Coping with Endings- a Reflection

Coming into the New year we tend to focus on new beginnings and goals- wanting to lose weight, getting that job promotion.  Often we struggle however, to come to terms with unresolved endings from the previous year(s).   Instead of allowing ourselves the space to process our emotions, we often put our psychological baggage to one side and carry on regardless.  I often describe this denial state as a bit like adding logs to a fast flowing stream- eventually it creates a large dam and our ability to feel balanced and ‘flow’ with life gets inhibited.  Allow this to happen for long enough and you’ve got a very strong pressure to contend with!

We can all be guilty of just breezing though painful experiences like divorce or redundancy and not really acknowledging the impact on us at the time.  Or, on the other hand, we may allow ourselves to drown in the pain of loss and not be able to move forward or let go. 

Letting go isn’t easy.  I myself am currently processing a a lot of changes, mostly positive though equally unsettling- moving house (twice), starting another business and am about to welcome the arrival of my first child.  Initially, this sparked off a lot of fear as I’ve had to surrender to the fact that my life will never be the same, and nor will I.  As Anais Nin said: ‘Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.  Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.  This is a kind of death.’  Embracing endings is like stepping out of the chrysalis and into the light so we can stretch ourselves and live a deeper, more fulfilling life. This can be terrifying.

The temptation to resist out of fear can be strong though, as can the sense of wanting justice or consolation for our loss or pain.  What this only achieves is more pain and frustration for ourselves, which only disempowers us further.  Because change often happens organically, we are inevitably forced to take action at some point- write that letter, sign those divorce papers. Once we have taken ownership and control of the ending (as much as possible), we then allow space for new energy and create ground for those beginnings to flourish.   

This year, I encourage you to join me in my goal to ‘let go and live’ more fully in the present, not allowing the past to pull you backwards.  More simply, allow a bit of space to just be with your thoughts and feelings each day and practice surrendering to them, rather than judging or denying your experiences.  See how differently you feel doing this for a few weeks.  For inspiration on being more present, try reading Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Thich Nhat Hanh.

World Mental Health Day- Depression: A Global Crisis

“Even for me life had its gleams of sunshine.” - Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre.

On the 10^th of October 2012, we are celebrating the 20th Anniversary of World Mental Health Day!

World Mental Health Day aims to increase the awareness of the public about mental health issues. The day readily opens discussions of various mental disorders; many people don't know what they are or how to get the support they need – World Mental Health Day hopes to change that.

This year's theme is depression. Depression is a serious mental illness affecting over 350 million people world wide, of all cultures and ages. The World Mental Health Survey conducted in 17 different countries discovered that (on average) a shocking 1 in 20 people reported having an episode of depression in the previous year. A study conducted by the European Depression Association (EDA) of 7000 people found that 1 in 10 of them had taken time off work because they were depressed. 1 in 4 confessed they did not tell their employer.

It seems that not only does the general public not realise the seriousness and frequency of depression, they also do not realise what can be done to help and maybe even view it as something to hide or be ashamed of.

This is not the case; Depression is a very serious condition which is often gets out of your control. It is not your fault you feel this way, and you mustn't blame yourself. Depression consists of symptoms such as persistant sadness and low mood, a possible change in diet, trouble sleeping, fatigue, agitation, feelings of worthlessness and poor concentration. It can make life very difficult.

So what can help? 

Cognitive behavioural therapy has proven it's benefits time and time again, as it offers treatment which teaches lasting life skills which can be applied and used in every day life. It looks at how you can change any negative thoughts or patterns that you have in your life, and often helps you to learn how to deal with emotional problems effectively. It can teach you to step out of your automatic thoughts.

Mindfulness is often taught as therapy for depression. It involves learning how to live in the moment and focus on the beautiful tiny features of every single day – be it the smell of that coffee or the sight of the morning sky. By paying attention to the little wonders around you, and not just noticing them but really appreciating them, it can help to ease depression because we realise all the good, special things we have in the world and how lucky we really are. It can be a transformative experience.

World Mental Health Day hopes that by rasing awareness of depression and ways to deal with it, we can collectively improve the general wellbeing and quality of life for people worldwide. For more information, visit the Mental Health Foundation website.

Keep Calm and Carry On with Bach

Trying to pursue a busy work schedule whilst maintain a family and social life can leave you feeling overwhelmed and caught a vicious cycle of stress and worry.  With technology moving ever faster, we are struggling to adapt and instead of our lives being made easier, we are more under pressure to keep up.  Worry isn’t always a bad thing according to research though- in fact, a healthy amount is protective health wise and can help us to succeed in life, whereas excessive amounts can be potentially hazardous.*

Bach Practitioner, Alexandra Bacon comments; “If you find keeping up with your busy life and friends is taking its toll on your emotional wellbeing then make sure you take time out to relax and re-charge. The Bach Original Flower Remedies can help you to maintain feeling well balanced and positive, even in today’s hectic, busy world. There are different remedies to suit your changing moods, which you can adapt for different periods of your life. ”

If you are feeling exhausted as a result of having to keep going and feel unable to stop then Bach^TM Original Flower Remedy Oak may help. This remedy helps restore physical and mental reserves and promotes self care so you can back on track with your life with more vitality. For those of us who find ourselves feeling that sense of overwhelm and despondency as a result of overwork then Bach^TM Original Flower Remedy Elm may also be beneficial.

