Top 10 Habits to stay Sane in 2015

“No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality.” Shirley Jackson

As I write this, I’ve had clients email me about their husbands/wives leaving them at Christmas and another whose spouse has just died unexpectedly.  As I flick through the newspaper, there is a plethora of unhappy events both in the UK and abroad.  

As Shirley Jackson wrote, how do we continue to stay ‘sane’ when we face the harshness of such events in our everyday lives?  Some might react defiantly by trying to block out any news other than living within their own bubble. I have often been guilty of this, not wanting to absorb anymore misery from the world.  Our cup runneth over with it all at this time of year- both a sickly sweet mix of festive cheer and an echo from those who are alone, sad or without.  It is a timely reminder.

You might know at least one person who seems able to keep cheerful amidst most difficulties; one of those ‘mentally strong’ people we would all aspire to be like. What do most mentally resilient people have in common?  Here’s my top 10 habits you can adopt to grow your mental resilience in 2015:

1.     Embrace Change:  Change is the only constant in life though human beings are often slower to adapt to a change in circumstances.  To help manage change better, whether a chosen or imposed change like divorce, aim to create a plan to deal with the obstacles.  Focus on the first step, then the next etc. to avoid overwhelm.  Focus on the positives that could (eventually) arise from the change.  For example, one of my clients started focusing on all the interests she wanted to pursue which she couldn’t do when she was married.  She felt more liberated and excited about her life which helped her to move on.

2.     Keep going even if at first you don’t succeed: Having staying power is a sure sign of a resilient, emotionally intelligent person.  Most of us give up because of fear when we first fail.  Be kind to yourself initially then realize that every mistake is an opportunity to grow and learn.  Then ‘failing’ no longer feels so scary.

3.     Don't repeat the same mistakes over again: On the other hand, learning from our mistakes is the secret to being savvy and sane.  If you tend to fall for the same man over and over again for instance who is bad for you, take some time to ponder why and how you can establish a new behavior and utilize more self-control in the matter.  Awareness is the first step to changing a habit.

4.     Let go of having a Victim mentality: It might be tempting to have a ‘pity party’ though let’s face it, what does that achieve? Being able to grieve for a loss and allow yourself to experience an emotion and then let it go is healthy though staying stuck in a ‘poor me’ state is not.  It is a waste of energy and leads to negative emotions like resentment and anger.  Move on and practice gratitude daily.

5.     Focus less on pleasing people: Being genuinely kind and supportive towards others is different to being a pleaser, which arises from fear and a lack of personal boundaries.  If you tend to lose your power by focusing too much on others needs, practice the word ‘no’ and learn some assertiveness skills to arm yourself.

6.     Focus on the Present, not the past: All the clients I see have issues arising from the past or future- the past being the most toxic and limiting, whether it is viewed nostalgically or coloured with bitterness.  If you are currently limited by your past baggage, make a list of all the issues that are unresolved and make it a goal in 2015 to work through them- whether that means forgiving someone, or yourself, realize this is the only way to be truly happy in the present. If you're struggling to do this on your own, consider seeing a therapist to gain some support.

7.     Be happy being alone: Most of us feel uncomfortable being alone and need to avoid the possibility with constant activity.  Try stepping out of your comfort zone and try just 10 minutes alone time to spend with yourself doing something you enjoy.  Gradually increase the time and learn to value the solitude it brings.

8.     Take calculated risks: We spend most of our lives trying to avoid being uncomfortable though good things can arise out of feeling anxious- it can be a sign you’re starting to shift the balance towards growth.  Balance logic with your feelings and examine where this risk might take you in your life if you take that leap.  

9.     Be willing to play the long game: We live in a short termist society that wants instant fixes and results.  Be flexible and realistic however when setting goals and aspirations and be willing to put the work in long term. Breaking down bigger life goals into smaller milestones can help you stay content and sane along the journey.

10.  Focus on the things you can control: As the serenity prayer goes- ‘..grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.’  This is my mantra for life and as far as I’m concerned, the secret to happiness. Amen.

How your Eyes are the Key to Releasing your Past

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”  Wayne Dyer

In the film, Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind, lovers Joel and Clementine (Jim Carey and Kate Winslet) try and erase their memories of each other following a fight.  As you watch the film in reverse, you witness the memories through the perspective of Joel’s unconscious mind as they are erased.  A lot of us might identify with wanting that ‘quick fix’ to dissolve the pain of our past or to get over a distressing ending in our lives.  Trauma does need time to process though being able to quickly detach from past memories and emotional pain is no longer the stuff of movies. 

A new form of treatment “Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing” (EMDR) developed by Francine Shapiro in the 1980’s has been shown to effectively help sufferers of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as other Anxiety, phobia and Mood disorders. The effectiveness of EMDR Therapy has been well established as the result of more than 20 randomized controlled studies. The idea of this therapy is to recall the experiences in a safe, comfortable environment, and this helps the individual to realise that they are no longer under threat, which reduces their anxiety and stress.

A Typical EMDR procedure:

1.   The therapist will discuss any expectations with you and what you want to achieve through the treatment. This is often to ensure that desires are realistic and they know how it can benefit them.

2.   The therapist then explains how the procedure will be carried out, and if you give consent, they will begin.

3.   First you are taught a simple breathing exercise to help with anxiety – facing your fears can be very stressful, and it’s important that they is calm and relaxed. A typical breathing exercise here is to breathe in through nose for 7 seconds, and out through the mouth for 11 seconds – this combination is known to trigger neurons in the brain associated with peace and relaxation.

4.   They begin; the therapist moves their finger in front of your eyes, continuing to do so, and you will find that their eyes naturally follow it, and that you get into the rhythm. 

5.   The therapist will then gently ask a question, such as “What was your first experience of ___?” or “How did you react to ____?” to get to the first memory to process. Of course, if they are not comfortable enough to answer, the therapist will not persist and the EMDR will continue regardless.

6.   The therapist then begins processing the memory and asks what you notice on each set of taps or eye movements every 15-30 second intervals. You will typically experience a change in the memories and feelings as the process continues and you feel more relaxed. I describe it as being on a train where the scenery changes but not getting off at any stop. 

7.   Towards the end of the therapy, you will be asked to visualise leaving through a doorway – this symbolises the end of an experience, leaving the memories and the pain behind. 

8.   Once the EMDR is finished, you will do more calming breathing exercises, and you will discuss with the therapist how you felt. Typically, treatment needed is between 2-4 sessions depending on the issue.

There are many variations of the EMDR procedure, including simple eye movements, watching an LED light travel and flash, listening to tones and many more.

Although EMDR is a budding, young method of therapy, it has been shown as very effective and more recent research has shown it to be helpful to sufferers of many things; eating disorders, addictions, OCD, panic attacks and anxiety. It is a safe therapy with no side effects.

Alexandra Bacon is an experienced EMDR Therapist based in the East Midlands. 

How Lying & Keeping Secrets Affects our Health

“The most common lie is that which one lies to himself; lying to others is relatively an exception” – Friedrich Nietzsche.

There are many reasons why a person might start to tell lies. It may be that they have something to gain from it, or that they are protecting someone who might be hurt by the truth- or, that they are ashamed or feel guilty about something.  They may not want to worry those around them if the truth turns out to be negative, such as finding out the results of hospital tests for example.  Alternatively, it could be a white lie, such as “I am too tired to go out tonight" to avoid conflict or please others.

According to Harvard psychologist William Pollack, Ph.D, telling lies and keeping secrets can actually be bad for your health. Of course, we all know that certain lies need to be told and certain secrets must be kept. We just have to make sure we know when to lie or when to tell the truth.

When to do which

Tell the truth if:

·      Someone asks you outright – if you lie to someone directly, chances are that if they find out you will have damaged the trust within that relationship. Your friend, relative or partner will always remember it and never be sure whether you’re telling the truth or not in the future.

·      It’s making you tense and anxious – If you’re keeping a secret or have begun to tell lies and it’s making you nervous, tense and wound up, it’s better to come clean and put yourself (and everyone around you) out of their misery.

·      The situation isn’t too bad yet – If you can see things getting worse it’s good to come clean, especially if you think there might be ways to solve the problem or solutions that can be thought of behind the reason you lied/kept a secret.

Keep the secret or continue lying if:

·      It’s not your secret – Telling someone else’s secret might lead to gossip as well as breaking that person’s trust. Also, that person might have decided they want to sort it out themselves, and so you will shame them by getting there first. If it’s not your business it’s better not to trouble with it and support their decision in whether or not to tell.

·      You intend to tell it within days – Sometimes “Now just isn’t the right time”, and that’s okay. These things are better dealt with if everyone is in a good mood and ready to talk deeply about an issue.

So How do Lies and Secrets Affect my Health?

1.    Telling lies or keeping secrets is prone to making you anxious and on edge. Having something on your mind all the time isn’t good for you, especially if it’s linked to danger, e.g. someone finding out and exposing you, or the worry of others getting hurt etc. This makes us begin a “fight or flight” response, in which adrenaline is constantly in our bodies, which can be damaging long term and cause illnesses such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).

2.    Telling lies or keeping secrets distract you from your daily routine – you are more likely to make mistakes, forget things, and make physical activities seem more difficult.

3.    Sometimes the secret itself is something you should be talking about. Having a “Big secret” can be very taxing if you have no one you feel you can tell, and therefore are not getting the appropriate support from family and friends. If you need someone to talk to but feel you have nowhere to turn, you might be better off talking to a therapist, calling a helpline such as the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90,  or asking for help on an internet forum.

Try and do what’s best for yourself and the people you love. This might involve making a difficult choice or coming clean about something.  Whether you choose to lie or tell the truth, keep the secret or reveal it, think about whether or not it is justified, and if the good consequences outweigh the bad.

