Ready, Set, Goal

How to start a new resolution.

Christmas has been and gone and suddenly we’re in 2012; New Year being that time to reflect on what has gone and make resolutions for the year ahead. Never mind that they were the same goals for the previous year or two, this year is going to be different, right?  You may be the exception, though most of us although well intentioned at the start of the year, fall short after the first obstacle comes along.  In fact, only 5% of us see them through, a bit like me trying to give up chocolate- it was never going to happen!  

What makes the difference with the 5% that do fulfil their aims, do they have extraordinary willpower or is it that they are just better at taking action? If you have failed to follow through on your goals in the past, it will give you little faith in the power of goal setting and your own motivation.  This can also run parallel to experiencing a fear of failure or even success (yes success!); if I do achieve that, what will it mean to me or to others?  Most of us are scared of change and getting out of our comfort zone.  Excuses can be a shield to keep us feeling ‘safe’, even if they keep us stuck, it is familiar territory.  

Sam, a client of mine came to see me wanted to lose a stone in weight.  Although she had lost 3 stone in the past, she was worried about how much attention she would get from others and wanted to remain ‘invisible’.  Getting to the root of the issue- her fear and self esteem issues, she was able to begin making the changes in her life that enabled her to begin losing the weight.  Asking yourself the right questions can also prevent you from going into the trap of staying in your comfort zone as well as ensuring they are realistic and not just lofty aspirations.

Tips to create Goals that are motivating:

1. Write down your goals: Might sound obvious though only 10% of us do- remember to put it somewhere visible where you can read it everyday.
2. Phrase them in the Positive: ‘I want to walk each Saturday’, rather than ‘I want to stop lazing around the house at weekends’.
3. Make them Specific and contextualised: What exactly do you want to achieve and where?  Is it in a specific context like work or in any situation? E.g. ‘To lose 8Ibs by going to the gym twice a week.’
4.  Ensure they are Achievable:  How can the goal(s) be attained?  What skills or support do I need?
5. Make them time bound: When will you achieve this by?
6.  Get Sensory:  Create a vision of what you want to achieve in terms of what you will see, feel, hear, touch, taste as an end goal in 6 months or a year’s time. Write it in the present first person tense, as if you have already achieved it now.  Keep visualising what it would feel and be like to have this goal- do you still want it?  If no, make it more appealing or change your goal! As Stephen Covey said: ‘Begin with the end in mind’.

How to stick to your goals:

·         Set short, medium and long term goals: Include some goals that will bring quick results to give you some confidence to move forward with more challenging goals.  For example, going somewhere more adventurous on holiday or starting that French class.  Set one or two goals you could achieve in the next 6 months and one that is more challenging for the next 6-12 months.

·         Check Ecology: Make a list of all the obstacles that are currently stopping you or that you can forsee in the future.  E.g. In Sam’s case, the fear of being noticed by others, having to give up favourite foods, the time involved.  The look at ways of overcoming these- for instance, taking all the ‘bad’ foods out of the house or taking action to overcome your fears.

·         Get Leverage:  Once you’ve made a goal, ask yourself the following questions:

o   Is it within my control?

o   Why is it important that I achieve this goal?

o   What will I get if I achieve it?

o   What will it cost me if I don’t?

·         Get Support:

o   Online support: If you spend a lot of time online or are busy and like social networking, this could be good for you to have some accountability.  Try 43things.com, mysomeday.com and habitforge.com

o   Local Group: Teaming up with a group of people with the same aims is much more fun than doing it on your own.  For example, starting an art group or travel club.  Try meetup.com for existing groups in your area, or to start your own.

o   Mentor or peer support: A mentor such as a friend or colleague can act as someone who you can be accountable to, or share your ups and downs with.  They may be able to share your goal with you, for example, having a running buddy who can keep you motivated.

o   Life Coach: Having a professional who is objective and helps to motivate you when you’ve already made a commitment to a goal can be really valuable.  It needs to be someone who you can trust and build a good relationship with- ensure to ask them what their experience has been with other clients, do they have testimonials of previous successes?

·         Adjust goals: Don’t be afraid to move the goal posts (pun intended) if you need to.  Having flexibility in your goal setting is essential and enables you to be clear on what you do really want.  For example, I may want to go to the gym three times a week though if I find that boring and I want to do something else, I can change my goal to go swimming or running instead.  Take responsibility for being your own change maker and don’t be scared to dream big. Ask yourself, ‘if I knew I was going to be successful what would I be doing with my life?’  According to Brian Tracy, ‘An average person with average talent, ambition and education, can outstrip the most brilliant genius in our society, if that person has clear, focused goals.’ 

·          Take action daily: Ask yourself each day ‘what’s one thing I can do to move me forward with my goal today?’  It might be to walk a different route to work or replace the chocolate bar on your break with some fruit.  You need to make goals into daily habits, otherwise they won’t stick.  Setting mini goals for yourself will also give you the motivation and confidence to move forward with the bigger goals and help create momentum. Make your goals daily actions and you will see long term results!

The Reality of Virtual Stress

Life is getting as fast pace as our cars.  We are expected to maintain a juggling act and keep all the balls in the air to work hard, play hard and still have time to see our friends and family. Also don’t forget keeping up with our virtual ‘friends’, one in ten admit to feeling anxious about maintaining Facebook relationships, and those with more than 117 online friends are more likely to suffer from a phobia about keeping up with their group*. Keeping up with the Joneses has never been so pertinent.

Although Social Media can be fun, it does beg the question whether staying connected to our virtual lives makes everyday life easier or more stressful, and if so, are we paying the price with the cost to our mental and emotional wellbeing?

With the ever growing presence of Social Media networks in our lives, we feel obliged to keep connected with everyone, for the fear of missing out.   As users, we begin developing a habit of checking and posting status updates; the routine of which can become an obligation.  We should tweet everyday, upload the latest photos or the profile itself will be outdated; we should at least “like” a friend’s status update or comment to a post to let them know we pay attention and we exist. There is a fear of being made obsolete if we don’t keep up with our virtual peers.

A recent survey conducted by Galaxy research reported that over 63% of the respondents felt that social media was a big contributor to their stress levels. The survey also indicated that social networking caused people to become anxious and pressured as they felt the need to constantly connect; checking their Facebook friends statuses, commenting on those statuses, Tweeting or reading Tweets, viewing new photo uploads, etc. Of those same respondents in the survey, 35% say they felt an “expectation” to respond to messages and status updates right away.

Feeling the pressure of doing these things often equates to having to prepare for a deadline at work or a meeting. We go into a state of hyper arousal, and with the surge of adrenalin, we begin to feel physically and mentally anxious and stressed.   Even though Social Media something that we choose to engage with, or not, we find ourselves unable to switch off from it 24/7 and our brains become conditioned to use it.  The habitual nature of Social Media can turn any of us into a frozen, screen staring zombie if we aren’t careful.  Is it really Social Media networks themselves that are the problem then, or the expectation we have of using them?

Social media is now so accessible through your Smartphones, we don’t even need to wait to get home to our computer to ‘check in’.   Many of the social outlets in the online world are much larger than those in the offline world. The online social scene enables you to keep in touch from friends all over the world, as well as locally and the opportunities for being invited to parties and social events can be extensive. Young people especially feel that they have to stay connected with those social circles to keep up with the latest gossip and social life.  As we said earlier, the fear of not keeping up with our online friends can be more anxiety arousing than trying to keep up with them!

Trawling Facebook looking at pictures of your virtual ‘friends’ latest Caribbean sun drenched holiday or reading about their amazing work promotion can also leave you feeling envious and insecure as your life doesn’t seem nearly as fun, successful or glamorous. Fear not as Facebook can paint a very different picture to the reality.  With our virtual lives we can distort the truth if we like, and only highlight those parts of our lives we wish to display in public.  The temptation to compare our lives to others, even virtually, can lead to feelings of anxiety, inferiority, jealousy and even depression.  It only reinforces our negative beliefs about ourselves and our lives, if we allow it to.   

The key is creating a balance in how we use Social Media and how much we allow it to influence our way of life.  We could choose to switch off from it altogether, though it does allow us access to a rich and interesting online world of friends and information that we wouldn’t have otherwise.  It can also enable us to stay connected more easily to our offline friends and family when our lives are very busy. Being aware of how much of a distraction sites like Facebook can be from dealing with the reality of everyday life helps ensure it is more of a pleasure than an avoidance tactic. Making time to disconnect from the internet and reconnect with our real lives and our feelings is essential, otherwise Social Media only becomes another way of anaesthetizing our emotions. We are human beings afterall. 

It does make you wonder how we managed it before we had the internet and  Smartphones.  Snail mail, anyone?

* http://www.austriantimes.at/news/Around_the_World/2011-08-16/35578/Facebook_phobia

Keep Calm and Carry On with Bach

Trying to pursue a busy work schedule whilst maintain a family and social life can leave you feeling overwhelmed and caught a vicious cycle of stress and worry.  With technology moving ever faster, we are struggling to adapt and instead of our lives being made easier, we are more under pressure to keep up.  Worry isn’t always a bad thing according to research though- in fact, a healthy amount is protective health wise and can help us to succeed in life, whereas excessive amounts can be potentially hazardous.*

Bach Practitioner, Alexandra Bacon comments; “If you find keeping up with your busy life and friends is taking its toll on your emotional wellbeing then make sure you take time out to relax and re-charge. The Bach Original Flower Remedies can help you to maintain feeling well balanced and positive, even in today’s hectic, busy world. There are different remedies to suit your changing moods, which you can adapt for different periods of your life. ”

If you are feeling exhausted as a result of having to keep going and feel unable to stop then Bach^TM Original Flower Remedy Oak may help. This remedy helps restore physical and mental reserves and promotes self care so you can back on track with your life with more vitality. For those of us who find ourselves feeling that sense of overwhelm and despondency as a result of overwork then Bach^TM Original Flower Remedy Elm may also be beneficial.

