Top 10 Habits to stay Sane in 2015

“No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality.” Shirley Jackson

As I write this, I’ve had clients email me about their husbands/wives leaving them at Christmas and another whose spouse has just died unexpectedly.  As I flick through the newspaper, there is a plethora of unhappy events both in the UK and abroad.  

As Shirley Jackson wrote, how do we continue to stay ‘sane’ when we face the harshness of such events in our everyday lives?  Some might react defiantly by trying to block out any news other than living within their own bubble. I have often been guilty of this, not wanting to absorb anymore misery from the world.  Our cup runneth over with it all at this time of year- both a sickly sweet mix of festive cheer and an echo from those who are alone, sad or without.  It is a timely reminder.

You might know at least one person who seems able to keep cheerful amidst most difficulties; one of those ‘mentally strong’ people we would all aspire to be like. What do most mentally resilient people have in common?  Here’s my top 10 habits you can adopt to grow your mental resilience in 2015:

1.     Embrace Change:  Change is the only constant in life though human beings are often slower to adapt to a change in circumstances.  To help manage change better, whether a chosen or imposed change like divorce, aim to create a plan to deal with the obstacles.  Focus on the first step, then the next etc. to avoid overwhelm.  Focus on the positives that could (eventually) arise from the change.  For example, one of my clients started focusing on all the interests she wanted to pursue which she couldn’t do when she was married.  She felt more liberated and excited about her life which helped her to move on.

2.     Keep going even if at first you don’t succeed: Having staying power is a sure sign of a resilient, emotionally intelligent person.  Most of us give up because of fear when we first fail.  Be kind to yourself initially then realize that every mistake is an opportunity to grow and learn.  Then ‘failing’ no longer feels so scary.

3.     Don't repeat the same mistakes over again: On the other hand, learning from our mistakes is the secret to being savvy and sane.  If you tend to fall for the same man over and over again for instance who is bad for you, take some time to ponder why and how you can establish a new behavior and utilize more self-control in the matter.  Awareness is the first step to changing a habit.

4.     Let go of having a Victim mentality: It might be tempting to have a ‘pity party’ though let’s face it, what does that achieve? Being able to grieve for a loss and allow yourself to experience an emotion and then let it go is healthy though staying stuck in a ‘poor me’ state is not.  It is a waste of energy and leads to negative emotions like resentment and anger.  Move on and practice gratitude daily.

5.     Focus less on pleasing people: Being genuinely kind and supportive towards others is different to being a pleaser, which arises from fear and a lack of personal boundaries.  If you tend to lose your power by focusing too much on others needs, practice the word ‘no’ and learn some assertiveness skills to arm yourself.

6.     Focus on the Present, not the past: All the clients I see have issues arising from the past or future- the past being the most toxic and limiting, whether it is viewed nostalgically or coloured with bitterness.  If you are currently limited by your past baggage, make a list of all the issues that are unresolved and make it a goal in 2015 to work through them- whether that means forgiving someone, or yourself, realize this is the only way to be truly happy in the present. If you're struggling to do this on your own, consider seeing a therapist to gain some support.

7.     Be happy being alone: Most of us feel uncomfortable being alone and need to avoid the possibility with constant activity.  Try stepping out of your comfort zone and try just 10 minutes alone time to spend with yourself doing something you enjoy.  Gradually increase the time and learn to value the solitude it brings.

8.     Take calculated risks: We spend most of our lives trying to avoid being uncomfortable though good things can arise out of feeling anxious- it can be a sign you’re starting to shift the balance towards growth.  Balance logic with your feelings and examine where this risk might take you in your life if you take that leap.  

9.     Be willing to play the long game: We live in a short termist society that wants instant fixes and results.  Be flexible and realistic however when setting goals and aspirations and be willing to put the work in long term. Breaking down bigger life goals into smaller milestones can help you stay content and sane along the journey.

10.  Focus on the things you can control: As the serenity prayer goes- ‘..grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.’  This is my mantra for life and as far as I’m concerned, the secret to happiness. Amen.

5 Creative ways to overcome your Anxiety

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Wayne Dyer

According to research, Anxiety disorders affect more than 3 million of us in the UK alone.  That is apart from those individuals who suffer from some kind of mild anxiety who haven’t sought treatment or advice from a health professional.  Unfortunately, the numbers of those diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder are only set to rise.

Anxiety can take many guises- for some it is triggered by specific situations like driving, or it may be a more generalized feeling of Anxiousness or worry which in normal circumstances you could cope with. If you feel you might be suffering from an Anxiety Disorder read this guide online for more information: http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/anxiety.asp

GP’s are often at a loss at how to treat those with Anxiety aside from prescribing Anti depressant or Anti Anxiolytic drugs like Beta Blockers that are often just a short term ‘fix’.  CBT is then recommended as a way of managing the Anxiety symptoms better which in my experience, can be very effective.  For a slightly different approach, here’s 5 creative ways to overcome your Anxiety immediately:

1.    Change the Anxious self talk: Rick Carson, author of ‘Taming your Gremlin’ says we all have an inner ‘gremlin’ that talks us down and makes us feel negative about ourselves and the world.  He suggests tackling it first of all by just being aware of that voice and learning to be more detached from it.  I’d suggest adding a dose of humour in there too as the best way to diffuse fear is usually to laugh at what makes us scared.  What kind of voice would you rather have- a comedian you like? Your best friend who makes you laugh?  Changing the associations with that negative voice might well help.

2.    Add a happy soundtrack: Often our mind not only tells us what could go wrong in a never ending audio loop.  Often it is great at ramping up the fear with visual images of our fears too.  When this happens, try picturing the image of the fear on the cinema screen and try playing the image with a happy/funny soundtrack to again mix up the fearful associations with amusing ones.  See how you feel…If your fear is more generalized, ask yourself ‘what’s the worst thing that could happen?’ and you’ll probably get an image or thought come up to work on.

3.    Neutralise the fear: Another way of diffusing fear is to use Cognitive Diffusion techniques which allow the mind to start neutralizing the connections to the Anxiety.  For example, the words ‘Anxiety’ and ‘Fear’ are often loaded with well a lot of negativity unsurprisingly!  Try using a neutral word like ‘orange’ or ‘banana’ instead when you feel that way. It might well make you smile!

4.    Let go of the Anxious identity: Through my experience of working with hundreds of clients with Anxiety over the years is that they have a strong sense of identity connected to being anxious.  ‘I’m an anxious person’ they say, ‘I’m always anxious’.  Telling their mind they are anxious is pretty much saying, ‘this is me, I can’t get over it’.  Pretty limiting wouldn’t you say?!  Whereas anxiety, like any other emotion is just a state we are experiencing at the time- like anger, sadness or happiness and doesn’t define who we are.  Next time you get a thought like that come up challenge it and see what it feels like!

5.    Create a pattern interrupt.  In a way, all the above are techniques for interrupting the patterns of anxiety and fearful thinking. Another one I like to use with children and adults alike is using a positive anchor word that you can use whenever you feel anxious to ‘break the state’.  Think about either what makes you feel happy or calm? Could it be playing football on a Sunday, seeing your friends, reading in bed?  Whatever it is, allow yourself to be immersed in the memory of doing this thing and get into the positive state and think of an anchor word.  Practise using that word whenever you start to feel anxious and keep reconnecting your mind to that feeling.  

Top 5 things you need to know to survive being a working parent

As Sheryl Sandberg says: ‘..there’s no such thing as work life balance. There’s work and there’s life and there’s no balance.’  ‘Work-life Balance’ can feel like an elusive ideal we should be aspiring for and yet feel we never quite achieve.  What with trying to ‘balance’ meetings at work, school runs, housework and then fit in some downtime and exercise (if you’re lucky), it can feel like a constant juggling act as a parent.

