How Lying & Keeping Secrets Affects our Health

“The most common lie is that which one lies to himself; lying to others is relatively an exception” – Friedrich Nietzsche.

There are many reasons why a person might start to tell lies. It may be that they have something to gain from it, or that they are protecting someone who might be hurt by the truth- or, that they are ashamed or feel guilty about something.  They may not want to worry those around them if the truth turns out to be negative, such as finding out the results of hospital tests for example.  Alternatively, it could be a white lie, such as “I am too tired to go out tonight" to avoid conflict or please others.

According to Harvard psychologist William Pollack, Ph.D, telling lies and keeping secrets can actually be bad for your health. Of course, we all know that certain lies need to be told and certain secrets must be kept. We just have to make sure we know when to lie or when to tell the truth.

When to do which

Tell the truth if:

·      Someone asks you outright – if you lie to someone directly, chances are that if they find out you will have damaged the trust within that relationship. Your friend, relative or partner will always remember it and never be sure whether you’re telling the truth or not in the future.

·      It’s making you tense and anxious – If you’re keeping a secret or have begun to tell lies and it’s making you nervous, tense and wound up, it’s better to come clean and put yourself (and everyone around you) out of their misery.

·      The situation isn’t too bad yet – If you can see things getting worse it’s good to come clean, especially if you think there might be ways to solve the problem or solutions that can be thought of behind the reason you lied/kept a secret.

Keep the secret or continue lying if:

·      It’s not your secret – Telling someone else’s secret might lead to gossip as well as breaking that person’s trust. Also, that person might have decided they want to sort it out themselves, and so you will shame them by getting there first. If it’s not your business it’s better not to trouble with it and support their decision in whether or not to tell.

·      You intend to tell it within days – Sometimes “Now just isn’t the right time”, and that’s okay. These things are better dealt with if everyone is in a good mood and ready to talk deeply about an issue.

So How do Lies and Secrets Affect my Health?

1.    Telling lies or keeping secrets is prone to making you anxious and on edge. Having something on your mind all the time isn’t good for you, especially if it’s linked to danger, e.g. someone finding out and exposing you, or the worry of others getting hurt etc. This makes us begin a “fight or flight” response, in which adrenaline is constantly in our bodies, which can be damaging long term and cause illnesses such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).

2.    Telling lies or keeping secrets distract you from your daily routine – you are more likely to make mistakes, forget things, and make physical activities seem more difficult.

3.    Sometimes the secret itself is something you should be talking about. Having a “Big secret” can be very taxing if you have no one you feel you can tell, and therefore are not getting the appropriate support from family and friends. If you need someone to talk to but feel you have nowhere to turn, you might be better off talking to a therapist, calling a helpline such as the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90,  or asking for help on an internet forum.

Try and do what’s best for yourself and the people you love. This might involve making a difficult choice or coming clean about something.  Whether you choose to lie or tell the truth, keep the secret or reveal it, think about whether or not it is justified, and if the good consequences outweigh the bad.

 

Men and Depression: The Internal Conflict

“Depression is rage spread thin” - George Santayana

Depression affects 6 million men every year in America alone.  Reasons for depression that men have reported include: trouble in an important relationship, unemployment, pregnancy or childbirth, separation/divorce, retirement, and work stress.

There is a lot of pressure upon men in our society to maintain a sense of “masculinity” and being a “real man”. Sometimes this means that when a man feels desperate, lonely or depressed – he will hide his feelings and keep things bottled up. Because of this, men are three times more likely to commit suicide than women (statistic from the Royal College of Psychiatrists).

There is a common misconception that women are the more body conscious, the more emotional and the more soulful of the sexes – but this is not true. A man may look into the mirror and hate his appearance, doubting himself for not being muscular enough, for being short, not having much chest hair etc. Similarly, men feel the same emotional range as women and can also suffer from depression or anxiety. They just tend to keep it much more hidden.

If you think you know a man who is suffering with depression, be sensitive about it. He may not want to admit to himself or you that he is out of his depth. Men traditionally see themselves as having a lot of responsibility; earn the wage, be the protector, be man of the house. And when they start to struggle they see it as a failure. A crisis of masculinity, if you like.

Things you need to know and look for concerning Male Depression:

·         Coping Mechanisms – Male coping mechanisms differ a lot from female coping strategies. A man might throw himself into an activity, focussing a lot on work or sport to avoid dealing with his problems or distract himself. Also, the man in question might resort to impulsive strategies such as alcohol or drugs to cope with the feelings they are experiencing.

