Avoidance is not a Strategy

“How soon 'not now' becomes 'never'.” Martin Luther

We all have our own habits of avoidance- from cleaning the house when we really need to prepare for that meeting, to oversleeping to avoid going to the gym.  Even when we know we have to face doing that particular thing, we often end up sabotaging ourselves once again and then inevitably feel guilty or frustrated.  You might ask yourself ‘why’ you keep doing it and feel powerless to change.

There is an element of self delusion in the process; procrastinators tell lies to themselves. Such as, "I'll feel more like doing this tomorrow." Or "I work best under pressure." The reality being that they do not get the urge the next day or work best under pressure. In addition, they protect their sense of self by saying "this isn't important." Another big lie procrastinators indulge is that time pressure makes them more creative. Unfortunately they do not turn out to be more creative; they only feel that way and they squander their resources.

Tom came to see me wanting help to overcome his procrastination issue. He summarised it as ‘putting his head in the sand’ to the point where he sabotaged everything; his boss was becoming increasingly frustrated with him under performing at work due to his seeming lack of motivation.  His wife was virtually set to leave him unless he sorted himself out as he avoided doing anything at home, even spending time with her (as he spent his evenings catching up on work).  Although Tom is an extreme example of how stuck you can become in procrastination patterns, it is easy to get to this point unless you address the underlying cause.  In Tom’s case, his chronic low self esteem and fear of failure prevented him from even trying to do things in the first place.

There are various causes of procrastination-the main ones are outlined below:

Perfectionism: Many people who procrastinate have a fear of not doing something "perfectly".  They constantly feel the need to wait for the perfect time and the perfect circumstances to take action.  Sadly, that never happens, so they keep holding back, waiting endlessly.

Fear of failure: People who procrastinate because of a fear of failure feel safer dreaming about the great things they'll do someday, but they avoid doing them now because they might fail.  They want to wait until they feel stronger and more capable before they take action, but they don't stop to think that strength and capability are developed by DOING, not thinking or dreaming.

Fear of success: As strange as it may seem, procrastination may also be caused by a fear of success.  Even though a person may think he or she WANTS to be successful, they worry about the potential burden(s) of success, the obligations, increased responsibility, increased attention from others, and more.  It feels safer to stay behind the scenes, dreaming of success but never daring to achieve it.  

Fear of the unknown: The unknown consequences of taking action can often cause a person to hold back, because as dissatisfied with their life as they may be, at least it's familiar.  These people often have the "one wrong move" syndrome, and they avoid taking action because they fear it might be the wrong action, which would cause more problems for them. 

Low self-worth: A person who doesn't believe they deserve happiness and success will usually avoid taking action to create it in their lives.  They'll remain locked in unpleasant circumstances, even though they desperately wish they could get out of them.

Low self-confidence: Sometimes procrastination is caused by a simple lack of confidence.  A person may desire to change, and believe they deserve a better life, but they hold back because they doubt their ability to make lasting changes.  Rather than try, they simply accept the "fact" that they can't do anything about it. 

Procrastinators actively look for distractions, particularly ones that don't take a lot of commitment on their part. Checking e-mail or Facebook is almost perfect for this purpose. They distract themselves as a way of regulating their emotions such as anxiety around failure. In Tom’s case, it got to the point where his fear kept him locked in a habituated state of avoidance- even though he wanted to change he couldn’t because the fear would be too overwhelming.  Until he learned to pass through the ‘pain barrier’ of fear, he was able to move forward and gradually resolve his anxiety.

As with Tom, once you understand why you're procrastinating, it's important to develop a plan to help you move forward.  A successful plan will involve:

1.    Addressing and altering your limiting beliefs: This will take consistent effort on your part, and a willingness to challenge your beliefs.  For example, if you believe you don't deserve a better life, you'll need to change that belief and convince yourself that you are worthy of having the things you want. Trying something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help you address this. 

2.    Taking action: It's ironic that the "cure" for procrastination is the very thing that causes the fear that creates it!  If you weren't afraid of taking action (for any reason), you wouldn't procrastinate.  In order to overcome procrastination, you need to be willing to take action in spite of the fear.  You need to build up your courage and ignore those fear-ridden thoughts that try to stop you. Start by prioritising what you need to do and break down each task into manageable stages to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

3.    Start small: The great thing about taking action is that it builds your confidence bigger and stronger every time you do it.  Even tiny actions have the power to change everything.  Most notably, you suddenly realize that there is nothing to fear.  Once you push through that initial terror, you realize that you're still okay.  This gives you the courage to take another step forward, and another.

