Top 10 Habits to stay Sane in 2015

“No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality.” Shirley Jackson

As I write this, I’ve had clients email me about their husbands/wives leaving them at Christmas and another whose spouse has just died unexpectedly.  As I flick through the newspaper, there is a plethora of unhappy events both in the UK and abroad.  

As Shirley Jackson wrote, how do we continue to stay ‘sane’ when we face the harshness of such events in our everyday lives?  Some might react defiantly by trying to block out any news other than living within their own bubble. I have often been guilty of this, not wanting to absorb anymore misery from the world.  Our cup runneth over with it all at this time of year- both a sickly sweet mix of festive cheer and an echo from those who are alone, sad or without.  It is a timely reminder.

You might know at least one person who seems able to keep cheerful amidst most difficulties; one of those ‘mentally strong’ people we would all aspire to be like. What do most mentally resilient people have in common?  Here’s my top 10 habits you can adopt to grow your mental resilience in 2015:

1.     Embrace Change:  Change is the only constant in life though human beings are often slower to adapt to a change in circumstances.  To help manage change better, whether a chosen or imposed change like divorce, aim to create a plan to deal with the obstacles.  Focus on the first step, then the next etc. to avoid overwhelm.  Focus on the positives that could (eventually) arise from the change.  For example, one of my clients started focusing on all the interests she wanted to pursue which she couldn’t do when she was married.  She felt more liberated and excited about her life which helped her to move on.

2.     Keep going even if at first you don’t succeed: Having staying power is a sure sign of a resilient, emotionally intelligent person.  Most of us give up because of fear when we first fail.  Be kind to yourself initially then realize that every mistake is an opportunity to grow and learn.  Then ‘failing’ no longer feels so scary.

3.     Don't repeat the same mistakes over again: On the other hand, learning from our mistakes is the secret to being savvy and sane.  If you tend to fall for the same man over and over again for instance who is bad for you, take some time to ponder why and how you can establish a new behavior and utilize more self-control in the matter.  Awareness is the first step to changing a habit.

4.     Let go of having a Victim mentality: It might be tempting to have a ‘pity party’ though let’s face it, what does that achieve? Being able to grieve for a loss and allow yourself to experience an emotion and then let it go is healthy though staying stuck in a ‘poor me’ state is not.  It is a waste of energy and leads to negative emotions like resentment and anger.  Move on and practice gratitude daily.

5.     Focus less on pleasing people: Being genuinely kind and supportive towards others is different to being a pleaser, which arises from fear and a lack of personal boundaries.  If you tend to lose your power by focusing too much on others needs, practice the word ‘no’ and learn some assertiveness skills to arm yourself.

6.     Focus on the Present, not the past: All the clients I see have issues arising from the past or future- the past being the most toxic and limiting, whether it is viewed nostalgically or coloured with bitterness.  If you are currently limited by your past baggage, make a list of all the issues that are unresolved and make it a goal in 2015 to work through them- whether that means forgiving someone, or yourself, realize this is the only way to be truly happy in the present. If you're struggling to do this on your own, consider seeing a therapist to gain some support.

7.     Be happy being alone: Most of us feel uncomfortable being alone and need to avoid the possibility with constant activity.  Try stepping out of your comfort zone and try just 10 minutes alone time to spend with yourself doing something you enjoy.  Gradually increase the time and learn to value the solitude it brings.

8.     Take calculated risks: We spend most of our lives trying to avoid being uncomfortable though good things can arise out of feeling anxious- it can be a sign you’re starting to shift the balance towards growth.  Balance logic with your feelings and examine where this risk might take you in your life if you take that leap.  

9.     Be willing to play the long game: We live in a short termist society that wants instant fixes and results.  Be flexible and realistic however when setting goals and aspirations and be willing to put the work in long term. Breaking down bigger life goals into smaller milestones can help you stay content and sane along the journey.

10.  Focus on the things you can control: As the serenity prayer goes- ‘..grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.’  This is my mantra for life and as far as I’m concerned, the secret to happiness. Amen.

Coping with Endings- a Reflection

Coming into the New year we tend to focus on new beginnings and goals- wanting to lose weight, getting that job promotion.  Often we struggle however, to come to terms with unresolved endings from the previous year(s).   Instead of allowing ourselves the space to process our emotions, we often put our psychological baggage to one side and carry on regardless.  I often describe this denial state as a bit like adding logs to a fast flowing stream- eventually it creates a large dam and our ability to feel balanced and ‘flow’ with life gets inhibited.  Allow this to happen for long enough and you’ve got a very strong pressure to contend with!

We can all be guilty of just breezing though painful experiences like divorce or redundancy and not really acknowledging the impact on us at the time.  Or, on the other hand, we may allow ourselves to drown in the pain of loss and not be able to move forward or let go. 

Letting go isn’t easy.  I myself am currently processing a a lot of changes, mostly positive though equally unsettling- moving house (twice), starting another business and am about to welcome the arrival of my first child.  Initially, this sparked off a lot of fear as I’ve had to surrender to the fact that my life will never be the same, and nor will I.  As Anais Nin said: ‘Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.  Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.  This is a kind of death.’  Embracing endings is like stepping out of the chrysalis and into the light so we can stretch ourselves and live a deeper, more fulfilling life. This can be terrifying.

The temptation to resist out of fear can be strong though, as can the sense of wanting justice or consolation for our loss or pain.  What this only achieves is more pain and frustration for ourselves, which only disempowers us further.  Because change often happens organically, we are inevitably forced to take action at some point- write that letter, sign those divorce papers. Once we have taken ownership and control of the ending (as much as possible), we then allow space for new energy and create ground for those beginnings to flourish.   

This year, I encourage you to join me in my goal to ‘let go and live’ more fully in the present, not allowing the past to pull you backwards.  More simply, allow a bit of space to just be with your thoughts and feelings each day and practice surrendering to them, rather than judging or denying your experiences.  See how differently you feel doing this for a few weeks.  For inspiration on being more present, try reading Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Greater Steps Towards Happiness- Step 5: Learning to Let Go

Although we like to coin the phrase ‘putting the past behind us’, often we rationalise how we feel when our emotions continue to cause us disturbance and limit our ability to be happy.  We might attempt to distract ourselves from unpleasant memories or feelings- anything from going out socialising all the time to watching TV or going on Facebook. These patterns of avoidance then easily become a way of life and keep us stuck. 

Making peace with the past is something that enables us to move forward on our path towards happiness and also allows us to live and embrace the ‘here and now’.  

First of all, taking time to reflect on what is unresolved in your life enables you to develop awareness of it. It might be related to childhood issues or recurring patterns such as in relationships, whether the issue was triggered by you or someone else. You might identify certain themes in your life, such as rejection or loneliness- recognising this pattern is the first step towards changing it and understanding how your present situation evolved. This is different from dwelling on the past as opposed to creating new connections that enable you to learn from your experience.

Letting go also involves forgiveness-recurring negative feelings such as guilt, anger and resentment are signs of non-forgiveness, towards ourselves or others.  Forgiveness can take time and is hard to do and also involves having compassion for yourself or the other person.  Holding onto such attachments keeps you a prisoner to the past and keeps you caught in a vicious cycle of negativity and blame. 

To begin the forgiveness process, choose three people in your life who still provoke anger or resentment and write down the reasons why it was their fault. Then try challenging these thoughts, offering evidence for and against your view and re-evaluate what happened.  Try stepping into their shoes and seeing what you feel or how you see the situation- does it feel any different?

Finally, allow yourself the opportunity to write a letter to each person outlining how you feel and express freely what you needed to say.  This isn’t meant to be sent, just an exercise to discharge your emotion around it.  Then review your feelings again and see how it feels.  If possible, speak to that person and allow yourself to be honest with how this situation affected you, adding that you would like to now release it and move forward.  

As Robert Muller put it: “To forgive is the most highest beautiful form of love. In return, you will get untold peace and happiness.”

Steps Towards Greater Happiness: Step 3: Let go of Obstacles

“Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail” Charles F. Kettering

The first thing I often teach my clients is about the unconscious mind and what a powerful driving force it is in our lives.  In fact, 90% of what we do is motivated by the unconscious; if our beliefs aren’t in alignment with what we want then we often sabotage ourselves.

Many of us are contradictions- part of us wants to be wealthy, the other part feels guilty or a fraud if we are.  Underlying limiting beliefs are often what hold us back from achieving our full potential.   

I once had a client who wanted to start his own business and move out of the sales role he was in. The fear around money was strong, especially the worry that his new venture could fail.  He wanted it to be successful though somehow, he doubted it would work and part of him wanted to stay in the security of his current job.

Identifying his limiting beliefs around himself and money and success, we were able to see what was stopping him from moving forward. We then worked on challenging the validity of his thoughts and questioning, “is this really true?”  Letting go or ‘softening’ a belief can enable us to overcome our obstacles to success.

Secondly, I asked him to focus on the beliefs he had that were going to move forward and encapsulate what he wanted to be as an entrepreneur. He then picked one of those beliefs and made it into a positive self belief statement about himself and repeated it to himself on a daily basis: “I am a really successful business man and I deserve all the money that I earn”.   What positive statement would work for you and your life?

