go in life. By knowing precisely what you want to achieve, you know where you have to concentrate your efforts. You'll also quickly spot the distractions that would otherwise lure you from your course.

More than this, properly-set goals can be incredibly motivating, and as you get into the habit of setting and achieving goals, you'll find that your self-confidence builds fast.

Goal setting techniques are used by top-level athletes, successful business-people and achievers in all fields. They give you long-term vision and short-term motivation. They focus your acquisition of knowledge and help you to organize your time and your resources so that you can make the very most of your life.

By setting sharp, clearly defined goals, you can measure and take pride in the achievement of those goals. You can see forward progress in what might previously have seemed a long pointless grind. By setting goals, you will also raise your self-confidence, as you recognize your ability and competence in achieving the goals that you have set.

Goal Setting Tips

The following broad guidelines will help you to set effective goals:

State each goal as a positive statement: Express your goals positively – 'Execute this technique well' is a much better goal than 'Don't make this stupid mistake.'

Be precise: Set a precise goal, putting in dates, times and amounts so that you can measure achievement. If you do this, you will know exactly when you have achieved the goal, and can take complete satisfaction from having achieved it.

Set priorities: When you have several goals, give each a priority. This helps you to avoid feeling overwhelmed by too many goals, and helps to direct your attention to the most important ones.

Write goals down: This crystallizes them and gives them more force. Make sure you put them somewhere you can see them, such as behind the bedroom door and read them everyday.

Keep operational goals small: Keep the low-level goals you are working towards small and achievable. If a goal is too large, then it can seem that you are not making progress towards it. Keeping goals small and incremental gives more opportunities for reward. Derive today's goals from larger ones.

Make it challenging though within your control: You should take care to set goals over which you have as much control as possible. There is nothing more dispiriting than failing to achieve a personal goal for reasons beyond your control. If the goal stretches you and gets you out of your comfort zone then it will be worth achieving.

Set realistic goals: It is important to set goals that you can achieve and that you really want. All sorts of people (employers, parents, media, society) can set unrealistic goals for you. They will often do this in ignorance of your own desires and ambitions. Alternatively you may set goals that are too high, because you may not appreciate either the obstacles in the way or understand quite how much skill you need to develop to achieve a particular level of performance.

Achieving Goals

When you have achieved a goal, take the time to enjoy the satisfaction of having done so. Absorb the implications of the goal achievement, and observe the progress you have made towards other goals. If the goal was a significant one, reward yourself appropriately. All of this helps you build the self-confidence you deserve!

With the experience of having achieved this goal, review the rest of your goal plans:

If you achieved the goal too easily, make your next goals harder.
If the goal took too long to achieve, make the next goals a little easier.
If you learned something that would lead you to change other goals, do so.
If you noticed a deficit in your skills despite achieving the goal, decide whether to set goals to fix this.
If you feel that you are struggling to overcome your blocks to achieving your goals, it may be worth consulting a Counsellor or Coach. They can help you to get some perspective on what is preventing you from moving forward in life and help you to facilitate positive change.

Keep Your Cool this Yule

2010-12-12T09:35:00.000-08:00

Christmas is the most stressful time of year for most people and is the cause of many arguments for a lot of families. According to the statistics, more than half of Brits have disagreements at Christmas; a quarter saying it creates added strain on their relationship and an eighth of those saying a festive argument made them want to split up.

Tempers are more likely to get flared at Christmas as a result of too much alcohol, spending too much time with relatives than normal and disagreements over the who gets the TV remote and washing up! With many families being fragmented or extended, it also can create extra strain on relationships at Christmas when there are expectations to make it a happy time of year for all concerned.

To Prepare for Christmas

It is important therefore to make sure that you let go of the idea that Christmas has to be ‘perfect’ and avoid taking responsibility for everything. Remember, it is only one day in the year and seeing the bigger picture will help you to enjoy the day as much as possible.

Think about the person(s) who tend to make you feel angry and remember that whatever they do or say will be over in a few days and getting angry or stressed maybe isn’t worth the long term effects. Make a list of their good points and try to focus on those instead when you start feeling heated.

Look at what needs to be done in advance such as shopping, cooking and entertaining and work out what can be delegated and what can be done in advance. Don’t take responsibility for everything otherwise you’ll only feel resentful; even the children can help by putting decorations up or wrapping presents and will enjoy getting involved. Aim to have a plan two or 3 weeks before so you make provisions for emergencies, agreeing beforehand who does what on the day.

Also agree in advance with relatives some ground rules and arrangements so things run as smoothly as possible. If there’s something that annoys you every year like Aunty May feeding her dog at the dinner table then make sure you set boundaries beforehand in a gentle way so that you feel more in control of what happens. If there is something that annoys you that they refuse to stop doing then also prepare yourself for how to deal with that on the day and ask yourself ‘Is this worth me getting angry for?’

On the day

Avoid drinking too much alcohol as this lowers your inhibitions and can alter your mood. Drinking water or soft drinks in between can help to slow down the effects, as can eating slow burning carbohydrates like wholemeal bread. Set yourself a limit on how much you are going to drink on the day so you don’t regret drinking too much later on.

If you feel yourself getting angry, take yourself out of the situation and cool down for a while. If you can go out of the room or fgo or a walk, it will give you time to calm down and gain perspective on the situation and feel more in control. Using deep breathing exercises can also help to lower the stress response and enable you to remain calm. Try breathing in slowly for a count of four then out for a count of four for 5-15 minutes.

Listen to what the other person is saying, even if you don’t agree with it. Be aware of your tone of voice and body language as we often forget about how we come across to the other person when we feel angry. Rather than shouting, discuss how you feel and rather than blaming and telling the person: “you make me x”, use words like “I feel”, “I think” to help you to put your point across.

Think about the consequences of starting an argument; remember it is inevitable you have your mother in law saying something you don’t like or something will go wrong so learn to accept those things and let them go. Focus on the positives instead like your children’s smiling faces or all the lovely food and learn to let the little things go. As Ralph Waldo Emerson says, "For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness".

If anger or relationship issues are more of a long term issue, it can be worth seeking professional help. Consulting a counsellor or therapist can help you to gain perspective on a situation and see it more objectively so you can overcome your obstacles and seek a new way forward.