4.    There is No Failure only feedback. It's important to be firm, yet gentle with yourself through this process.  It's good to push yourself a little bit, though not to the point that you backslide and give up completely.  Listen to yourself and begin to distinguish between your inner guidance and fearful thoughts.  The more you work at it, the clearer and easier it becomes though it is important to review your progress on a weekly or fortnightly basis and if it isn’t working, try something else. 

Procrastination is a destructive behaviour that that can take on a life of its own if left unaddressed. The good news is that changing these patterns is possible when you choose to take control and overcome your fearful thoughts as Tom did.  

As Arnold Bennet said, “We shall never have more time. We have, and always had, all the time there is. No object is served in waiting until next week or even until tomorrow. Keep going... Concentrate on something useful.”

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk

Feeling Mind-full?

“ Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”. John Lennon

I saw this phrase written on someone’s T-shirt the other day after returning from Birmingham on the train. I had to chuckle to myself as at the time, I was eating a sandwich, listening to my ipod whilst making a list of all the things I had to do for work over the coming week.  Like many people, I felt I was being super efficient by cramming as much into that spare half hour as I could, otherwise I’d be ‘wasting time’!  Seeing that man’s T-shirt made me stop in my tracks and question myself; ‘what was actually going on for me in this moment?’  I noticed myself feeling really tense and tight in my head and my mind felt like it was racing ahead like a steam train.  Sound familiar? Well it may be a result of feeling mind-full.

The opposite of being Mind-full- a phrase I coined to describe the state of cramming as much as we can into our lives, without being present is ‘Mindfulness’.  Being mindful isn’t about trying to get somewhere or achieving something, it is about just being conscious of where we are, wherever that is, and creating a space for experiencing the present moment. James Baraz puts it like this:

"Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).”

In that situation on the train, It was only when I stopped, checked in with my body and took a few moments to actually feel that I realised how much stress I was holding onto. I was also aware of how many stressed thoughts I was having like “I’ve got to go and do this” and “what if I don’t get time next week to meet her”, which again created more tension and anxiety- all over things that haven’t happened yet!  When I moved my awareness from my body to what was happening around me I also noticed that the sun was shining and the trees outside the window were full of cherry blossom. Did noticing these things change my situation? Not at all, though it certainly brought me back to the awareness of it, without the need to project myself into the past or future and create more thoughts, and subsequently enjoyed my experience of it more.

An analogy that Buddhist monk and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh uses is of feelings and thoughts being like “clouds in a windy sky”, just coming and going with the flow of our mind.  It is when we try and hook into these thoughts and allow our mind to create stress in our body-mind that we experience suffering or anxiety.  He suggests using the breath as our ‘anchor’ to the present though we can also use our experience of the moment.  For instance, the view of the train outside, the smell of the coffee I was drinking or even the sound of the man snoring next to me!  The question you might be asking when you read this though is “what if I want to escape the present when it is uncomfortable or unpleasant- surely that’s when I need to focus on the future!?”

The thing with Mindfulness is that it isn’t about making the present better or trying to get somewhere nicer in our experience- it is simply about being in this moment only, whether our minds judge it as being good or bad, it is just this moment.  Getting back into the practice of Mindfulness (rather than feeling Mind-full!) this week has certainly helped enrich my experience of life just within the last week.  Although I feel myself moving slower than I was before, I am actually more efficient, less stressed and noticeably calmer in even the most potentially stressful situations- even feeling serene in that traffic jam on the M1!  The beauty of Mindfulness is that is so simple and can be done wherever you are- here’s some tips on getting started.

Beginning to Be Mindful

1. Do one thing at a time. Single-task, don’t multi-task. When you’re pouring water, just pour water. When you’re eating, just eat. When you’re bathing, just bathe. Don’t try to knock off a few tasks while eating or bathing or driving. Zen proverb: “When walking, walk. When eating, eat.”

2. Do less. If you do less, you can do those things more slowly, more completely and with more concentration. If you fill your day with tasks, you will be rushing from one thing to the next without stopping to think about what you do. Even if you’re busy, it’s a matter of working out what’s a priority, and letting go of what’s not. 

3. Do it slowly and deliberately. You can do one task at a time, but also rush that task. Instead, take your time, and move slowly. Make your actions deliberate, not rushed and random. It takes practice, but it helps you focus on the task.

4. Create spaces. Related to the “Do less” rule, but it’s a way of managing your schedule so that you always have time to complete each task. Don’t schedule things close together — instead, leave room between things on your schedule. That gives you a more relaxed schedule, and leaves space in case one task takes longer than you planned.

5. Spend at least 5 minutes each day just being mindful. Just sit in silence. Become aware of your thoughts. Focus on your breathing. Notice the world around you. Become comfortable with the silence and stillness. If thoughts start coming up just say to yourself “this is just a thought” and gently change your focus and let it go.

