From Angry to Assertive in 10 Steps

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“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Buddha

It’s National Anger Awareness week this week- an opportunity for us to increase our understanding of and get more savvy with ways of managing our anger.  In my experience as a Therapist, Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions; either one to be feared or revered- allowing a gain or loss of control over situations. 

Due to faulty conditioning as children and living in a culture of suppression, rather than expression of feelings, anger can often become a toxic rather than empowering emotion.  We characterize it with the person that loses control at the wheel, the man who beats his wife- it is bad to have anger we say as it can do so much harm.  I always say to my clients that every emotion is a valid one and anger can be more positive than most if channeled in the right way.

For example, if none of us felt any anger, would we ever fight injustice or stand up and be counted?  I doubt it.  The problems come when we choose to repress our feelings and allow them to fester until they transform into something else that can do harm.  The solution? Quite simply, learn to be assertive and say it like it is! 

Being assertive or congruent with your feelings may feel foreign to you at the moment.  Though, it can be learned, like any skill and you may be assertive in some situations more than others.  Think back to times at work or in your personal life when you exhibited more assertive behaviour, what was the difference?  Perhaps there is a certain context such as with your partner where you struggle with being assertive. To begin with, try these steps for learning new ways of changing your communication:

1.    Create some space around the argument before mentally scripting what you need to say using positive language: “I want to clear the air between us and discuss this..”

2.    Use 1^st Person Language and own your point of view- “I feel…”

3.    Get out of the Blame/Shame game: Remember, you have choices as to how you feel, no one can make you angry!

4.    Be specific on what triggered your anger and the degree of it- slightly annoyed- rage?

5.    Acknowledge your part in the situation- own responsibility for anything you did- remember this is a strength, not a weakness.

6.    At the same time, avoid self put-downs or criticisms.  Backing down from an argument in order to please only gets you into the passive role.

7.    Get out of Mind reading what the other person is thinking or feeling.  You need to have evidence based on fact not assumptions!

8.    Focus on the Behaviour, not the person.  i.e. “That was a selfish thing that you did.” rather than “You’re a selfish/angry person.”  

9.    Offer a positive for changing the behaviour- i.e. “We will be able to feel more able to communicate in future and get our needs met.”  

10. Finally, always use Assertive rather than passive or aggressive language: “I feel”, “I would like”, “In my opinion..” 

Remember, assertiveness also encompasses your voice tonality, body language and posture- this is supposed to be 55% of how we communicate so it is key to how others receive your communication, not just the words.

If you feel anger is something that is controlling your life, take a look at the beating anger website or consider speaking to a Therapist in confidence. 

How to Change Your Reality in 4 Steps

“Reality is merely is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one"  Albert Einstein

The way we perceive the world is a guide to how we navigate our way through it via out filters of experience- our map.  You see, ‘reality’ as we see it is only an edited version of the ‘real thing’- the territory.  Most of us operate as if our map that we hold in our minds is the reality that everyone else uses.  We then make assumptions and deletions based on our perceptions, resulting in stress and conflict as we learn that others don’t think the same way!

We create a very limited view of the world which often leaves us feeling without choice, stressed and unhappy that others aren’t doing it right. Or, we feel we seem to be getting it wrong (depending on what our model says) !  The question I often ask my clients is, ‘would you like to change this view’?  Most of them say yes of course though with a having a map comes a certain amount of investment in that view of the world and a fear of what might happen if I change it?

As a therapist, I aim to challenge the ‘reality’ of a person’s experience whilst respecting their model of the world as being theirs and unique.  I do not wish to trample on what has been their foundation for years of experience though perhaps offer them a different perspective from a third person’s point of view.  This in itself can be liberating.

To begin shifting your reality, work through the following steps to begin editing your experiences:

1.    Bring a stressful or negative memory or thought to mind- make sure you make it as powerful as possible- sense and connect with the colours, feelings, sounds again.

2.    Check in with yourself- would it be okay to let go of any unpleasant feelings associated with it? If ‘no’ then ask yourself ‘what is the positive purpose of keeping it?  i.e. so you don’t do it again or so you can ‘punish’ that person or yourself? Be curious.

3.    Next, notice how you think about the thought or memory you’re accessing then:

a.    If you’re associated (in it), dissociate (see yourself in it like a movie)

b.    Turn it black and white if it is in colour.

c.     If it is in 3D, make the memory flat like you’re seeing it on a screen.

d.    Shrink it down in size until you have it about the size of a postcard, flat and black and white in front of you.

e.    Reach out in your mind, screw it up and throw it away or burn it.

