Tips for Breaking the Worry Cycle

“Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” - Henry David Thoreau

Worry can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. Your kids haven’t been abducted, you’re happily married and a month ahead on the rent – so what’s the problem? Why can’t we stop worrying?

We worry about everything and nothing. Most worriers are aware that there is no logic in the act of worrying – it is shutting it off which proves to be the problem! And it can be exhausting.

Dr. Walter Cavert did a study of the things we worry about. He discovered that:


40 % of the things we worry about never happen,

30 % of our worries concern the past,
12 % of our worries are needless worries about our health,
10 % of our worries are insignificant or petty (things that will really not make much of a difference in our lives one way or another).

We have spent 92 % of our emotional energies over things that won’t happen or things we can’t change.
 

Identifying why you worry is a suitable starting point to dealing with this cycle. For some it might be physical; they have had too much sugar or caffeine (it is surprising how much of a difference this can make!) or they haven’t worked out at the gym in a while and feel a bit restless. Or it could be mental, like stress or dysfunctional thought patterns.

Getting to the root of the worry is essential in breaking the worry cycle. Find out what is triggering the anxieties, and avoid those triggers. But how do we figure out what they are? The problem is, worries don’t always have a reason. It could simply be the fact that everything is going so well which makes a person nervous as they are expecting it to change! Sometimes, worrying about something can be reassuring, as if it might solve the problem when the problem isn’t even there yet. Confused? Us too.

The trick is: Just sit back and relax. Take a minute to laugh at yourself – worrying about things that don’t exist or running too many 'what if' thoughts? Try mixing up the associations with the worry- imagine it being like a movie or a comic strip where you can put a funny soundtrack to it or canned laughter. Do whatever makes it light hearted or silly and see what happens!

Avoid the caffeine if you can. It’ll increase your awareness and that fretful part of your brain will be kicked into overdrive.

Try and figure out if you can take any action against what’s worrying you. Chances are it’s something so miniscule and irrelevant that when you moan about it to someone, they’ll tell you to “find some real problems”. But if there really is something, you DO have a bill due soon – think about ways in which you can deal with that. And if it’s all under control and you worry anyway? STOP. Cue the laughter. 

A useful process to follow is to write down all your ‘worries’ and write down all possible solutions to each problem.  Don’t analyse, just brainstorm. Then go back and assess which ones are the best and the pros and cons of each.  Next, decide on the most practical solution.  This helps engage the rational side of your brain and enables you to see the worry from another perspective.  If you struggle with this exercise, think about what advice you would give a friend if they had the same issue, or ask another for some ideas for solutions.  Lastly, ask yourself what is the first step to changing this? Take action and remember to review your progress. 

Life is too short. Kick back, put your feet up, and enjoy the ride. Worrying will get you nowhere and it won’t allow you to have fun. Relax and take some time to think about what’s good in your life. Break the cycle today.

Greater Steps Towards Happiness Step 6: Change Your Tune

A lot of people act as if happiness is a state of mind that happens ‘to them’ or is out of their control, rather like falling in love. The belief that being happy is dependent on certain external circumstances or people also makes happiness often feel out of reach and something we have to strive for.

Viktor Frankl, a survivor from Auschwitz has the view that, “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.”  He realised that despite being in such an awful situation, he still had the choice to find meaning and peace of mind and wouldn’t allow this final right to be denied.

We so often cheat ourselves of the right to choose our state in any given time and run the same inner dialogue about ‘ill be happy when..’  or ‘I don’t deserve...’ rather than being present with our experience. We may also blame or project what we see as our lack of happiness onto others or circumstances, rather than taking responsibility for how we feel.  Gain awareness of what patterns of your limiting thoughts by keeping a diary for a week or two; then notice how they are influencing your state and challenge their validity- are they really true? 

Holding onto unhelpful thoughts may help justify to ourselves or others why we don’t feel happy just yet or why we are so stuck.  Ask yourself: ‘what’s stopping me from letting this negative thought go?’  It is rather like staying tuned into a Radio station that is feeding you depressing songs over and over again- you want to change the station though somehow, you are so used to it so you keep listening.  Realising it is a choice how we feel and moving our thoughts in a different direction allows a more positive state change.

Practice switching your thoughts onto what is positive in your life and reframing what your experience is: For example, ‘It was great that most of my friends remembered my birthday’, rather than, ‘I’m so upset that so and so didn’t remember, she always does.’  Trying something a bit radical that changes your state like juggling or Laughter Yoga might also help you get in touch with your playful side- don't be afraid to experiment!

Steps Towards Greater Happiness: Step 1: Learn what you want

 "Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence” Aristotle

‘Curiosity killed the cat’ we’ve been told- often avoiding looking at our selves and just carrying on our own sweet way seems easier. Have you ever stopped to question, ‘is this what I really want out of life’?  Most of us cheat ourselves of a happy or more content existence than is possible and then blame others or situations for not pursuing our joy.  How curious are you about what lies beyond your present life; how interested are you in yourself?

We often identify ourselves with labels such as ‘wife’, ‘mother’, ‘executive’ though forget or neglect ourselves as a person and our true essence.  What is it that you enjoy, aspire to be or do in life this year or next- are you happy, I mean really?  These are all quite ‘bigger picture’ questions so don’t allow me to overwhelm you though just pause  for a moment and write down a list of what it is that makes you happy. Don’t analyse or edit, just flow with whatever comes to mind and don’t stop until you run out of ideas.  