·         Downplaying signs or symptoms – Men are much more likely to ignore or justify the feelings they are experiencing than females.

·         Reluctance to discuss things – Men probably wont want to discuss they feelings with anyone, let alone a mental health professional. It’s better to reach out to your man in a caring, casual way when encouraging to seek help, e.g. “It’s probably nothing darling, but it might be worth just popping to see Dr Smith in case he has any suggestions” than “You are depressed and I’m taking you to see a Psychiatrist on Monday!”.

·         Emotions – Men are likely to feel anger, violence or frustration rather than sadness when they are depressed.

·         Physical vs Emotional – Males are likely to report feelings of physical pain such as headaches, backaches, dizziness, chest and joint pain rather than emotional discomfort.

If you think that your partner, son, brother, father or male friend is suffering from depression, try to encourage them to seek help from a Doctor or Psychotherapist without pressuring them or making a big “fuss” about it. The Royal College of Psychiatrists offers helpful information here:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/expertadvice/problems/depression/mendepression.aspx

 

Jingle Hells- How Avoid the Christmas Stress

 

“Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit!” – Frank McKinney Hubbard.  

Christmas can be a very stressful time of year – so much planning and organising, living up to expectations, spending time with that Uncle you hate, making sure everything is perfect…There are lots of things you can do to prevent the Christmas stress from getting to you.

Some top tips are:

Give up unrealistic Internal Demands: Too many people at Christmas think “Everyone must have a good time” or “I must organise things perfectly”.  Therapist Yvonne Wildi  says that “Magazines, shops and television programmes create an almost impossible to achieve level of perfection which often bears little in relation to reality but many of us still feel driven to try and achieve the fantasy.” To set yourself such idealistic targets is surely going to add to your stress greatly. It’s much better to think of things in a more flexible way. You’re not responsible for other people’s enjoyment – they are. Stop hoping to reach the impossible levels of expectation, as it’s not going to happen. 

Try not to Pressurise yourself: This is closely related to the internal demands, but on a more basic level. If you don’t reach your targets, never mind. Try again tomorrow. 

Stop Catastrophising:  Something might go wrong and you think “This is awful! It’s the end of the world!” but really just sit back, relax and try to look at the situation. Be rational about the problem. Is it really “awful” or is it just an annoying hassle? Looking at things rationally will help you deal with things better and find a solution for these (often trivial) problems.

Look after Yourself: With everything going on, we might forget to eat or drink or take some time out. Make sure you eat well and healthily, drink enough fluid, and have time to relax. Meeting these criteria will keep your body at a normal level and help you concentrate better on the tasks ahead. 

When dealing with Teens: At Christmas some parents act in certain ways or say certain things that push their teenagers back into “Child mode”. Try to remember that they are young adults now, and will not want to do the same things as they used to. By treating them with respect and talking to them in a mature way, you can ensure that any conflicts or “Stop babying me!” situations will be avoided.

Dealing with Loss or Grief at Christmas: Christmas can be a dark and lonely place for those who are suffering loss. It will draw your attention to those who “Should be there but aren’t” and often make you feel sad and even guilty for continuing without them. The glaring happiness others feel can sometimes have a negative effect, but just try to remember that although loved ones are gone, loved ones still remain. Try to enjoy your time with your friends and family as much as possible, whilst fondly thinking of those who are no longer with you. It’s okay to feel sad at Christmas. 

Remember not to forget the main point of Christmas and allow any stress diminish from the pleasure of enjoying time with family and friends. As Calvin Coolidge says: "Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas."

How to Change Your Reality in 4 Steps

“Reality is merely is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one"  Albert Einstein

The way we perceive the world is a guide to how we navigate our way through it via out filters of experience- our map.  You see, ‘reality’ as we see it is only an edited version of the ‘real thing’- the territory.  Most of us operate as if our map that we hold in our minds is the reality that everyone else uses.  We then make assumptions and deletions based on our perceptions, resulting in stress and conflict as we learn that others don’t think the same way!

We create a very limited view of the world which often leaves us feeling without choice, stressed and unhappy that others aren’t doing it right. Or, we feel we seem to be getting it wrong (depending on what our model says) !  The question I often ask my clients is, ‘would you like to change this view’?  Most of them say yes of course though with a having a map comes a certain amount of investment in that view of the world and a fear of what might happen if I change it?