4.    Test it- Think about the memory now and see how you feel about it now?  If it feels better, you’re finished.  If there is no change, try altering the other submodalities such as making the sound different or quieter or adding a funny soundtrack to the image or memory.  Using humour is very powerful for changing our perceptions of things.  Try it next time you are scared of something or anticipating an event like doing a presentation- imagine the most ridiculous thing or a commentary by someone who makes you laugh and see how it feels. Feel free to play with it, after all, it’s your reality!

Tips for Allowing more Fun in your Life

“Man consists of two parts, mind and body, only the body has more fun”.  Woody Allen

What does ‘fun’ mean to you?  For many of us it is a reward for working hard or a way of releasing stress, often involving a delay in gratification.  We have different words for it though how many of us have enough fun?

When asked on a training course recently what my key values were in life, fun came up on my top ten.  I then had to question whether I was really living this value in my everyday life.  There were moments in my personal life and in my work where I allowed myself to be playful and spontaneous, though on further reflection, I realised I don't give myself enough opportunity to have fun, and limit my enjoyment in the process.  

A lot of us can allow either our limited conditioning, circumstances (lack of money, poor family/personal relationships) or bad habits restrict our sense of fun.  We might tell ourselves that we need to get the chores done or write that report first and result in rationing our fun to special occasions like a big night out or a birthday party.  Sometimes being an adult and ‘responsible’ in our work and relationships means we can constrain that emotional, child part of us that also needs nurturing.  Often how we learn to have fun or play is taught at a very young age and if it was encouraged or inhibited can create our rules on fun in later life. Though as Katherine Hepburn said: “If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.”

Tips for allowing more fun:

 1.    Define for yourself what “playing” and "fun" mean to you. Make a list of all the fun things you used to do as a child and compare it to the things you do now. Are there any you could bring into your life now?  How do you have fun now and what is it about those things that is important to you?  Are you able to have fun with friends and family and not on your own or vice versa? Learn to redefine what fun means to you and allow yourself to move the goalposts if necessary.

  

2.    Write down all your excuses for not having fun or ‘fun blockers’. Start with writing at the top of the page: ‘I choose to allow myself to have fun, but..’, then spend a few minutes writing a list of bullet points of things that come to mind.  It might also bring up unconscious beliefs that you weren’t aware of such as ‘mum will disapprove’, or ‘I feel guilty’.  Once you’ve done it work on challenging them- how helpful or valid are they for you in your life at present?  

  

3.   Model people who are good at having fun.  Ask them ‘how do they do that?’- what are their beliefs or attitudes around play and fun and how can you learn from them?  Observe children and how they allow themselves to be spontaneous and playful- they are our greatest teachers for having fun.

  

4.    Allow yourself to experiment with different ways of having fun. Make a list of different fun activities (including things you’ve never done before) such as trying rock climbing, painting or going to the cinema.  Don’t edit yourself based on them being childish or a ‘waste of time’- be prepared to let go of old modes of thinking and behaving.  Action at least one thing on your list a week and don’t restrict yourself to weekends or when you have ‘deserved’ it- just do it!

  

5.    Do something new or different each day and break your routine habits. For instance, trying a new filling in your sandwich, walking a different way to work or visiting an art gallery in your lunchtime.  Reflect at the end of your day on how much fun you have had- what could you have done differently that would have enhanced your day?

  

6.    Discover what makes you laugh. The therapeutic benefits of laughter are proven though how many of us laugh every day? Try watching one funny film or comedy a week, go to a comedy club or look up funny sites on the internet. If you are finding it difficult, think about things that have made you laugh in the past or a humourous story and remember why you found it funny.

  

7.    Finally, be alert for any opportunities to have fun through the day on your own and with others. Affirm to yourself regularly you’re right to have fun and be aware of your inner critic blocking or sabotaging you.  Stretching yourself a little each day eventually expands your comfort zone of fun.  And remember, as Dr Seuss said, “fun is good.”

Ready, Set, Goal

How to start a new resolution.

Christmas has been and gone and suddenly we’re in 2012; New Year being that time to reflect on what has gone and make resolutions for the year ahead. Never mind that they were the same goals for the previous year or two, this year is going to be different, right?  You may be the exception, though most of us although well intentioned at the start of the year, fall short after the first obstacle comes along.  In fact, only 5% of us see them through, a bit like me trying to give up chocolate- it was never going to happen!  

What makes the difference with the 5% that do fulfil their aims, do they have extraordinary willpower or is it that they are just better at taking action? If you have failed to follow through on your goals in the past, it will give you little faith in the power of goal setting and your own motivation.  This can also run parallel to experiencing a fear of failure or even success (yes success!); if I do achieve that, what will it mean to me or to others?  Most of us are scared of change and getting out of our comfort zone.  Excuses can be a shield to keep us feeling ‘safe’, even if they keep us stuck, it is familiar territory.  

Sam, a client of mine came to see me wanted to lose a stone in weight.  Although she had lost 3 stone in the past, she was worried about how much attention she would get from others and wanted to remain ‘invisible’.  Getting to the root of the issue- her fear and self esteem issues, she was able to begin making the changes in her life that enabled her to begin losing the weight.  Asking yourself the right questions can also prevent you from going into the trap of staying in your comfort zone as well as ensuring they are realistic and not just lofty aspirations.

Tips to create Goals that are motivating:

1. Write down your goals: Might sound obvious though only 10% of us do- remember to put it somewhere visible where you can read it everyday.
2. Phrase them in the Positive: ‘I want to walk each Saturday’, rather than ‘I want to stop lazing around the house at weekends’.
3. Make them Specific and contextualised: What exactly do you want to achieve and where?  Is it in a specific context like work or in any situation? E.g. ‘To lose 8Ibs by going to the gym twice a week.’
4.  Ensure they are Achievable:  How can the goal(s) be attained?  What skills or support do I need?
5. Make them time bound: When will you achieve this by?
6.  Get Sensory:  Create a vision of what you want to achieve in terms of what you will see, feel, hear, touch, taste as an end goal in 6 months or a year’s time. Write it in the present first person tense, as if you have already achieved it now.  Keep visualising what it would feel and be like to have this goal- do you still want it?  If no, make it more appealing or change your goal! As Stephen Covey said: ‘Begin with the end in mind’.

How to stick to your goals:

·         Set short, medium and long term goals: Include some goals that will bring quick results to give you some confidence to move forward with more challenging goals.  For example, going somewhere more adventurous on holiday or starting that French class.  Set one or two goals you could achieve in the next 6 months and one that is more challenging for the next 6-12 months.

·         Check Ecology: Make a list of all the obstacles that are currently stopping you or that you can forsee in the future.  E.g. In Sam’s case, the fear of being noticed by others, having to give up favourite foods, the time involved.  The look at ways of overcoming these- for instance, taking all the ‘bad’ foods out of the house or taking action to overcome your fears.

·         Get Leverage:  Once you’ve made a goal, ask yourself the following questions:

o   Is it within my control?

o   Why is it important that I achieve this goal?

o   What will I get if I achieve it?

o   What will it cost me if I don’t?

·         Get Support:

o   Online support: If you spend a lot of time online or are busy and like social networking, this could be good for you to have some accountability.  Try 43things.com, mysomeday.com and habitforge.com

o   Local Group: Teaming up with a group of people with the same aims is much more fun than doing it on your own.  For example, starting an art group or travel club.  Try meetup.com for existing groups in your area, or to start your own.

o   Mentor or peer support: A mentor such as a friend or colleague can act as someone who you can be accountable to, or share your ups and downs with.  They may be able to share your goal with you, for example, having a running buddy who can keep you motivated.

o   Life Coach: Having a professional who is objective and helps to motivate you when you’ve already made a commitment to a goal can be really valuable.  It needs to be someone who you can trust and build a good relationship with- ensure to ask them what their experience has been with other clients, do they have testimonials of previous successes?

·         Adjust goals: Don’t be afraid to move the goal posts (pun intended) if you need to.  Having flexibility in your goal setting is essential and enables you to be clear on what you do really want.  For example, I may want to go to the gym three times a week though if I find that boring and I want to do something else, I can change my goal to go swimming or running instead.  Take responsibility for being your own change maker and don’t be scared to dream big. Ask yourself, ‘if I knew I was going to be successful what would I be doing with my life?’  According to Brian Tracy, ‘An average person with average talent, ambition and education, can outstrip the most brilliant genius in our society, if that person has clear, focused goals.’ 

·          Take action daily: Ask yourself each day ‘what’s one thing I can do to move me forward with my goal today?’  It might be to walk a different route to work or replace the chocolate bar on your break with some fruit.  You need to make goals into daily habits, otherwise they won’t stick.  Setting mini goals for yourself will also give you the motivation and confidence to move forward with the bigger goals and help create momentum. Make your goals daily actions and you will see long term results!