Next, tick those that are already included in your life to whatever extent then look at what’s left.  What is it that you’re not doing or putting off?  Is there something on that list you could try this week or at least this month?  If it involves others such as friends then call them up- don’t delay!  If it is an activity you can do alone then book it in your diary as an appointment with yourself. I often suggest this to clients then at least you are making an agreement with yourself to do it. 

Another way of doing this is to look at yourself through the eyes of a four year old child and focus on the person you are and what you like. Rediscovering hidden parts of yourself is the key to creating your ideal life.  Connecting with that four year old child and allowing that fun part to come forward and tell you what makes him or her happy.  

How often do you talk about ‘having’ to do something or that I ‘should’ or ‘must’ do that? How often do you use the word ‘but’ (“I really want to go walking with you, ‘but’ I don’t really have time”?) These are all excuses and ways of sabotaging or compromising yourself and your happiness. Compromise can then become a way of life if we allow it to be. 

Engage that four year old child for a minute and tune more into what has made you happy in the past and what you value.  What has been the peak experiences of your life so far? What was it about each memory that was important or happy to you?  What did you used to enjoy as a child? Sometimes looking that far back can help us rediscover our joy as an adult.  Write another list and compare it to the first one- is there any similarities? Each of our decisions connects with values that are important to you and what steers your life. Be more interested in what matters to you.

Until you know what you want or who you are, you are a bit like a boat without a set course, just drifting around in a vast ocean. We need to be flexible though also have clear aims in life.  Now, before you put yourself off, make that decision to focus your life and make that next step to change. Next week I will be focusing on how to create your ideal life.

Tips for Allowing more Fun in your Life

“Man consists of two parts, mind and body, only the body has more fun”.  Woody Allen

What does ‘fun’ mean to you?  For many of us it is a reward for working hard or a way of releasing stress, often involving a delay in gratification.  We have different words for it though how many of us have enough fun?

When asked on a training course recently what my key values were in life, fun came up on my top ten.  I then had to question whether I was really living this value in my everyday life.  There were moments in my personal life and in my work where I allowed myself to be playful and spontaneous, though on further reflection, I realised I don't give myself enough opportunity to have fun, and limit my enjoyment in the process.  

A lot of us can allow either our limited conditioning, circumstances (lack of money, poor family/personal relationships) or bad habits restrict our sense of fun.  We might tell ourselves that we need to get the chores done or write that report first and result in rationing our fun to special occasions like a big night out or a birthday party.  Sometimes being an adult and ‘responsible’ in our work and relationships means we can constrain that emotional, child part of us that also needs nurturing.  Often how we learn to have fun or play is taught at a very young age and if it was encouraged or inhibited can create our rules on fun in later life. Though as Katherine Hepburn said: “If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.”

Tips for allowing more fun:

 1.    Define for yourself what “playing” and "fun" mean to you. Make a list of all the fun things you used to do as a child and compare it to the things you do now. Are there any you could bring into your life now?  How do you have fun now and what is it about those things that is important to you?  Are you able to have fun with friends and family and not on your own or vice versa? Learn to redefine what fun means to you and allow yourself to move the goalposts if necessary.

  

2.    Write down all your excuses for not having fun or ‘fun blockers’. Start with writing at the top of the page: ‘I choose to allow myself to have fun, but..’, then spend a few minutes writing a list of bullet points of things that come to mind.  It might also bring up unconscious beliefs that you weren’t aware of such as ‘mum will disapprove’, or ‘I feel guilty’.  Once you’ve done it work on challenging them- how helpful or valid are they for you in your life at present?  

  

3.   Model people who are good at having fun.  Ask them ‘how do they do that?’- what are their beliefs or attitudes around play and fun and how can you learn from them?  Observe children and how they allow themselves to be spontaneous and playful- they are our greatest teachers for having fun.

  

4.    Allow yourself to experiment with different ways of having fun. Make a list of different fun activities (including things you’ve never done before) such as trying rock climbing, painting or going to the cinema.  Don’t edit yourself based on them being childish or a ‘waste of time’- be prepared to let go of old modes of thinking and behaving.  Action at least one thing on your list a week and don’t restrict yourself to weekends or when you have ‘deserved’ it- just do it!

  

5.    Do something new or different each day and break your routine habits. For instance, trying a new filling in your sandwich, walking a different way to work or visiting an art gallery in your lunchtime.  Reflect at the end of your day on how much fun you have had- what could you have done differently that would have enhanced your day?

  

6.    Discover what makes you laugh. The therapeutic benefits of laughter are proven though how many of us laugh every day? Try watching one funny film or comedy a week, go to a comedy club or look up funny sites on the internet. If you are finding it difficult, think about things that have made you laugh in the past or a humourous story and remember why you found it funny.

  

7.    Finally, be alert for any opportunities to have fun through the day on your own and with others. Affirm to yourself regularly you’re right to have fun and be aware of your inner critic blocking or sabotaging you.  Stretching yourself a little each day eventually expands your comfort zone of fun.  And remember, as Dr Seuss said, “fun is good.”