As a therapist, I aim to challenge the ‘reality’ of a person’s experience whilst respecting their model of the world as being theirs and unique.  I do not wish to trample on what has been their foundation for years of experience though perhaps offer them a different perspective from a third person’s point of view.  This in itself can be liberating.

To begin shifting your reality, work through the following steps to begin editing your experiences:

1.    Bring a stressful or negative memory or thought to mind- make sure you make it as powerful as possible- sense and connect with the colours, feelings, sounds again.

2.    Check in with yourself- would it be okay to let go of any unpleasant feelings associated with it? If ‘no’ then ask yourself ‘what is the positive purpose of keeping it?  i.e. so you don’t do it again or so you can ‘punish’ that person or yourself? Be curious.

3.    Next, notice how you think about the thought or memory you’re accessing then:

a.    If you’re associated (in it), dissociate (see yourself in it like a movie)

b.    Turn it black and white if it is in colour.

c.     If it is in 3D, make the memory flat like you’re seeing it on a screen.

d.    Shrink it down in size until you have it about the size of a postcard, flat and black and white in front of you.

e.    Reach out in your mind, screw it up and throw it away or burn it.

4.    Test it- Think about the memory now and see how you feel about it now?  If it feels better, you’re finished.  If there is no change, try altering the other submodalities such as making the sound different or quieter or adding a funny soundtrack to the image or memory.  Using humour is very powerful for changing our perceptions of things.  Try it next time you are scared of something or anticipating an event like doing a presentation- imagine the most ridiculous thing or a commentary by someone who makes you laugh and see how it feels. Feel free to play with it, after all, it’s your reality!

Tips for Breaking the Worry Cycle

“Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” - Henry David Thoreau

Worry can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Your kids haven’t been abducted, you’re happily married and a month ahead on the rent – so what’s the problem? Why can’t we stop worrying?

We worry about everything and nothing. Most worriers are aware that there is no logic in the act of worrying – it is shutting it off which proves to be the problem! And it can be exhausting.

Dr. Walter Cavert did a study of the things we worry about. He discovered that:


40 % of the things we worry about never happen,

30 % of our worries concern the past,
12 % of our worries are needless worries about our health,
10 % of our worries are insignificant or petty (things that will really not make much of a difference in our lives one way or another).

We have spent 92 % of our emotional energies over things that won’t happen or things we can’t change.
 

Identifying why you worry is a suitable starting point to dealing with this cycle. For some it might be physical; they have had too much sugar or caffeine (it is surprising how much of a difference this can make!) or they haven’t worked out at the gym in a while and feel a bit restless. Or it could be mental, like stress or dysfunctional thought patterns.

Getting to the root of the worry is essential in breaking the worry cycle. Find out what is triggering the anxieties, and avoid those triggers. But how do we figure out what they are? The problem is, worries don’t always have a reason. It could simply be the fact that everything is going so well which makes a person nervous as they are expecting it to change! Sometimes, worrying about something can be reassuring, as if it might solve the problem when the problem isn’t even there yet. Confused? Us too.

The trick is: Just sit back and relax. Take a minute to laugh at yourself – worrying about things that don’t exist or running too many 'what if' thoughts? Try mixing up the associations with the worry- imagine it being like a movie or a comic strip where you can put a funny soundtrack to it or canned laughter. Do whatever makes it light hearted or silly and see what happens!

Avoid the caffeine if you can. It’ll increase your awareness and that fretful part of your brain will be kicked into overdrive.

Try and figure out if you can take any action against what’s worrying you. Chances are it’s something so miniscule and irrelevant that when you moan about it to someone, they’ll tell you to “find some real problems”. But if there really is something, you DO have a bill due soon – think about ways in which you can deal with that. And if it’s all under control and you worry anyway? STOP. Cue the laughter. 

A useful process to follow is to write down all your ‘worries’ and write down all possible solutions to each problem.  Don’t analyse, just brainstorm. Then go back and assess which ones are the best and the pros and cons of each.  Next, decide on the most practical solution.  This helps engage the rational side of your brain and enables you to see the worry from another perspective.  If you struggle with this exercise, think about what advice you would give a friend if they had the same issue, or ask another for some ideas for solutions.  Lastly, ask yourself what is the first step to changing this? Take action and remember to review your progress. 

Life is too short. Kick back, put your feet up, and enjoy the ride. Worrying will get you nowhere and it won’t allow you to have fun. Relax and take some time to think about what’s good in your life. Break the cycle today.

Four Steps to Beating Stress at Work

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” - William James

You may not realise the serious implications that stress can have on your every day life. According to recent research in the Lancet Medical Journal, those who have high stress levels in the workplace and low control in decision making have a 23% increased risk of a heart attack.

Stress is caused by our body's natural “fight or flight” defences, releasing chemicals such as adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol into our bodies. Although this can be a fantastic defence mechanism at times, when these chemicals remain in our bodies for an extended period of time, they mean business, leading to Chronic stress.

Chronic stress can disrupt your life in many ways, as well as causing physical changes in your body, resulting in ailments such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), sickness and insomnia.  It may may also lead to emotional problems such as arguing with relatives, lack of confidence and esteem, forgetfulness and even depression.

Luckily, Scientists and Psychologists have been exploring ways in which stress can be reduced and managed:

Firstly – Get organised. If that pile of work is growing, plan what you're going to do and by when each week. A good mantra is: Defer, Delegate, Delete. Be realistic and prioritise- don't load yourself up with too much work as chances are this will only increase your stress. Set yourself reasonable, achievable targets and get them done.

Secondly – Reflect on the successes of each day. If you managed to get through the tasks you set yourself, you deserve a pat on the back. If not, don't worry about it – just spread out the remaining work evenly through the rest of your week's plan.

Thirdly – Relax. At the end of a hard day, you deserve to put your feet up and read that novel you started 4 months ago and never got round to. Keep work within the workplace if you can.  A few hours at home should be dedicated to spending time alone or with family switching off on a regular basis.

Fourthly – Employ some techniques to reduce your stress levels. Exercise is excellent for stress prevention, as is sex (lucky us!) ; so is seeing your friends and enjoying time with them- or even more focused activities such as Meditation and Mindfulness. Although this can be hard to grasp at first, there is plenty of help online such as http://www.how-to-meditate.org/.

Finally –We all get stressed at times. You are not alone. It takes some time to reduce your stress levels, but you can get there. The most helpful thing you can do is take a positive attitude and try to smile. Take each day at a time.  If you're finding yourself overwhelmed by the effects of stress, seeking the help of a Counsellor or Therapist may help. Visit: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk  for more information.

Greater Steps Towards Happiness- Step 5: Learning to Let Go

Although we like to coin the phrase ‘putting the past behind us’, often we rationalise how we feel when our emotions continue to cause us disturbance and limit our ability to be happy.  We might attempt to distract ourselves from unpleasant memories or feelings- anything from going out socialising all the time to watching TV or going on Facebook. These patterns of avoidance then easily become a way of life and keep us stuck. 

Making peace with the past is something that enables us to move forward on our path towards happiness and also allows us to live and embrace the ‘here and now’.  

First of all, taking time to reflect on what is unresolved in your life enables you to develop awareness of it. It might be related to childhood issues or recurring patterns such as in relationships, whether the issue was triggered by you or someone else. You might identify certain themes in your life, such as rejection or loneliness- recognising this pattern is the first step towards changing it and understanding how your present situation evolved. This is different from dwelling on the past as opposed to creating new connections that enable you to learn from your experience.

Letting go also involves forgiveness-recurring negative feelings such as guilt, anger and resentment are signs of non-forgiveness, towards ourselves or others.  Forgiveness can take time and is hard to do and also involves having compassion for yourself or the other person.  Holding onto such attachments keeps you a prisoner to the past and keeps you caught in a vicious cycle of negativity and blame. 

To begin the forgiveness process, choose three people in your life who still provoke anger or resentment and write down the reasons why it was their fault. Then try challenging these thoughts, offering evidence for and against your view and re-evaluate what happened.  Try stepping into their shoes and seeing what you feel or how you see the situation- does it feel any different?

Finally, allow yourself the opportunity to write a letter to each person outlining how you feel and express freely what you needed to say.  This isn’t meant to be sent, just an exercise to discharge your emotion around it.  Then review your feelings again and see how it feels.  If possible, speak to that person and allow yourself to be honest with how this situation affected you, adding that you would like to now release it and move forward.  

As Robert Muller put it: “To forgive is the most highest beautiful form of love. In return, you will get untold peace and happiness.”