 

Men and Depression: The Internal Conflict

“Depression is rage spread thin” - George Santayana

Depression affects 6 million men every year in America alone.  Reasons for depression that men have reported include: trouble in an important relationship, unemployment, pregnancy or childbirth, separation/divorce, retirement, and work stress.

There is a lot of pressure upon men in our society to maintain a sense of “masculinity” and being a “real man”. Sometimes this means that when a man feels desperate, lonely or depressed – he will hide his feelings and keep things bottled up. Because of this, men are three times more likely to commit suicide than women (statistic from the Royal College of Psychiatrists).

There is a common misconception that women are the more body conscious, the more emotional and the more soulful of the sexes – but this is not true. A man may look into the mirror and hate his appearance, doubting himself for not being muscular enough, for being short, not having much chest hair etc. Similarly, men feel the same emotional range as women and can also suffer from depression or anxiety. They just tend to keep it much more hidden.

If you think you know a man who is suffering with depression, be sensitive about it. He may not want to admit to himself or you that he is out of his depth. Men traditionally see themselves as having a lot of responsibility; earn the wage, be the protector, be man of the house. And when they start to struggle they see it as a failure. A crisis of masculinity, if you like.

Things you need to know and look for concerning Male Depression:

·         Coping Mechanisms – Male coping mechanisms differ a lot from female coping strategies. A man might throw himself into an activity, focussing a lot on work or sport to avoid dealing with his problems or distract himself. Also, the man in question might resort to impulsive strategies such as alcohol or drugs to cope with the feelings they are experiencing.

·         Downplaying signs or symptoms – Men are much more likely to ignore or justify the feelings they are experiencing than females.

·         Reluctance to discuss things – Men probably wont want to discuss they feelings with anyone, let alone a mental health professional. It’s better to reach out to your man in a caring, casual way when encouraging to seek help, e.g. “It’s probably nothing darling, but it might be worth just popping to see Dr Smith in case he has any suggestions” than “You are depressed and I’m taking you to see a Psychiatrist on Monday!”.

·         Emotions – Men are likely to feel anger, violence or frustration rather than sadness when they are depressed.

·         Physical vs Emotional – Males are likely to report feelings of physical pain such as headaches, backaches, dizziness, chest and joint pain rather than emotional discomfort.

If you think that your partner, son, brother, father or male friend is suffering from depression, try to encourage them to seek help from a Doctor or Psychotherapist without pressuring them or making a big “fuss” about it. The Royal College of Psychiatrists offers helpful information here:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/expertadvice/problems/depression/mendepression.aspx

 

How to Change Your Reality in 4 Steps

“Reality is merely is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one"  Albert Einstein

The way we perceive the world is a guide to how we navigate our way through it via out filters of experience- our map.  You see, ‘reality’ as we see it is only an edited version of the ‘real thing’- the territory.  Most of us operate as if our map that we hold in our minds is the reality that everyone else uses.  We then make assumptions and deletions based on our perceptions, resulting in stress and conflict as we learn that others don’t think the same way!

We create a very limited view of the world which often leaves us feeling without choice, stressed and unhappy that others aren’t doing it right. Or, we feel we seem to be getting it wrong (depending on what our model says) !  The question I often ask my clients is, ‘would you like to change this view’?  Most of them say yes of course though with a having a map comes a certain amount of investment in that view of the world and a fear of what might happen if I change it?

As a therapist, I aim to challenge the ‘reality’ of a person’s experience whilst respecting their model of the world as being theirs and unique.  I do not wish to trample on what has been their foundation for years of experience though perhaps offer them a different perspective from a third person’s point of view.  This in itself can be liberating.

To begin shifting your reality, work through the following steps to begin editing your experiences:

1.    Bring a stressful or negative memory or thought to mind- make sure you make it as powerful as possible- sense and connect with the colours, feelings, sounds again.

2.    Check in with yourself- would it be okay to let go of any unpleasant feelings associated with it? If ‘no’ then ask yourself ‘what is the positive purpose of keeping it?  i.e. so you don’t do it again or so you can ‘punish’ that person or yourself? Be curious.

3.    Next, notice how you think about the thought or memory you’re accessing then:

a.    If you’re associated (in it), dissociate (see yourself in it like a movie)

b.    Turn it black and white if it is in colour.

c.     If it is in 3D, make the memory flat like you’re seeing it on a screen.

d.    Shrink it down in size until you have it about the size of a postcard, flat and black and white in front of you.

e.    Reach out in your mind, screw it up and throw it away or burn it.

4.    Test it- Think about the memory now and see how you feel about it now?  If it feels better, you’re finished.  If there is no change, try altering the other submodalities such as making the sound different or quieter or adding a funny soundtrack to the image or memory.  Using humour is very powerful for changing our perceptions of things.  Try it next time you are scared of something or anticipating an event like doing a presentation- imagine the most ridiculous thing or a commentary by someone who makes you laugh and see how it feels. Feel free to play with it, after all, it’s your reality!