Steps Towards Greater Happiness: Step 1: Learn what you want

 "Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence” Aristotle

‘Curiosity killed the cat’ we’ve been told- often avoiding looking at our selves and just carrying on our own sweet way seems easier. Have you ever stopped to question, ‘is this what I really want out of life’?  Most of us cheat ourselves of a happy or more content existence than is possible and then blame others or situations for not pursuing our joy.  How curious are you about what lies beyond your present life; how interested are you in yourself?

We often identify ourselves with labels such as ‘wife’, ‘mother’, ‘executive’ though forget or neglect ourselves as a person and our true essence.  What is it that you enjoy, aspire to be or do in life this year or next- are you happy, I mean really?  These are all quite ‘bigger picture’ questions so don’t allow me to overwhelm you though just pause  for a moment and write down a list of what it is that makes you happy. Don’t analyse or edit, just flow with whatever comes to mind and don’t stop until you run out of ideas.  

Next, tick those that are already included in your life to whatever extent then look at what’s left.  What is it that you’re not doing or putting off?  Is there something on that list you could try this week or at least this month?  If it involves others such as friends then call them up- don’t delay!  If it is an activity you can do alone then book it in your diary as an appointment with yourself. I often suggest this to clients then at least you are making an agreement with yourself to do it. 

Another way of doing this is to look at yourself through the eyes of a four year old child and focus on the person you are and what you like. Rediscovering hidden parts of yourself is the key to creating your ideal life.  Connecting with that four year old child and allowing that fun part to come forward and tell you what makes him or her happy.  

How often do you talk about ‘having’ to do something or that I ‘should’ or ‘must’ do that? How often do you use the word ‘but’ (“I really want to go walking with you, ‘but’ I don’t really have time”?) These are all excuses and ways of sabotaging or compromising yourself and your happiness. Compromise can then become a way of life if we allow it to be. 

Engage that four year old child for a minute and tune more into what has made you happy in the past and what you value.  What has been the peak experiences of your life so far? What was it about each memory that was important or happy to you?  What did you used to enjoy as a child? Sometimes looking that far back can help us rediscover our joy as an adult.  Write another list and compare it to the first one- is there any similarities? Each of our decisions connects with values that are important to you and what steers your life. Be more interested in what matters to you.

Until you know what you want or who you are, you are a bit like a boat without a set course, just drifting around in a vast ocean. We need to be flexible though also have clear aims in life.  Now, before you put yourself off, make that decision to focus your life and make that next step to change. Next week I will be focusing on how to create your ideal life.

Tips for Allowing more Fun in your Life

“Man consists of two parts, mind and body, only the body has more fun”.  Woody Allen

What does ‘fun’ mean to you?  For many of us it is a reward for working hard or a way of releasing stress, often involving a delay in gratification.  We have different words for it though how many of us have enough fun?

When asked on a training course recently what my key values were in life, fun came up on my top ten.  I then had to question whether I was really living this value in my everyday life.  There were moments in my personal life and in my work where I allowed myself to be playful and spontaneous, though on further reflection, I realised I don't give myself enough opportunity to have fun, and limit my enjoyment in the process.  

A lot of us can allow either our limited conditioning, circumstances (lack of money, poor family/personal relationships) or bad habits restrict our sense of fun.  We might tell ourselves that we need to get the chores done or write that report first and result in rationing our fun to special occasions like a big night out or a birthday party.  Sometimes being an adult and ‘responsible’ in our work and relationships means we can constrain that emotional, child part of us that also needs nurturing.  Often how we learn to have fun or play is taught at a very young age and if it was encouraged or inhibited can create our rules on fun in later life. Though as Katherine Hepburn said: “If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.”

Tips for allowing more fun:

 1.    Define for yourself what “playing” and "fun" mean to you. Make a list of all the fun things you used to do as a child and compare it to the things you do now. Are there any you could bring into your life now?  How do you have fun now and what is it about those things that is important to you?  Are you able to have fun with friends and family and not on your own or vice versa? Learn to redefine what fun means to you and allow yourself to move the goalposts if necessary.

  

2.    Write down all your excuses for not having fun or ‘fun blockers’. Start with writing at the top of the page: ‘I choose to allow myself to have fun, but..’, then spend a few minutes writing a list of bullet points of things that come to mind.  It might also bring up unconscious beliefs that you weren’t aware of such as ‘mum will disapprove’, or ‘I feel guilty’.  Once you’ve done it work on challenging them- how helpful or valid are they for you in your life at present?  

  

3.   Model people who are good at having fun.  Ask them ‘how do they do that?’- what are their beliefs or attitudes around play and fun and how can you learn from them?  Observe children and how they allow themselves to be spontaneous and playful- they are our greatest teachers for having fun.

  

4.    Allow yourself to experiment with different ways of having fun. Make a list of different fun activities (including things you’ve never done before) such as trying rock climbing, painting or going to the cinema.  Don’t edit yourself based on them being childish or a ‘waste of time’- be prepared to let go of old modes of thinking and behaving.  Action at least one thing on your list a week and don’t restrict yourself to weekends or when you have ‘deserved’ it- just do it!

  

5.    Do something new or different each day and break your routine habits. For instance, trying a new filling in your sandwich, walking a different way to work or visiting an art gallery in your lunchtime.  Reflect at the end of your day on how much fun you have had- what could you have done differently that would have enhanced your day?

  

6.    Discover what makes you laugh. The therapeutic benefits of laughter are proven though how many of us laugh every day? Try watching one funny film or comedy a week, go to a comedy club or look up funny sites on the internet. If you are finding it difficult, think about things that have made you laugh in the past or a humourous story and remember why you found it funny.

  

7.    Finally, be alert for any opportunities to have fun through the day on your own and with others. Affirm to yourself regularly you’re right to have fun and be aware of your inner critic blocking or sabotaging you.  Stretching yourself a little each day eventually expands your comfort zone of fun.  And remember, as Dr Seuss said, “fun is good.”

How to enjoy being Alone

“Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.”

Paul Tillich

A client who’d recently separated from her partner asked me the other day: “how do you do being alone, I just don’t know how?”  We are told that being ‘alone’ is different from being ‘lonely’ though for some the two can be intertwined.  We use music, Facebook, anything to ‘avoid the void’ of feeling lonely and distract ourselves from experiencing fear.  At the same time, we often crave solitude in a world that’s switched on 24/7.  It can be a challenge to slow down and just ‘be’ with ourselves.

We are indeed social animals and accordingly seek out others to spend time with;  ‘No man is an island’ as John Donne famously said.  The illusion of ‘needing’ people runs deep in society, as does the belief that being alone equals being unhappy and isolated.

Thomas Moore, author of Care of the Soul, says, "We seem to have a complex about busyness in our culture. Most of us do have time in our days that we could devote to simple relaxation, but we convince ourselves that we don't." It seems there is always something that needs doing, always someone who needs our attention. "Unfortunately," Moore says, "we don't get a lot of support in this culture for doing nothing. If we aren't accomplishing something, we feel that we're wasting time."

Being alone in solitude allows clarity and creativity. "We live in an extremely externalized culture," Moore says. "We are constantly pulled outside ourselves—by other people, by the media, by the demands of daily life. Nothing in our culture or in our education teaches us how to go inward, how to steady the mind and calm our attention. As a consequence, we tend to devote very little time to the life of the soul, the life of the spirit."

Tips for embracing solitude:

Go on a date with yourself: Start with a small with an activity that you would normally do with another person such as going out to dinner or to the cinema.  Go into it with an open and positive mind and be curious- how different/enjoyable is the experience when doing it alone?  My favourite time for being alone is outside in nature, free from the distractions of my phone and laptop.  Solitude and isolation do not go hand in hand. We can retreat from the world for a time without being renounced by it. 

Try something new: Being with another person may help life feel safer though we can also end up avoiding trying new things and experiences and life can become stale and predictable.  What have you been putting off in your life that you haven’t done or tried yet? Make a list of at least ten things and then create an action plan of when you’re going to start them.  If it is something that involves some planning like going travelling or writing a book, chunk down the process into smaller steps. Then, take action!
 

Learn to connect with yourself: Of course, “It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself." Most of us are too busy trying to avoid feeling alone and staying focused on the external world, which results in us neglecting our internal state-our mind and emotions.  Taking time out to reflect on what you feel is positive use of ‘alone time’ and enables you to check out whether you are meeting your own needs as well as others.  Get to know and make friends with yourself.  Start with just 5 mins at the end of the day to reflect on how you have felt through the day and what has been good can help promote positive feelings and also get you more attuned with yourself.

 

Learn to switch off: Staying connected to others, technology and the world for too long can be draining and lead to stress and fatigue.  Ensuring you have time out to yourself is important in order to recoup your energies and maintain good boundaries in your relationships.  If you find this difficult with certain people in your life, ask yourself ‘What is it about this person or relationship that I can’t allow myself space for myself?’ Are you being a pleaser or scared of how they might react if you decide to have time to yourself?

 

Reach out to others: Learning when you need time to be alone and time to connect with other people is important to avoid feeling isolated.  Experiencing a relationship break up or bereavement for example can leave you feeling distant from others and the world.  Learning ways of gradually reconnecting with the world again is important.  Trying something like joining an online community forum, support group or taking up an evening class can be a good start to enable you to feel a part of the world again.

 

We need to balance the pace and intensity of modern life with periods of what poet May Sarton has called "open time, with no obligations except toward the inner world and what is going on there." Alone—in moments of prayer or meditation, or simply in stillness—we breathe more deeply, see more fully, hear more keenly. We notice more, and in the process, we return to what is sacred.  

Ready, Set, Goal

How to start a new resolution.

Christmas has been and gone and suddenly we’re in 2012; New Year being that time to reflect on what has gone and make resolutions for the year ahead. Never mind that they were the same goals for the previous year or two, this year is going to be different, right?  You may be the exception, though most of us although well intentioned at the start of the year, fall short after the first obstacle comes along.  In fact, only 5% of us see them through, a bit like me trying to give up chocolate- it was never going to happen!  

What makes the difference with the 5% that do fulfil their aims, do they have extraordinary willpower or is it that they are just better at taking action? If you have failed to follow through on your goals in the past, it will give you little faith in the power of goal setting and your own motivation.  This can also run parallel to experiencing a fear of failure or even success (yes success!); if I do achieve that, what will it mean to me or to others?  Most of us are scared of change and getting out of our comfort zone.  Excuses can be a shield to keep us feeling ‘safe’, even if they keep us stuck, it is familiar territory.  

Sam, a client of mine came to see me wanted to lose a stone in weight.  Although she had lost 3 stone in the past, she was worried about how much attention she would get from others and wanted to remain ‘invisible’.  Getting to the root of the issue- her fear and self esteem issues, she was able to begin making the changes in her life that enabled her to begin losing the weight.  Asking yourself the right questions can also prevent you from going into the trap of staying in your comfort zone as well as ensuring they are realistic and not just lofty aspirations.

Tips to create Goals that are motivating:

1. Write down your goals: Might sound obvious though only 10% of us do- remember to put it somewhere visible where you can read it everyday.
2. Phrase them in the Positive: ‘I want to walk each Saturday’, rather than ‘I want to stop lazing around the house at weekends’.
3. Make them Specific and contextualised: What exactly do you want to achieve and where?  Is it in a specific context like work or in any situation? E.g. ‘To lose 8Ibs by going to the gym twice a week.’
4.  Ensure they are Achievable:  How can the goal(s) be attained?  What skills or support do I need?
5. Make them time bound: When will you achieve this by?
6.  Get Sensory:  Create a vision of what you want to achieve in terms of what you will see, feel, hear, touch, taste as an end goal in 6 months or a year’s time. Write it in the present first person tense, as if you have already achieved it now.  Keep visualising what it would feel and be like to have this goal- do you still want it?  If no, make it more appealing or change your goal! As Stephen Covey said: ‘Begin with the end in mind’.

How to stick to your goals:

·         Set short, medium and long term goals: Include some goals that will bring quick results to give you some confidence to move forward with more challenging goals.  For example, going somewhere more adventurous on holiday or starting that French class.  Set one or two goals you could achieve in the next 6 months and one that is more challenging for the next 6-12 months.

·         Check Ecology: Make a list of all the obstacles that are currently stopping you or that you can forsee in the future.  E.g. In Sam’s case, the fear of being noticed by others, having to give up favourite foods, the time involved.  The look at ways of overcoming these- for instance, taking all the ‘bad’ foods out of the house or taking action to overcome your fears.

·         Get Leverage:  Once you’ve made a goal, ask yourself the following questions:

o   Is it within my control?

o   Why is it important that I achieve this goal?

o   What will I get if I achieve it?

o   What will it cost me if I don’t?

·         Get Support:

o   Online support: If you spend a lot of time online or are busy and like social networking, this could be good for you to have some accountability.  Try 43things.com, mysomeday.com and habitforge.com

o   Local Group: Teaming up with a group of people with the same aims is much more fun than doing it on your own.  For example, starting an art group or travel club.  Try meetup.com for existing groups in your area, or to start your own.

o   Mentor or peer support: A mentor such as a friend or colleague can act as someone who you can be accountable to, or share your ups and downs with.  They may be able to share your goal with you, for example, having a running buddy who can keep you motivated.

o   Life Coach: Having a professional who is objective and helps to motivate you when you’ve already made a commitment to a goal can be really valuable.  It needs to be someone who you can trust and build a good relationship with- ensure to ask them what their experience has been with other clients, do they have testimonials of previous successes?

·         Adjust goals: Don’t be afraid to move the goal posts (pun intended) if you need to.  Having flexibility in your goal setting is essential and enables you to be clear on what you do really want.  For example, I may want to go to the gym three times a week though if I find that boring and I want to do something else, I can change my goal to go swimming or running instead.  Take responsibility for being your own change maker and don’t be scared to dream big. Ask yourself, ‘if I knew I was going to be successful what would I be doing with my life?’  According to Brian Tracy, ‘An average person with average talent, ambition and education, can outstrip the most brilliant genius in our society, if that person has clear, focused goals.’ 

·          Take action daily: Ask yourself each day ‘what’s one thing I can do to move me forward with my goal today?’  It might be to walk a different route to work or replace the chocolate bar on your break with some fruit.  You need to make goals into daily habits, otherwise they won’t stick.  Setting mini goals for yourself will also give you the motivation and confidence to move forward with the bigger goals and help create momentum. Make your goals daily actions and you will see long term results!