As a working parent myself to a 3-month old, I know how difficult it is trying to balance everything including a career, whilst trying to remain fully functioning and happy.  With increasing pressures on parents to maintain a good career to provide a nice lifestyle for their family and deal with the financial pressures this brings, it is no wonder Stress, Depression and Anxiety disorders are on the rise. Essentially, parents are often trying to cope with two full time jobs- the one that pays the bills and looking after the kids.

That aside, there are some things that parents often forget in the midst of the juggling act that make life that bit easier:

1.    Create a support Network outside the family

Being a working parent can be isolating and it’s important to gain external support.  Even if your social life has dwindled, ensure that you make time to speak to friends, on the phone or face to face (Facebook as a last resort!). I ensure I see at least one friend a week for a coffee or lunch to keep in touch. If you want to combine it with doing some exercise all the better! Online support can also be of benefit as well, especially to connect with other parents who may be going through similar issues. Try http://www.familylives.org.uk/ or http://www.netmums.com/ to find parenting forums or support groups.

2.    Create clear, flexible priorities

When you’ve got a demanding career and an active family life, you can often feel torn between your priorities and overwhelmed at trying to achieve too much at once. Having a more flexible approach can enable you to gain more sense of control over your life balance and move away from this constant state of stress.  One strategy for doing this is to list at the end or beginning of each week what your priorities are and look at what you can defer, delegate or delete from that list. Then set 2-3 clear goals for the week and put the other small goals that take a few minutes like phone calls in a ‘batch list’ and blitz these when you have some time though prioritise achieving the main goals first.

3.    Accept your limitations and what is ‘good enough’

Get out of the mindset of trying to be the perfect parent and start feeling ‘good enough’.  Deciding to keep a career going whilst being a parent inevitably means sacrifices have to be made on time spent with children. This doesn’t mean you have to then compensate with giving things, which is what parents often do to dispel their guilt.  Just accept the decisions you have made and then focus on making the time you do spend with your kids’ count- quality time matters more than anything.  Also accept your limitations and challenge your ‘ill be happy when…’ mentality as that only leads to severe dissatisfaction. Now is where you are.

4.    Find ways of being more present

Leading on from that, start exploring ways of being more in the moment.  I am sure you’ve already heard of ‘mindfulness’ if you haven’t dabbled in the practice already.  Having a ‘beginners mind’ is a Zen Buddhist practice, which essentially means being open and seeing things afresh like a curious child.  I rather like this idea as it involves getting out of your existing rut and habitual patterns and jumping into a new frame of wonderment and excitement. Ask yourself, if I had a beginners mind, how would I see my situation differently and what would I be telling myself?  Try a mindfulness practice for yourself and download the headspace app: https://www.headspace.com/ Having children also gives you an ample excuse to let the inner child out to play every now and then!

5.    Book appointments with yourself.

This might sound a bit desperate needing to set meetings with yourself though I’ve done this for myself as well as with clients and it really does work.  Think about it, would you ignore an important meeting in your diary? Not likely though often parents neglect their own needs and can end up feeling trapped in their responsibilities.  I teach all my clients about ‘enlightened self interest’, which is about prioritising your own wellbeing with the view that if you’re healthy and happy, you’ll be able to deliver your best to others. Being flexible in your priorities also means you can sometimes make space for yourself without feeling guilty and still be a good parent.  So book that spa day now!

Looking out for Men's Mental Health

“If you add loneliness to depression, you really are in a world of… appalling pain.” – Stephen Fry

Men are beginning to seek more help through their GP's and visit therapists more than they were before.  A stigma still remains however around admitting to suffering from a mental health problem which creates further isolation and often a sense of hopelessness and despair. Suicide rates have shown that men are three to four times more likely to commit suicide than women.  We need to consider why that is, and what we can do to address it.

Possible reasons for higher rates of male suicide include: 

•     Men are less likely than women to talk about their feelings – they tend to isolate themselves.

• Men are less likely to seek professional help (e.g. counselling, therapy, medication) than women.

• Men have higher rates of drug and alcohol misuse than women, and are much more likely to use this to mask their symptoms of depression.

• They demonstrate their feelings externally (e.g. shouting, getting angry) and close things off internally (e.g. “I’m fine”)

And, above all:

• Social ideals and pressures of masculinity demands that men “Stay strong” or, here’s a good one, “man up”.

It must be recognised and understood that men too are victims of domestic violence, sexual violence such as rape, and violence and abuse from other men. It is all too overlooked; as a society we often think of women as being more vulnerable to these things, especially the domestic and sexual violence, but this is not the case. It is possible that men simply do not report the incidents as often, because they are maybe embarrassed or ashamed. 

What can we do about this?

Men’s Minds Matter is an organisation that hopes to better raise awareness of male problems and mental health issues, and also to provide support for those and the families of those who are affected. They have been “working closely with other psychologists, professionals and organisations to develop ideas on how to improve the psychological wellbeing of men and boys” says the Director of Men’s Minds Matter, Dr Luke Sullivan. Through this, they have begun The Men’s Institute, which as well as being very useful is another step to recognising that men need this support, as well as women do. 

If would like more information about this matter or no someone who might benefit from it, visit http://www.mensmindsmatter.com/ or http://www.mensmindsmatter.com/the-mens-institute.html for resources and support.

Other organisations such as Mind http://www.mind.org.uk/ and Time to Change http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/ will also be useful, and also Terry Real’s book, “I don't Want to Talk About it: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression” is a very good and helpful read.

Considering visiting your GP or speaking to a Therapist might also help you to start resolving some of your underlying issues and gain more support.  For more information on our services, visit www.lotus-therapeutics.com.

Your Wellbeing- Improved with Gratitude

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” – Melody Beattie

Expressing gratitude improves your attitude (and your well being). But just saying “thank you” isn’t enough – From your heart you have to really mean it, although merely expressing it is a good starting point.  

Gratitude: The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

It can be hard to be grateful sometimes. After a long day at work with various trials and tribulations, sometimes when we get home we forget to appreciate the small things – Your partner cooking tea, or the kids bouncing down the stairs to greet you, your friend popping round with a book they thought you might like. Little things which we should be grateful for often get lost during the stress of every day life, but research has shown that if we start to notice and appreciate these things, we will also notice lots of health benefits;

• Better sleeping, more social connections, improvement in overall happiness, higher levels of Energy, increased optimism

And are less likely to be;

• Depressed, greedy or have alcohol dependency issues

(Taken from Melinda Beck of the Wall Street Journal)

One Method of increasing your gratitude is taking a step back and looking at the world in a rational way, i.e. is this situation really so bad/hopeless?  Often it is easy for us to get into ‘black and white’ thinking which means we can magnify our problems or discount what is good about the situation. 

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy offers useful tools to help you to get past disfunctional thought processes and teach you to see the good in every situation and challenge any irrational thoughts. A simple strategy I often recommend to clients is to question the evidence of your thoughts and ‘is this really true?’  This helps engage the more logical part of your mind to counteract the negative thought.

Random Acts of Kindness also increases your wellbeing as it helps you to feel good about yourself, and increases your gratitude as you start to appreciate that the “Little things” really do matter. This week is Random Acts of Kindness week- have a look at the website for more information and how to get involved.

The benefits are clearly worth trying.  Be grateful. Notice the little things, say thank you, and you’ll start to feel happier, more energised and optimistic. Be thankful for the effort people put in, and the things that they do for you. The more you notice them, the more you will learn to appreciate them, and in turn make that person feel more appreciated.

Returning acts of kindness is also another way to show your appreciation and gratitude towards someone. Maybe even keep a journal with a list of everything you are grateful at the end of each day, no matter how small.  Develop an 'attitude of gratitude' and notice the results!