Creating calm is also about changing your mindset.  Most of us are too busy thinking about our ‘to do’ list, without even being aware of what’s happening in the ‘here and now’.  Bach^TM Original Flower Remedy White Chestnut is excellent for helping to calm the mind when you feel unable to switch off that mental chatter so you can focus more easily.  Trying a relaxation technique like Meditation which is proven to reduce stress and physical pain may also help.ₐ A simple starting point would be to focus on your breath; as you take in deep breaths, counting in for four and out for seven and doing that for ten minutes at a time when you need to let go of stress. 

Bach Original Flower Remedies cost from £6.65 and are available from Holland & Barrett, Boots and most independent pharmacy and health food stores. For more information, visit www.bachremedies.co.uk. Always read the label.

Alexandra Bacon is an award winning Stress Management and Wellbeing Consultant based in the East Midlands.  She is also a Bach Centre registered Bach Practitioner (BFRP), CBT Therapist and NLP Coach. Her website is www.lotusheal.co.uk and she can be contacted on: 07950 568635.

*http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/does-stress-help-us-succeed-2278364.html

ₐ http://www.technologyreview.com/article/38290/

Building Emotional Resilience

“In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life”

Albert Bandura

Emotional resilience seems to be a buzzword nowadays- whether in education, work or our personal life, we are told we need to be more resilient, to ‘bounce back’, to be more successful in life.  We all require some resilience in order to sustain ourselves through life’s challenges and survive.  

What makes us more resilient is something I’d like to begin to explore; are some people just more resilient than others? There are two characteristics that resilient people tend to display, whether in reaction to stress or trauma. These are:

1. Emotional Control:  The ability to stay calm is one of the key factors in dealing with an emergency or a crisis situation.  Managing our emotions also enables us to build healthy relationships and feel a sense of empowerment in being able to regulate our experiences.  Expressing what you feel without acting out is also important.  A client of mine, Francine discovered this when she was dealing with being bullied at work.  Rather than going into ‘victim’ mode and not saying anything or attacking back, she confronted her line manager about it as soon as it became an issue and it got resolved by being assertive. 
2. Openness to new Experiences: The second trait displayed by resilient people is openness to new experiences and managing change.  Although staying in our comfort zone may seem safe, it is through doing something new or in a different way that we expand our comfort zone and strengthen our resilience.   We also develop our character and become more interesting and self aware individuals.  For a start, try meeting new people, experiment with a new activity or improve on an existing skill.

It is easy allow ourselves to feel vulnerable in the midst of chaos and uncertainty; it can feel as if we are trapped in a long dark tunnel, without an end in sight. Life disruptions are not necessarily a bad thing though as they enable us grow and meet future challenges in our lives. It’s a lot like a muscle that was weak and is now getting stronger from being used.   As Bandura says, it also helps us to learn self efficacy or self reliance in the face of subsequent uncertainty and difficulties, rather than going into old patterns of dependency or learned helplessness.  

Charlie, who came to see me following a period of depression and work absence described his recovery as feeling like I was pulling myself out of the hole, rather than wallowing in it, and then learning to go around it rather than falling straight back in.  Although we may need the support of family or friends or a therapist to cope better with a crisis, we need to be able to do it for ourselves. Emotional resilience is also about being self aware and learning to reset our internal compass to adapt to change and act on our own inner resources.  

Seven Steps to Bouncing Back:

1.    Keep things in Perspective. As in ‘this is just hassle with my car insurance, inconvenience with being late. It isn’t a matter of life and death’. 

2.    Focus on the Positive ‘Three months from now I’ll be laughing about this meeting and it won’t matter!’

3.    View life’s challenges as an opportunity to build resilience. Learn to handle obstacles such as rudeness, being delayed, being kept waiting and feeling let down.

4.    Manage your emotions. Throwing a tantrum is not a solution.  Problems are challenges, not impossibilities. 

5.    Ask yourself, ‘what is the first step towards a solution?’  Then do it!  Repeat as necessary and don’t allow change to overwhelm you. 

6.    Imagine telling the story of your mishap to your friends.  The narrative demonstrates your resourcefulness, your sense of humour and your calmness under pressure. 

7.    Take time to reflect and learn from difficulties.  Ask ‘knowing what I know now, what would I do differently?’

When unexpected events turn life upside down, it’s the degree to which our resiliency comes into play that makes these “make-or-break” situations an opportunity for growth. It is all a matter of perception.  Although resiliency is something that is learned through experience, each of us has the capacity to reorganize our life after a disruption and to achieve new levels of strength and meaningfulness.

Check out my website: www.lotusheal.co.uk for more details.