Creating calm is also about changing your mindset.  Most of us are too busy thinking about our ‘to do’ list, without even being aware of what’s happening in the ‘here and now’.  Bach^TM Original Flower Remedy White Chestnut is excellent for helping to calm the mind when you feel unable to switch off that mental chatter so you can focus more easily.  Trying a relaxation technique like Meditation which is proven to reduce stress and physical pain may also help.ₐ A simple starting point would be to focus on your breath; as you take in deep breaths, counting in for four and out for seven and doing that for ten minutes at a time when you need to let go of stress. 

Bach Original Flower Remedies cost from £6.65 and are available from Holland & Barrett, Boots and most independent pharmacy and health food stores. For more information, visit www.bachremedies.co.uk. Always read the label.

Alexandra Bacon is an award winning Stress Management and Wellbeing Consultant based in the East Midlands.  She is also a Bach Centre registered Bach Practitioner (BFRP), CBT Therapist and NLP Coach. Her website is www.lotusheal.co.uk and she can be contacted on: 07950 568635.

*http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/does-stress-help-us-succeed-2278364.html

ₐ http://www.technologyreview.com/article/38290/

Feeling Mind-full?

“ Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”. John Lennon

I saw this phrase written on someone’s T-shirt the other day after returning from Birmingham on the train. I had to chuckle to myself as at the time, I was eating a sandwich, listening to my ipod whilst making a list of all the things I had to do for work over the coming week.  Like many people, I felt I was being super efficient by cramming as much into that spare half hour as I could, otherwise I’d be ‘wasting time’!  Seeing that man’s T-shirt made me stop in my tracks and question myself; ‘what was actually going on for me in this moment?’  I noticed myself feeling really tense and tight in my head and my mind felt like it was racing ahead like a steam train.  Sound familiar? Well it may be a result of feeling mind-full.

The opposite of being Mind-full- a phrase I coined to describe the state of cramming as much as we can into our lives, without being present is ‘Mindfulness’.  Being mindful isn’t about trying to get somewhere or achieving something, it is about just being conscious of where we are, wherever that is, and creating a space for experiencing the present moment. James Baraz puts it like this:

"Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).”

In that situation on the train, It was only when I stopped, checked in with my body and took a few moments to actually feel that I realised how much stress I was holding onto. I was also aware of how many stressed thoughts I was having like “I’ve got to go and do this” and “what if I don’t get time next week to meet her”, which again created more tension and anxiety- all over things that haven’t happened yet!  When I moved my awareness from my body to what was happening around me I also noticed that the sun was shining and the trees outside the window were full of cherry blossom. Did noticing these things change my situation? Not at all, though it certainly brought me back to the awareness of it, without the need to project myself into the past or future and create more thoughts, and subsequently enjoyed my experience of it more.

An analogy that Buddhist monk and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh uses is of feelings and thoughts being like “clouds in a windy sky”, just coming and going with the flow of our mind.  It is when we try and hook into these thoughts and allow our mind to create stress in our body-mind that we experience suffering or anxiety.  He suggests using the breath as our ‘anchor’ to the present though we can also use our experience of the moment.  For instance, the view of the train outside, the smell of the coffee I was drinking or even the sound of the man snoring next to me!  The question you might be asking when you read this though is “what if I want to escape the present when it is uncomfortable or unpleasant- surely that’s when I need to focus on the future!?”

The thing with Mindfulness is that it isn’t about making the present better or trying to get somewhere nicer in our experience- it is simply about being in this moment only, whether our minds judge it as being good or bad, it is just this moment.  Getting back into the practice of Mindfulness (rather than feeling Mind-full!) this week has certainly helped enrich my experience of life just within the last week.  Although I feel myself moving slower than I was before, I am actually more efficient, less stressed and noticeably calmer in even the most potentially stressful situations- even feeling serene in that traffic jam on the M1!  The beauty of Mindfulness is that is so simple and can be done wherever you are- here’s some tips on getting started.

Beginning to Be Mindful

1. Do one thing at a time. Single-task, don’t multi-task. When you’re pouring water, just pour water. When you’re eating, just eat. When you’re bathing, just bathe. Don’t try to knock off a few tasks while eating or bathing or driving. Zen proverb: “When walking, walk. When eating, eat.”

2. Do less. If you do less, you can do those things more slowly, more completely and with more concentration. If you fill your day with tasks, you will be rushing from one thing to the next without stopping to think about what you do. Even if you’re busy, it’s a matter of working out what’s a priority, and letting go of what’s not. 

3. Do it slowly and deliberately. You can do one task at a time, but also rush that task. Instead, take your time, and move slowly. Make your actions deliberate, not rushed and random. It takes practice, but it helps you focus on the task.