Try doing the same and write down any negative beliefs and thoughts about yourself or the area of your life you want to change.  Think about the origins of this belief- was it a maths teacher that told you that ‘I can’t do maths’ or your dad that said to you ‘I’m no good at sport’?  Challenge whether they really valid and if they apply to you now?

Sometimes beliefs become a self fulfilling prophecy- we accept that they are true without making the effort to change or see beyond them.  You may have found maths difficult though perhaps you now do the book keeping for your business or you now enjoy tennis when you hated sport at school.  Let go of the views that are limiting you and start holding a new view of yourself, free from the past.  Start seeing life through fresh eyes and you might just be surprised at what you see.

Crisis into opportunity

“A crisis is an opportunity riding a dangerous wind” Chinese proverb

Having heard the phrase ‘Crisis and opportunity’ most of us wouldn’t feel that is really the case in the climate with live in- what with financial and economic uncertainty, natural disasters happening around the globe- where is the opportunity in that!? It has been said that the Chinese term for crisis is the same as the word for opportunity.  There is also debate as to whether this is really true, though looking at it in our own lives- is there really two sides to the coin?

It really is a matter of perspective and how we view crisis and opportunity as they are always running parallel and one can always lead to the other.  We may win the lottery one day and then lose it the next and vice versa. The only thing in life we can be certain of (as I am fond of saying!) is that ‘change is the only constant in life’ and that nothing stays the same.  

It came into conversation with a client last week about the issue of Crisis having a flip side to it. To help reframe her situation, I asked her: “looking at your life now, do you see there being any opportunities in what happened to you?”   She looked surprised at first (with a ‘hell no’ look on her face), reflected on it and said “yes actually, it has given me the space to stand back from my life and get off this treadmill I have been on for the last 20 years”.  She needed to step off it first though to realise this and being made redundant was the turning point for her. Crisis comes in many forms and guises though- from bereavement to illness to loss of a relationship. So what makes it a crisis or an opportunity?

Basically, as human beings we are either motivated by love or fear.  To treat events as a ‘crisis’ we are working on the premise that we should be working away from what we really don’t want- uncertainty, poverty, death, disease etc.  If we work from the basis of love and trust, we will view life in a very different way- we will be working towards making money, having great relationships and so forth, and ultimately having acceptance of what is happening right now, with the understanding that we can’t always know what is around the corner!

Here are some suggestions for turning an apparent crisis into an opportunity:

1. Get some perspective

Hindsight is a great thing, and in the midst of a crisis, it can feel as if there will never be an end to it. It’s always worth getting a new perspective on it as apparent crises can often give you the wakeup call you need to create major change and get you out of your comfort zone.

Reflecting on your own life, list every ‘crisis’ that you’ve had say over the last 5-10 years and ask yourself- “what learning or ‘opportunity’ came out of that?” If it is easier, pretend you are viewing it as someone else’s life and see what they might say about it and the events following the ‘crisis’. Did it make you get out of that relationship that wasn’t working or start a new career perhaps?

Do the same with the ‘opportunities’ and see how they compare- which gave you more learning’s? How can you apply this understanding to what is going on in your life now?

2. Take advantage of uncertainty

Going back to the two drivers for human behaviour- fear or love, think about what you can do differently to exploit the current climate of pessimism in both your personal and professional life. 
For example, is this the time to start growing your own veg on an allotment to save money or even create your own co operative?  How about looking at investing in the stock market and taking some calculated risks?  Remember, staying in crisis is about staying in your comfort zone and what is familiar; whereas opportunity is about having the courage to stretch yourself and your possibilities!

3. Create your own opportunities

In a current crisis situation, it is easy to get stuck and become bogged down with what is going wrong.  As a reframe, realise (from exercise 1) what positives have come out of past situations and then ask yourself some different questions. Ask: “what is one thing I can do in this moment/ hour/ day/ week to change this situation and move me forward?” Questions are powerful and can help or hinder you and asking the right ones can empower you to make the right choices, rather than stay stuck where you are.

Once you’ve done that, make a brainstorm of everything you can do after you’ve dealt with the crisis. For example, for my client with the redundancy, I asked her to brainstorm a list of every kind of thing she wanted to try- both personal and professional to aim to broaden her perspective on things. 

 Sometimes, we can become very narrow and rigid in our thinking and we need to look at our situation with new eyes.  For her, this in itself was a revelation as she ended up retraining as an Interior designer and setting up her own consultancy.  A lesson for us all to take that leap of faith!  As Susan Taylor said: “Seeds of faith are always within us; sometimes it takes a crisis to nourish and encourage their growth”

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk