Top 5 things you need to know to survive being a working parent

As Sheryl Sandberg says: ‘..there’s no such thing as work life balance. There’s work and there’s life and there’s no balance.’  ‘Work-life Balance’ can feel like an elusive ideal we should be aspiring for and yet feel we never quite achieve.  What with trying to ‘balance’ meetings at work, school runs, housework and then fit in some downtime and exercise (if you’re lucky), it can feel like a constant juggling act as a parent.

As a working parent myself to a 3-month old, I know how difficult it is trying to balance everything including a career, whilst trying to remain fully functioning and happy.  With increasing pressures on parents to maintain a good career to provide a nice lifestyle for their family and deal with the financial pressures this brings, it is no wonder Stress, Depression and Anxiety disorders are on the rise. Essentially, parents are often trying to cope with two full time jobs- the one that pays the bills and looking after the kids.

That aside, there are some things that parents often forget in the midst of the juggling act that make life that bit easier:

1.    Create a support Network outside the family

Being a working parent can be isolating and it’s important to gain external support.  Even if your social life has dwindled, ensure that you make time to speak to friends, on the phone or face to face (Facebook as a last resort!). I ensure I see at least one friend a week for a coffee or lunch to keep in touch. If you want to combine it with doing some exercise all the better! Online support can also be of benefit as well, especially to connect with other parents who may be going through similar issues. Try http://www.familylives.org.uk/ or http://www.netmums.com/ to find parenting forums or support groups.

2.    Create clear, flexible priorities

When you’ve got a demanding career and an active family life, you can often feel torn between your priorities and overwhelmed at trying to achieve too much at once. Having a more flexible approach can enable you to gain more sense of control over your life balance and move away from this constant state of stress.  One strategy for doing this is to list at the end or beginning of each week what your priorities are and look at what you can defer, delegate or delete from that list. Then set 2-3 clear goals for the week and put the other small goals that take a few minutes like phone calls in a ‘batch list’ and blitz these when you have some time though prioritise achieving the main goals first.

3.    Accept your limitations and what is ‘good enough’

Get out of the mindset of trying to be the perfect parent and start feeling ‘good enough’.  Deciding to keep a career going whilst being a parent inevitably means sacrifices have to be made on time spent with children. This doesn’t mean you have to then compensate with giving things, which is what parents often do to dispel their guilt.  Just accept the decisions you have made and then focus on making the time you do spend with your kids’ count- quality time matters more than anything.  Also accept your limitations and challenge your ‘ill be happy when…’ mentality as that only leads to severe dissatisfaction. Now is where you are.

4.    Find ways of being more present

Leading on from that, start exploring ways of being more in the moment.  I am sure you’ve already heard of ‘mindfulness’ if you haven’t dabbled in the practice already.  Having a ‘beginners mind’ is a Zen Buddhist practice, which essentially means being open and seeing things afresh like a curious child.  I rather like this idea as it involves getting out of your existing rut and habitual patterns and jumping into a new frame of wonderment and excitement. Ask yourself, if I had a beginners mind, how would I see my situation differently and what would I be telling myself?  Try a mindfulness practice for yourself and download the headspace app: https://www.headspace.com/ Having children also gives you an ample excuse to let the inner child out to play every now and then!

5.    Book appointments with yourself.

This might sound a bit desperate needing to set meetings with yourself though I’ve done this for myself as well as with clients and it really does work.  Think about it, would you ignore an important meeting in your diary? Not likely though often parents neglect their own needs and can end up feeling trapped in their responsibilities.  I teach all my clients about ‘enlightened self interest’, which is about prioritising your own wellbeing with the view that if you’re healthy and happy, you’ll be able to deliver your best to others. Being flexible in your priorities also means you can sometimes make space for yourself without feeling guilty and still be a good parent.  So book that spa day now!

Is Facebook Reducing your Wellbeing?

Facebook lowers life Satisfaction

According to a recent study Facebook can make us feel worse about ourselves and our lives.  Facebook is widely regarding as a way of keeping in touch with our friends and family and allowing us to stay well connected.  The study conducted by The universities of Michigan and Leuven in Belgium recruited a group of young people in their late teens and early 20’s to test this out.  Participants were text messaged five times a day for 14 days with an online survey asking questions like ‘How do you feel right now?’ and ‘How much have you used Facebook since the last time we asked?’ and completed a life satisfaction survey before and after.

The researchers reported that the more the participants used Facebook, the more unhappy and dissatisfied they felt with their lives; whereas direct social contact made them feel better about themselves and had no negative effects on their life satisfaction.  It was found that Facebook was more likely to be used when the individuals felt bad which subsequently made them feel worse.  Social comparison with peers and friends was cited as one of the main reasons which lead to increased feelings of dissatisfaction and lower states of wellbeing.  

Facebook linked to Narcissism

Other studies* looking at the correlation between social media use and narcissism in those in middle age also indicates that there is a link between narcissistic traits and amount of Facebook use.  In our self obsessed ‘generation me’ culture, people are seemingly more needy for validation and approval than ever before and with social media those needs are met instantly. Self worth may lower if we feel that we aren’t achieving the same amount of ‘likes’ on our posts or aren’t having as an exciting life as our peers as we perceive it.  The studies suggest however that certain personality traits such as exhibitionism can be magnified with use of social media rather than Social media being the problem in itself. 

Facebook isn’t the core issue

Studies conclude that there is no substitute for face to face contact though should we cut ourselves off from Social Media altogether?  It can be a source of great social support for younger and older generations alike and enables us to keep in touch with people when in our busy lives we wouldn’t otherwise do.  There are certain indicators like existing low self esteem issues and loneliness that make some more vulnerable to being affected by Facebook use. Like any platform, it is how and when we use it that is key to our Psychological wellbeing and it being a positive rather than a negative addition in our lives.  

Here’s 5 tips for keeping yourself and your family sane whilst using Facebook: 

1.  Keep Boundaries around yours and your family’s Facebook Use: With Smartphones and iPads, we are all switched onto Social Media 24-7 and it can easily eat up your spare time. Have certain times in the day when you switch it off and spend time speaking on the phone and face to face with your family and friends. 
2. Avoid Using Facebook when you’re in a low or frustrated mood.  As research suggests, it only creates a further downer when you do, so be more conscious of doing things like going out for a run or phoning a good friend to boost your mood.   
3. Ask yourself what is the purpose for you using Facebook and does it really add something positive to your life? If it doesn’t and the negatives outweigh the positives, consider deleting your account and encouraging your friends/family to use another social media platform like Instagram or Twitter to keep in touch.
4. If you or a family member is using Facebook because you’re feeling lonely or isolated, consider other options.  Social media is easily accessible though it can lower confidence and self esteem if other social outlets aren’t utilised.  Consider joining a group for a hobby you enjoy or starting a night class.  If you feel you need support to overcome your barriers, you may consider speaking to a Therapist for support. 
5.  Finally, try changing the way you use Facebook so it becomes a more positive social outlet in your life.  Rather than moaning for instance as a lot of people do (or on the other handing, showing off about how wonderful your life is!) try sharing something positive or inspiring that has happened to you or you’ve come across.  If certain ‘friends’ on Facebook become regularly annoying or negative, try deleting them from your Facebook newsfeed or deleting them altogether!  Weave a new social fabric in your life and experience your positivity grow.

*http://www.slate.com/blogs/future_tense/2013/09/24/facebook_s_for_middle_aged_narcissists_twitter_for_young_ones.html

Your Wellbeing- Improved with Gratitude

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” – Melody Beattie

Expressing gratitude improves your attitude (and your well being). But just saying “thank you” isn’t enough – From your heart you have to really mean it, although merely expressing it is a good starting point.  

Gratitude: The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

It can be hard to be grateful sometimes. After a long day at work with various trials and tribulations, sometimes when we get home we forget to appreciate the small things – Your partner cooking tea, or the kids bouncing down the stairs to greet you, your friend popping round with a book they thought you might like. Little things which we should be grateful for often get lost during the stress of every day life, but research has shown that if we start to notice and appreciate these things, we will also notice lots of health benefits;

• Better sleeping, more social connections, improvement in overall happiness, higher levels of Energy, increased optimism

And are less likely to be;

• Depressed, greedy or have alcohol dependency issues

(Taken from Melinda Beck of the Wall Street Journal)

One Method of increasing your gratitude is taking a step back and looking at the world in a rational way, i.e. is this situation really so bad/hopeless?  Often it is easy for us to get into ‘black and white’ thinking which means we can magnify our problems or discount what is good about the situation. 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy offers useful tools to help you to get past disfunctional thought processes and teach you to see the good in every situation and challenge any irrational thoughts. A simple strategy I often recommend to clients is to question the evidence of your thoughts and ‘is this really true?’  This helps engage the more logical part of your mind to counteract the negative thought.

Random Acts of Kindness also increases your wellbeing as it helps you to feel good about yourself, and increases your gratitude as you start to appreciate that the “Little things” really do matter. This week is Random Acts of Kindness week- have a look at the website for more information and how to get involved.

The benefits are clearly worth trying.  Be grateful. Notice the little things, say thank you, and you’ll start to feel happier, more energised and optimistic. Be thankful for the effort people put in, and the things that they do for you. The more you notice them, the more you will learn to appreciate them, and in turn make that person feel more appreciated.

Returning acts of kindness is also another way to show your appreciation and gratitude towards someone. Maybe even keep a journal with a list of everything you are grateful at the end of each day, no matter how small.  Develop an 'attitude of gratitude' and notice the results!

Anti Depressants- do they really work?

“Pain could be killed. Sadness could not, but the drugs did shut its mouth for a time.”  Colson Whitehead, Zone One

There is currently a debate around whether Anti depressants are being overused for treating Depression and if there is really a strong enough evidence base for them.

Statistics show that at least 1 in 10 people in the UK suffer from depression, it’s prevalence being slightly higher in women, with 1 in 20 of sufferers being as a result of clinical depression.  Anti depressant prescriptions in the UK have increased by 9.6% in 2011, to 46 million prescriptions and continue to rise.

There is no question that most people with Depression report a reduction in their symptoms though research shows that improvement appears to be due to psychological factors, i.e., the placebo effect.  Evidence is currently inconclusive about how much the Placebo effect is involved. We could ask, how much of the effectiveness of medication is due to the active ingredients and the non Placebo effect?

From my own experiences of working with hundreds of clients with Depression, both Clinical (i.e. from a chemical Serotonin imbalance) and ‘Reactive’ (as a result of a response to an event or stressor), Anti Depressants do have their place.  Many initially report an improvement using Anti Depressants though often, alone they aren’t enough to resolve the underlying factors that cause it in the first place and that help maintain it.  For instance, taking a pill when experiencing work stress may buffer against some of the negative emotional effects though unless the underlying triggers are addressed, things may not change long term. With some clients, Anti Depressants have little effect or in some cases, cause a worsening of symptoms as a result of unpleasant side effects.

Dr Ian Reid, Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Aberdeen, says "Antidepressants are but one element available in the treatment of depression, not a panacea,"…they can have harmful side effects, and they certainly don't help everyone with the disorder. But they are not overprescribed. Careless reportage has demonised them in the public eye, adding to the stigmatisation of mental illness, and erecting unnecessary barriers to effective care." 

The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) guidelines doesn’t promote the use of Anti depressants as a first port of call for treating moderate depression though instead advocates talking therapies such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and Interpersonal Therapy initially. Often however, long NHS waiting lists prevent individuals accessing services.  GP’s only option then is to prescribe medication to patients when there are few alternatives available.

Posing my question at the beginning, is there enough evidence to support the widespread use of Anti Depressants; one might argue, if it makes people feel better, why worry about how that happens? Perhaps the individual’s belief in the pill as well as the scientific base causes the improvement.  Often, the therapeutic benefit of talking about our problems and expressing our feelings to a professional such as a GP is part of the healing effect;  ‘It’s good to talk’ as BT says.

The promotion of medication alone however, dismisses the wider implications of creating a culture of ‘pill popping’ rather than addressing underlying causes and socioeconomic factors.   We should be asking why has depression become endemic, not only in the UK but worldwide and how can we change it? In our modern ‘quick fix’ society, we are prone to avoiding the real issues when we need to take a move in the direction of change and start doing something differently. 

How to Stay Resolute this Year

“How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them” – Benjamin Franklin

Change can sometimes be very daunting, especially when it comes to sticking to a resolution you have decided upon yourself. We don’t always adjust well to change, and it can be challenging and stressful to keep up willpower or reach targets we set ourselves. It can also be very distressing when we fail, so here we offer all the help we can to assist your achievement, and give advice on what to do when things don’t quite go to plan…

Top Four resolutions (source: University of Washington):

-          Increase exercise

-          Be more conscientious about work or school

-          Develop better eating habits

-          Stop smoking, drinking, or using drugs (including caffeine)

Tips for Sticking to your Goals:

Be Realistic – When setting yourself a resolution, you have to be realistic. You are only human, and trying to achieve something completely out of reach will no doubt put you under a lot of stress and even affect your esteem. Start small if you can, and increase your targets if all goes well! It is great to dream and have a vision of where you want to be eventually, but break it down; goal at 3 months, goal at six months, at nine, and finally at a year.

Reward Yourself – Positive reinforcement, the giving of rewards when things go well, will encourage you to succeed time and time again, and makes it easier on you to accept the changes you are undergoing.

DO NOT punish yourself – this can have a negative effect and make you feel like a failure. Learn to forgive yourself. 

Talk to Others – Getting support and encouragement from those around you can greatly improve your success with a resolution. They might even join in, which can increase your performance – e.g. going for a morning run twice a week, or cutting down on how much you smoke. Chances are others will want these changes too, and so you can support and motivate each other.

Track Your Progress – Keep an eye on how you’re doing. This can increase your motivation, as you’ll see how well you’re doing, or which areas you need to improve. It is important to do this so that your progress and the changes you are going through are clearly set out in your mind.

Good luck, and stay positive. This isn’t the be all and end all of making the changes that you want in life. A new year is a fresh start in many ways, not just resolutions. And if you’re having trouble thinking of resolutions, look back over last year and think of things you might want to have changed or done differently if you had the opportunity. Don’t regret what’s in the past – use it to create yourself a better future.

A useful website in which you can select a resolution and track your progress:
https://www.resolutions.change4life.co.uk/