6. Stop worrying about the future – focus on the present. Become more aware of your thinking — are you constantly worrying about the future? Learn to recognize when you’re doing this, and then practice bringing yourself back to the present. Just focus on what you’re doing, right now. Enjoy the present moment.

7. When you’re talking to someone, be present. How many of us have spent time with someone but have been thinking about what we need to do in the future? Or thinking about what we want to say next, instead of really listening to that person? Instead, focus on being present, on really listening, on really enjoying your time with that person.

8. Eat slowly and savour your food. Food can be crammed down our throats in a rush, but where’s the joy in that? Relish each bite, slowly, and really get the most out of your food. Most of us watch TV, read or make shopping lists (or all three!) whilst we eat.  Experiment with just eating and see what happens. 

9. Make cleaning and cooking become meditation. Cooking and cleaning are often seen as drudgery, but actually they are both great ways to practice mindfulness, and can be great rituals performed each day. If cooking and cleaning seem like boring chores to you, try doing them as a form of meditation. Put your entire mind into those tasks, concentrate, and do them slowly and completely. It could change your entire day (as well as leave you with a cleaner house).

10. Keep practicing. When you get frustrated, just take a deep breath. When you ask yourself, “What should I do now?”, the answer is “keep practicing”.  Remember there is no right or wrong way, there is just being where you are in that moment.

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk

Clearing the Clutter

“Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”  Albert Einstein

Spring is the traditional time for cleaning and clearing out the old, allowing space for the new.  It is almost as if the world emerges like a butterfly from its chrysalis, and everything feels renewed and energised again.  This pattern of birth and death in nature is often reflected in our own lives in a continuous cycle.  If we don’t flow with this cycle and let go of the old, it creates clutter or stasis which is when we start feeling energetically stuck or blocked, and dis-ease results. 

Clearing clutter from our lives can be extremely therapeutic, and although sometimes difficult if we have a tendency to hoard, it can be uplifting and energising.  Clutter clearance doesn’t need to apply just to our wardrobes and shelves- it applies equally to how we spend our time, how we think, eat and work.  As writer Dr Lawrence J. Peter once said: “If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?” 

Firstly, identify the source of your clutter. Is it made up of books and paperwork? Outdated old clothes, or new ones you’ve never worn? Anxious or worrisome thoughts? Maybe you’ve cluttered your life with acquaintances and people who really don’t need to be in it anymore; maybe your mind is cluttered with fears and obsessions that you can’t let go of; or your body is cluttered with extra pounds, aches or pains?

Many people who really want to clear up are full of motivation and raring to go- what a relief when it’s free from piles of papers, books and ‘stuff’!  No more will I lose my car keys or have to eat on a tray on the sofa as my table is full of junk. Motivated people see themselves living in an uncluttered environment, surrounded by order and feeling healthy and happy.  Goodbye depression and lethargy; hello joy and tranquil living. 

But is this realistic in practice? Sometimes, yes, if you are good at it and ruthless with your possessions or determined to change your mindset and be focussed enough.  Allowing yourself get bogged down or stuck in old patterns and the fear of letting go is the main hurdle when wanting to create space in your life. Doubts such as: Will I really be able to cope with out this object or person in my life?  What if I regret this decision later on?  Getting out of your comfort zone is the hardest thing to do sometimes though you need to ask yourself, what can I gain from taking a risk?  Often, when we take that leap, we feel a renewed sense of vitality and self esteem.

Claire, a client of mine discovered this when she decided to let go of her relationship with her long term partner of ten years.  Over the years, her self esteem and confidence was gradually eroded away by her boyfriend with his constant jibes and criticisms about everything from her accent to the way she looked.  She came to see me as she felt on the edge of a breakdown and was tormented by self doubt and guilt, with the belief that she must have been a ‘terrible person’ for him to treat her this way.  She wanted to leave this relationship as she knew it was the main root of these feelings, though felt too scared to be on her own.  Gradually, through having counselling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, she began to discover her inner strength again to the point where she was able to overcome her limiting thinking and transform her fear into courage, taking the action to get out of the relationship and over time, rebuild her self esteem.   

Action Points for starting to de-clutter your life:

• Write down a list of your clutter under the headings of work, home, relationships, emotions, thoughts and your health or body.
•  What purpose does holding on to this “clutter” serve in your life?
• How would you feel if you didn’t have it any more?
• What’s the “upside” of holding onto all your ‘stuff’?
• What would be frightening if you let go of some of it?
• What positive emotion does your clutter represent for you (love, security, comfort, warmth, wealth)?
• What is the “downside” of letting go of some or all of it?
• Prioritise the issues and choose 3 to work on this month.
• Ask yourself, what’s the first steps towards changing these things? Make an action plan now on paper for each of them.  Commit yourself to taking at least one action a day. 
• At the end of each week, review your progress and make another list for the following week, and so on.  This way, you will begin to chip away at the list and make progress gradually with de-cluttering your life.  

Remember with de-cluttering, it is important not to overwhelm yourself-making yourself feeling even more stuck is not the purpose of this exercise!  Some things are simpler than others to let go of though for most of us, we are prone to putting off when we feel as if it will be ‘difficult’ or ‘time consuming’.  The solution to this is to break it down into chunks and just do a little each day or each week and make clearing your life a life-long habit that you integrate into your everyday routine.  My first port of call will be my office desk- happy de-cluttering!

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk

Crisis into opportunity

“A crisis is an opportunity riding a dangerous wind” Chinese proverb

Having heard the phrase ‘Crisis and opportunity’ most of us wouldn’t feel that is really the case in the climate with live in- what with financial and economic uncertainty, natural disasters happening around the globe- where is the opportunity in that!? It has been said that the Chinese term for crisis is the same as the word for opportunity.  There is also debate as to whether this is really true, though looking at it in our own lives- is there really two sides to the coin?

It really is a matter of perspective and how we view crisis and opportunity as they are always running parallel and one can always lead to the other.  We may win the lottery one day and then lose it the next and vice versa. The only thing in life we can be certain of (as I am fond of saying!) is that ‘change is the only constant in life’ and that nothing stays the same.  

It came into conversation with a client last week about the issue of Crisis having a flip side to it. To help reframe her situation, I asked her: “looking at your life now, do you see there being any opportunities in what happened to you?”   She looked surprised at first (with a ‘hell no’ look on her face), reflected on it and said “yes actually, it has given me the space to stand back from my life and get off this treadmill I have been on for the last 20 years”.  She needed to step off it first though to realise this and being made redundant was the turning point for her. Crisis comes in many forms and guises though- from bereavement to illness to loss of a relationship. So what makes it a crisis or an opportunity?

Basically, as human beings we are either motivated by love or fear.  To treat events as a ‘crisis’ we are working on the premise that we should be working away from what we really don’t want- uncertainty, poverty, death, disease etc.  If we work from the basis of love and trust, we will view life in a very different way- we will be working towards making money, having great relationships and so forth, and ultimately having acceptance of what is happening right now, with the understanding that we can’t always know what is around the corner!

Here are some suggestions for turning an apparent crisis into an opportunity:

1. Get some perspective

Hindsight is a great thing, and in the midst of a crisis, it can feel as if there will never be an end to it. It’s always worth getting a new perspective on it as apparent crises can often give you the wakeup call you need to create major change and get you out of your comfort zone.

Reflecting on your own life, list every ‘crisis’ that you’ve had say over the last 5-10 years and ask yourself- “what learning or ‘opportunity’ came out of that?” If it is easier, pretend you are viewing it as someone else’s life and see what they might say about it and the events following the ‘crisis’. Did it make you get out of that relationship that wasn’t working or start a new career perhaps?

Do the same with the ‘opportunities’ and see how they compare- which gave you more learning’s? How can you apply this understanding to what is going on in your life now?

2. Take advantage of uncertainty

Going back to the two drivers for human behaviour- fear or love, think about what you can do differently to exploit the current climate of pessimism in both your personal and professional life. 
For example, is this the time to start growing your own veg on an allotment to save money or even create your own co operative?  How about looking at investing in the stock market and taking some calculated risks?  Remember, staying in crisis is about staying in your comfort zone and what is familiar; whereas opportunity is about having the courage to stretch yourself and your possibilities!

3. Create your own opportunities

In a current crisis situation, it is easy to get stuck and become bogged down with what is going wrong.  As a reframe, realise (from exercise 1) what positives have come out of past situations and then ask yourself some different questions. Ask: “what is one thing I can do in this moment/ hour/ day/ week to change this situation and move me forward?” Questions are powerful and can help or hinder you and asking the right ones can empower you to make the right choices, rather than stay stuck where you are.

Once you’ve done that, make a brainstorm of everything you can do after you’ve dealt with the crisis. For example, for my client with the redundancy, I asked her to brainstorm a list of every kind of thing she wanted to try- both personal and professional to aim to broaden her perspective on things. 

 Sometimes, we can become very narrow and rigid in our thinking and we need to look at our situation with new eyes.  For her, this in itself was a revelation as she ended up retraining as an Interior designer and setting up her own consultancy.  A lesson for us all to take that leap of faith!  As Susan Taylor said: “Seeds of faith are always within us; sometimes it takes a crisis to nourish and encourage their growth”

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk