Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label happiness. Show all posts

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

5 Creative ways to overcome your Anxiety


“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Wayne Dyer


According to research, Anxiety disorders affect more than 3 million of us in the UK alone.  That is apart from those individuals who suffer from some kind of mild anxiety who haven’t sought treatment or advice from a health professional.  Unfortunately, the numbers of those diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder are only set to rise.

Anxiety can take many guises- for some it is triggered by specific situations like driving, or it may be a more generalized feeling of Anxiousness or worry which in normal circumstances you could cope with. If you feel you might be suffering from an Anxiety Disorder read this guide online for more information: http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/anxiety.asp

GP’s are often at a loss at how to treat those with Anxiety aside from prescribing Anti depressant or Anti Anxiolytic drugs like Beta Blockers that are often just a short term ‘fix’.  CBT is then recommended as a way of managing the Anxiety symptoms better which in my experience, can be very effective.  For a slightly different approach, here’s 5 creative ways to overcome your Anxiety immediately:

1.    Change the Anxious self talk: Rick Carson, author of ‘Taming your Gremlin’ says we all have an inner ‘gremlin’ that talks us down and makes us feel negative about ourselves and the world.  He suggests tackling it first of all by just being aware of that voice and learning to be more detached from it.  I’d suggest adding a dose of humour in there too as the best way to diffuse fear is usually to laugh at what makes us scared.  What kind of voice would you rather have- a comedian you like? Your best friend who makes you laugh?  Changing the associations with that negative voice might well help.

2.    Add a happy soundtrack: Often our mind not only tells us what could go wrong in a never ending audio loop.  Often it is great at ramping up the fear with visual images of our fears too.  When this happens, try picturing the image of the fear on the cinema screen and try playing the image with a happy/funny soundtrack to again mix up the fearful associations with amusing ones.  See how you feel…If your fear is more generalized, ask yourself ‘what’s the worst thing that could happen?’ and you’ll probably get an image or thought come up to work on.

3.    Neutralise the fear: Another way of diffusing fear is to use Cognitive Diffusion techniques which allow the mind to start neutralizing the connections to the Anxiety.  For example, the words ‘Anxiety’ and ‘Fear’ are often loaded with well a lot of negativity unsurprisingly!  Try using a neutral word like ‘orange’ or ‘banana’ instead when you feel that way. It might well make you smile!

4.    Let go of the Anxious identity: Through my experience of working with hundreds of clients with Anxiety over the years is that they have a strong sense of identity connected to being anxious.  ‘I’m an anxious person’ they say, ‘I’m always anxious’.  Telling their mind they are anxious is pretty much saying, ‘this is me, I can’t get over it’.  Pretty limiting wouldn’t you say?!  Whereas anxiety, like any other emotion is just a state we are experiencing at the time- like anger, sadness or happiness and doesn’t define who we are.  Next time you get a thought like that come up challenge it and see what it feels like!

5.    Create a pattern interrupt.  In a way, all the above are techniques for interrupting the patterns of anxiety and fearful thinking. Another one I like to use with children and adults alike is using a positive anchor word that you can use whenever you feel anxious to ‘break the state’.  Think about either what makes you feel happy or calm? Could it be playing football on a Sunday, seeing your friends, reading in bed?  Whatever it is, allow yourself to be immersed in the memory of doing this thing and get into the positive state and think of an anchor word.  Practise using that word whenever you start to feel anxious and keep reconnecting your mind to that feeling.  



Thursday, 7 August 2014

Top 5 things you need to know to survive being a working parent



As Sheryl Sandberg says: ‘..there’s no such thing as work life balance. There’s work and there’s life and there’s no balance.’  Work-life Balance’ can feel like an elusive ideal we should be aspiring for and yet feel we never quite achieve.  What with trying to ‘balance’ meetings at work, school runs, housework and then fit in some downtime and exercise (if you’re lucky), it can feel like a constant juggling act as a parent.


As a working parent myself to a 3-month old, I know how difficult it is trying to balance everything including a career, whilst trying to remain fully functioning and happy.  With increasing pressures on parents to maintain a good career to provide a nice lifestyle for their family and deal with the financial pressures this brings, it is no wonder Stress, Depression and Anxiety disorders are on the rise. Essentially, parents are often trying to cope with two full time jobs- the one that pays the bills and looking after the kids.


That aside, there are some things that parents often forget in the midst of the juggling act that make life that bit easier:


1.    Create a support Network outside the family

Being a working parent can be isolating and it’s important to gain external support.  Even if your social life has dwindled, ensure that you make time to speak to friends, on the phone or face to face (Facebook as a last resort!). I ensure I see at least one friend a week for a coffee or lunch to keep in touch. If you want to combine it with doing some exercise all the better! Online support can also be of benefit as well, especially to connect with other parents who may be going through similar issues. Try http://www.familylives.org.uk/ or http://www.netmums.com/ to find parenting forums or support groups.


2.    Create clear, flexible priorities

When you’ve got a demanding career and an active family life, you can often feel torn between your priorities and overwhelmed at trying to achieve too much at once. Having a more flexible approach can enable you to gain more sense of control over your life balance and move away from this constant state of stress.  One strategy for doing this is to list at the end or beginning of each week what your priorities are and look at what you can defer, delegate or delete from that list. Then set 2-3 clear goals for the week and put the other small goals that take a few minutes like phone calls in a ‘batch list’ and blitz these when you have some time though prioritise achieving the main goals first.


3.    Accept your limitations and what is ‘good enough’

Get out of the mindset of trying to be the perfect parent and start feeling ‘good enough’.  Deciding to keep a career going whilst being a parent inevitably means sacrifices have to be made on time spent with children. This doesn’t mean you have to then compensate with giving things, which is what parents often do to dispel their guilt.  Just accept the decisions you have made and then focus on making the time you do spend with your kids’ count- quality time matters more than anything.  Also accept your limitations and challenge your ‘ill be happy when…’ mentality as that only leads to severe dissatisfaction. Now is where you are.


4.    Find ways of being more present

Leading on from that, start exploring ways of being more in the moment.  I am sure you’ve already heard of ‘mindfulness’ if you haven’t dabbled in the practice already.  Having a ‘beginners mind’ is a Zen Buddhist practice, which essentially means being open and seeing things afresh like a curious child.  I rather like this idea as it involves getting out of your existing rut and habitual patterns and jumping into a new frame of wonderment and excitement. Ask yourself, if I had a beginners mind, how would I see my situation differently and what would I be telling myself?  Try a mindfulness practice for yourself and download the headspace app: https://www.headspace.com/ Having children also gives you an ample excuse to let the inner child out to play every now and then!


5.    Book appointments with yourself.

This might sound a bit desperate needing to set meetings with yourself though I’ve done this for myself as well as with clients and it really does work.  Think about it, would you ignore an important meeting in your diary? Not likely though often parents neglect their own needs and can end up feeling trapped in their responsibilities.  I teach all my clients about ‘enlightened self interest’, which is about prioritising your own wellbeing with the view that if you’re healthy and happy, you’ll be able to deliver your best to others. Being flexible in your priorities also means you can sometimes make space for yourself without feeling guilty and still be a good parent.  So book that spa day now!






Saturday, 1 February 2014

Make your Marriage Last from the Start

 

Have noticed the appearance and increase in the idea of pre-wedding counselling or preparation recently?  You might have thought that couple counselling is only for couples who have problems. Alternatively you may be riding the crest of a loving wave happily preparing to spend the rest of your life with your beloved. However it is worth taking a closer look at pre-marriage Counselling.

Couples now have to contend with increasing demands that can affect their relationship such as balancing dual careers, childcare, finances and friends. Within this context it is not surprising that many couples that start off with positive intent can find themselves getting into bad habits and stuck patterns that can eat away at the relationship and become harder to fix when more entrenched. Added to this is a lack of traditional support as families live further away and Iead increasingly disparate lives. It is a sad fact that half of marriages end in divorce and it is estimated that only half of those that survive are happy ones. Although statistics on civil partnerships are less readily known early indications unfortunately suggest it is just as difficult to make these work. 


Pre wedding counselling acknowledges the reality of the challenges couples face in making their relationship work. Indeed a good skills based approach has been shown the reduce the chances of divorce by as much as 30% and lead to a happier marriage. It can also help which pre wedding stress. Therefore, it would appear that the idea of pre wedding or civil ceremony counselling might be worth considering to give your relationship the best chance of success.  After all it is one of the most important events in your life. Pre wedding counselling is available at Lotus Therapeutics with a qualified and registered Family Therapist who will get to know you as a couple including your strengths and limitations. You will then be offered a skills based approach to help supplement your existing strengths and help to prepare you for whatever life has to throw at you. 


Lotus also has Couple Counselling service for established couples who are either experiencing difficulties or also want to give their marriage a greater chance of success.




Monday, 20 January 2014

Coping with Endings- a Reflection


Coming into the New year we tend to focus on new beginnings and goals- wanting to lose weight, getting that job promotion.  Often we struggle however, to come to terms with unresolved endings from the previous year(s).   Instead of allowing ourselves the space to process our emotions, we often put our psychological baggage to one side and carry on regardless.  I often describe this denial state as a bit like adding logs to a fast flowing stream- eventually it creates a large dam and our ability to feel balanced and ‘flow’ with life gets inhibited.  Allow this to happen for long enough and you’ve got a very strong pressure to contend with!

We can all be guilty of just breezing though painful experiences like divorce or redundancy and not really acknowledging the impact on us at the time.  Or, on the other hand, we may allow ourselves to drown in the pain of loss and not be able to move forward or let go. 

Letting go isn’t easy.  I myself am currently processing a a lot of changes, mostly positive though equally unsettling- moving house (twice), starting another business and am about to welcome the arrival of my first child.  Initially, this sparked off a lot of fear as I’ve had to surrender to the fact that my life will never be the same, and nor will I.  As Anais Nin said: ‘Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.  Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.  This is a kind of death.’  Embracing endings is like stepping out of the chrysalis and into the light so we can stretch ourselves and live a deeper, more fulfilling life. This can be terrifying.

The temptation to resist out of fear can be strong though, as can the sense of wanting justice or consolation for our loss or pain.  What this only achieves is more pain and frustration for ourselves, which only disempowers us further.  Because change often happens organically, we are inevitably forced to take action at some point- write that letter, sign those divorce papers. Once we have taken ownership and control of the ending (as much as possible), we then allow space for new energy and create ground for those beginnings to flourish.   

This year, I encourage you to join me in my goal to ‘let go and live’ more fully in the present, not allowing the past to pull you backwards.  More simply, allow a bit of space to just be with your thoughts and feelings each day and practice surrendering to them, rather than judging or denying your experiences.  See how differently you feel doing this for a few weeks.  For inspiration on being more present, try reading Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Thich Nhat Hanh.






Thursday, 25 July 2013

How your Eyes are the Key to Releasing your Past




“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”  Wayne Dyer


In the film, Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind, lovers Joel and Clementine (Jim Carey and Kate Winslet) try and erase their memories of each other following a fight.  As you watch the film in reverse, you witness the memories through the perspective of Joel’s unconscious mind as they are erased.  A lot of us might identify with wanting that ‘quick fix’ to dissolve the pain of our past or to get over a distressing ending in our lives.  Trauma does need time to process though being able to quickly detach from past memories and emotional pain is no longer the stuff of movies. 

A new form of treatment “Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing” (EMDR) developed by Francine Shapiro in the 1980’s has been shown to effectively help sufferers of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as other Anxiety, phobia and Mood disorders. The effectiveness of EMDR Therapy has been well established as the result of more than 20 randomized controlled studies. The idea of this therapy is to recall the experiences in a safe, comfortable environment, and this helps the individual to realise that they are no longer under threat, which reduces their anxiety and stress.

A Typical EMDR procedure:

1.   The therapist will discuss any expectations with you and what you want to achieve through the treatment. This is often to ensure that desires are realistic and they know how it can benefit them.

2.   The therapist then explains how the procedure will be carried out, and if you give consent, they will begin.

3.   First you are taught a simple breathing exercise to help with anxiety – facing your fears can be very stressful, and it’s important that they is calm and relaxed. A typical breathing exercise here is to breathe in through nose for 7 seconds, and out through the mouth for 11 seconds – this combination is known to trigger neurons in the brain associated with peace and relaxation.

4.   They begin; the therapist moves their finger in front of your eyes, continuing to do so, and you will find that their eyes naturally follow it, and that you get into the rhythm. 

5.   The therapist will then gently ask a question, such as “What was your first experience of ___?” or “How did you react to ____?” to get to the first memory to process. Of course, if they are not comfortable enough to answer, the therapist will not persist and the EMDR will continue regardless.

6.   The therapist then begins processing the memory and asks what you notice on each set of taps or eye movements every 15-30 second intervals. You will typically experience a change in the memories and feelings as the process continues and you feel more relaxed. I describe it as being on a train where the scenery changes but not getting off at any stop. 

7.   Towards the end of the therapy, you will be asked to visualise leaving through a doorway – this symbolises the end of an experience, leaving the memories and the pain behind. 

8.   Once the EMDR is finished, you will do more calming breathing exercises, and you will discuss with the therapist how you felt. Typically, treatment needed is between 2-4 sessions depending on the issue.

There are many variations of the EMDR procedure, including simple eye movements, watching an LED light travel and flash, listening to tones and many more.

Although EMDR is a budding, young method of therapy, it has been shown as very effective and more recent research has shown it to be helpful to sufferers of many things; eating disorders, addictions, OCD, panic attacks and anxiety. It is a safe therapy with no side effects.


Alexandra Bacon is an experienced EMDR Therapist based in the East Midlands. 

Sunday, 24 February 2013

How Lying & Keeping Secrets Affects our Health


“The most common lie is that which one lies to himself; lying to others is relatively an exception” – Friedrich Nietzsche.

There are many reasons why a person might start to tell lies. It may be that they have something to gain from it, or that they are protecting someone who might be hurt by the truth- or, that they are ashamed or feel guilty about something.  They may not want to worry those around them if the truth turns out to be negative, such as finding out the results of hospital tests for example.  Alternatively, it could be a white lie, such as “I am too tired to go out tonight" to avoid conflict or please others.
According to Harvard psychologist William Pollack, Ph.D, telling lies and keeping secrets can actually be bad for your health. Of course, we all know that certain lies need to be told and certain secrets must be kept. We just have to make sure we know when to lie or when to tell the truth.
When to do which

Tell the truth if:
·      Someone asks you outright – if you lie to someone directly, chances are that if they find out you will have damaged the trust within that relationship. Your friend, relative or partner will always remember it and never be sure whether you’re telling the truth or not in the future.
·      It’s making you tense and anxious – If you’re keeping a secret or have begun to tell lies and it’s making you nervous, tense and wound up, it’s better to come clean and put yourself (and everyone around you) out of their misery.
·      The situation isn’t too bad yet – If you can see things getting worse it’s good to come clean, especially if you think there might be ways to solve the problem or solutions that can be thought of behind the reason you lied/kept a secret.
Keep the secret or continue lying if:
·      It’s not your secret – Telling someone else’s secret might lead to gossip as well as breaking that person’s trust. Also, that person might have decided they want to sort it out themselves, and so you will shame them by getting there first. If it’s not your business it’s better not to trouble with it and support their decision in whether or not to tell.
·      You intend to tell it within days – Sometimes “Now just isn’t the right time”, and that’s okay. These things are better dealt with if everyone is in a good mood and ready to talk deeply about an issue.
So How do Lies and Secrets Affect my Health?
1.    Telling lies or keeping secrets is prone to making you anxious and on edge. Having something on your mind all the time isn’t good for you, especially if it’s linked to danger, e.g. someone finding out and exposing you, or the worry of others getting hurt etc. This makes us begin a “fight or flight” response, in which adrenaline is constantly in our bodies, which can be damaging long term and cause illnesses such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).
2.    Telling lies or keeping secrets distract you from your daily routine – you are more likely to make mistakes, forget things, and make physical activities seem more difficult.
3.    Sometimes the secret itself is something you should be talking about. Having a “Big secret” can be very taxing if you have no one you feel you can tell, and therefore are not getting the appropriate support from family and friends. If you need someone to talk to but feel you have nowhere to turn, you might be better off talking to a therapist, calling a helpline such as the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90,  or asking for help on an internet forum.

Try and do what’s best for yourself and the people you love. This might involve making a difficult choice or coming clean about something.  Whether you choose to lie or tell the truth, keep the secret or reveal it, think about whether or not it is justified, and if the good consequences outweigh the bad.
 

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

How to Stay Resolute this Year


“How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them” – Benjamin Franklin

Change can sometimes be very daunting, especially when it comes to sticking to a resolution you have decided upon yourself. We don’t always adjust well to change, and it can be challenging and stressful to keep up willpower or reach targets we set ourselves. It can also be very distressing when we fail, so here we offer all the help we can to assist your achievement, and give advice on what to do when things don’t quite go to plan…

Top Four resolutions (source: University of Washington):
-          Increase exercise
-          Be more conscientious about work or school
-          Develop better eating habits
-          Stop smoking, drinking, or using drugs (including caffeine)

Tips for Sticking to your Goals:

Be Realistic – When setting yourself a resolution, you have to be realistic. You are only human, and trying to achieve something completely out of reach will no doubt put you under a lot of stress and even affect your esteem. Start small if you can, and increase your targets if all goes well! It is great to dream and have a vision of where you want to be eventually, but break it down; goal at 3 months, goal at six months, at nine, and finally at a year.

Reward Yourself – Positive reinforcement, the giving of rewards when things go well, will encourage you to succeed time and time again, and makes it easier on you to accept the changes you are undergoing.
DO NOT punish yourself – this can have a negative effect and make you feel like a failure. Learn to forgive yourself. 

Talk to Others – Getting support and encouragement from those around you can greatly improve your success with a resolution. They might even join in, which can increase your performance – e.g. going for a morning run twice a week, or cutting down on how much you smoke. Chances are others will want these changes too, and so you can support and motivate each other.

Track Your Progress – Keep an eye on how you’re doing. This can increase your motivation, as you’ll see how well you’re doing, or which areas you need to improve. It is important to do this so that your progress and the changes you are going through are clearly set out in your mind.

Good luck, and stay positive. This isn’t the be all and end all of making the changes that you want in life. A new year is a fresh start in many ways, not just resolutions. And if you’re having trouble thinking of resolutions, look back over last year and think of things you might want to have changed or done differently if you had the opportunity. Don’t regret what’s in the past – use it to create yourself a better future.

A useful website in which you can select a resolution and track your progress:
https://www.resolutions.change4life.co.uk/