4. Create spaces. Related to the “Do less” rule, but it’s a way of managing your schedule so that you always have time to complete each task. Don’t schedule things close together — instead, leave room between things on your schedule. That gives you a more relaxed schedule, and leaves space in case one task takes longer than you planned.

5. Spend at least 5 minutes each day just being mindful. Just sit in silence. Become aware of your thoughts. Focus on your breathing. Notice the world around you. Become comfortable with the silence and stillness. If thoughts start coming up just say to yourself “this is just a thought” and gently change your focus and let it go.

6. Stop worrying about the future – focus on the present. Become more aware of your thinking — are you constantly worrying about the future? Learn to recognize when you’re doing this, and then practice bringing yourself back to the present. Just focus on what you’re doing, right now. Enjoy the present moment.

7. When you’re talking to someone, be present. How many of us have spent time with someone but have been thinking about what we need to do in the future? Or thinking about what we want to say next, instead of really listening to that person? Instead, focus on being present, on really listening, on really enjoying your time with that person.

8. Eat slowly and savour your food. Food can be crammed down our throats in a rush, but where’s the joy in that? Relish each bite, slowly, and really get the most out of your food. Most of us watch TV, read or make shopping lists (or all three!) whilst we eat.  Experiment with just eating and see what happens. 

9. Make cleaning and cooking become meditation. Cooking and cleaning are often seen as drudgery, but actually they are both great ways to practice mindfulness, and can be great rituals performed each day. If cooking and cleaning seem like boring chores to you, try doing them as a form of meditation. Put your entire mind into those tasks, concentrate, and do them slowly and completely. It could change your entire day (as well as leave you with a cleaner house).

10. Keep practicing. When you get frustrated, just take a deep breath. When you ask yourself, “What should I do now?”, the answer is “keep practicing”.  Remember there is no right or wrong way, there is just being where you are in that moment.

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk

Bridging the Satisfaction Gap

"To be or not to be...that is the question."

Ever since I came back from the Mindfulness retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh in August I have been asking myself, How, when we all have so much in our society, we continue to feel unhappy and dissatisfied with our lot in life?  Of course, most of us have an ideal life plan in mind; mine was to have an art career and be a successful designer in London and by the time I was 25...needless to say, it never happened, though looking back, it was all for the best in the end! 

Going on the retreat with Thay (teacher as he is called), he taught that there is 'no coming and no going'- nothing that needs to be achieved or strived for.  This was quite an alien concept for me, being brought up like most people believing that if I worked hard enough and persevered in life, then I could achieve my dreams and then be happy.  The philosophy of The Community of Interbeing  is based on TNH's teachings which accepts that there are enough conditions for happiness so why create more?  In fact, what we may think is essential to our wellbeing and happiness, in reality is what blocks us from achieving a deep sense of joy and peace; namely, attachments to outcomes, people, desires which create what we might call in the west 'The Satisfaction Gap'- a term now coined by psychologists who describe it as an increasing issue amongst women in particular who feel this sense of lack or unfulfilment in their lives. Sound familiar?

I admit myself feeling a sense of unhappiness and staleness in my life prior to going on the retreat, despite the fact that I was near enough living 'my dreams' and doing what I loved.  Don't get me wrong, there had been difficulties as well, though I felt I needed to end the sense of struggle and regain my balance again.  I had also seen client's with similar dilemmas of feeling unhappy with their lives and relationships and I wanted to explore a new perspective to offer them also.

Through Thay's Dharma talks (the teachings of the Buddha) I learned a lot about the tools of Mindfulness, and was forced to confront some of these difficult feelings head on, without my usual distractions at home. To begin with, my natural inclination was to fight or analyse these feelings. With nowhere to run, I just sat, breathed, and allowed any feelings and thoughts to come up and just watched them. After the first day of doing this (which was frankly like doing a boxing match, me vs my mind!) , I began to experience more peace and ease in myself. By the fourth day I felt some of what Thay described as being "..deeply in touch with the present moment,...and we begin to be filled with acceptance, joy, peace and love." By the fifth, I felt completely blissed out and felt like I had discovered the answer to life, the universe and everything, or near enough...

I also learned that emotions such as Fear and Anger are 'Mental Formations' that are like seeds in the garden of our conciousness that we water each time we choose to be in these states of mind. We have a choice which thoughts we choose to nurture and grow more of; this includes thoughts of desire or dissatisfaction about our lives, our relationships or ourselves. " If you suffer and make your loved ones suffer, there is nothing that can justify your desire."  Alternatively, we can choose to water the good seeds in our conciousness such as love and joy.  Each time we smile or practice being mindful, we are strengthening these positive states within ourselves and protecting ourselves against more negative states of mind.  Living with acceptance with what we have in our lives is something like smiling- it needs to be practiced each day in order for our joy to bloom and grow like a beautiful flower.

Since going on the retreat, I have experienced this for myself.  I wouldn't say I live with mindfulness and joy at all times though I do feel my perceptions have shifted and I now step back when I start to feel angry or fearful, rather than going straight into reacting to situations.  I also feel more peaceful and content with my life, having gained a deeper understanding of myself and others. The greatest lesson I have learned however, is quite simply that to accept life and what happens, is to be free.
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