Keep Calm & Carry On

We are unable to escape from the scenes of London that have been on every news channel across the world. It has impacted many of our daily lives - our journeys to and from work, sporting events being cancelled and communities in disarray.  The threats of more riots across the country leave an atmosphere of tension and fear.

It is important to recognise the significance of our ability to control our own feelings and actions. Many feelings and emotions have been stirred up by the ongoing events and as the emotions increase our intelligence and our ability to respond appropriately and rationally to what is going around us diminishes. Amongst this uncertainty, there is a possibility that we may become reactive and ruled by our emotions. When we become reactive to situations, our ability to judge situations can become clouded, creating more confusion and unrest. While these events have put people in a high emotional state, I suggest you all to take a deep breath and stop for a moment before reacting or venting. Anger and aggression cannot beat anger and aggression. Only calm and rational minds will see a way beyond the experiences of the last few days. 

I recommend that we focus on the solution (or what you want) rather than the problems we are currently experiencing. London has been through the blitz, IRA bombings, the 7/7 Al Qaeda attacks and the average Londoner knows how to 'Keep Calm and Carry On'. When the aggressor was external we came together with a strong resolution not to be defeated. This time there are no external factors influencing this situation so it is down to us to rally together and appeal for calm. The Government created some morale boosting posters during the Second World War. This simple and quintessentially British message is as apt today as it was during the blitz. 

So take a breath, visualise the calm and not the storm, and help those around you to keep their emotions in check. Most importantly 'Keep Calm and Carry On'.

Top Tips for Making Change Work for You

“If you don't create change, change will create you”

When people ask me what I do as a job, I often describe myself as being ‘a catalyst for change’ or a ‘change facilitator’.  Change is constant and yet as human beings, we find adapting to it really difficult.  We are happy to upgrade to the latest iphone or Wii every five minutes though when it comes to dealing with unexpected situations such as redundancy or a relationship breakdown, we often struggle to cope.  There is the feeling of being out of control or losing the agency in our lives that we once had.

Susan, a client of mine came to see me following several changes in her life; she had just finalised her divorce, had moved up to the Midlands to pursue a new job though felt overwhelmed with the thought of creating a new life on her own. Immobilised with anxiety and panic attacks all the time, she literally had to force herself to leave the house in the morning. 

Change of choice

 

We may try and buffer ourselves from change by getting health insurance or savings, though ultimately, some situations remain out of our control.  As I began writing about ways of handling change, I considered how responses to change can reflect the experience of losing a loved one. Last week, Bombardier made 1400 redundant, following Egg's redundancies in Derby a few days before. I can only imagine the differing reactions of the staff- in particular, the sense of shock, fear, loss, and anger, as well as uncertainty about finding a way forward.  

Working with Susan, I could see she was still in shock over her divorce and filled with regrets about things she had done.  She came to understand that the anxiety she felt was a symptom of her feeling out of control of the situation, and her mind’s way of keeping her safe from experiencing more hurt and upset.  I explained that this was simply an adaptive response to what was happening and that we needed to work on creating more options for her to enable her to create change.

Let go of shoulds

The other word I hear a lot of working with clients is ‘should’- it ‘should be this way’, ‘I should be doing this’ and my response to this is ‘who says?’.  We all want life and the world to be a certain way and so often we fight reality and ‘what is’ by getting angry or depressed as we can’t control it.  In Susan’s case, she felt she ‘should be over the divorce by now’ and felt frustrated with herself for not feeling differently.  Until she did learn to accept herself for her decisions and that the situation had now changed, she remained stuck in anxiety and overwhelm.

Acceptance is a strategy

What I described above about ‘fighting reality’ is what I would describe as a reaction to circumstances- rather than taking a step back and reflecting on what we can change in the situation, we get upset and close down on any options.  Responding to a situation enables us to get some perspective on what is going on when we are probably too immersed in the thick of it at the time.  When we detach from it for a while and see it through different eyes, we start seeing solutions rather than problems. We also experience a greater sense of empowerment and acceptance of what is happening as we begin to refocus on the next steps forward. 

Top Tips for making change work for you:

1.    Get leverage!  Ask yourself, ‘what’s the worst possible outcome in this situation’?  and ‘Can I cope with that?’  Often the worst rarely happens though if we face it, we are more likely to be able to deal with it, if and when it does occur. Doing a SWOT analysis of your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats in the situation you are in is also useful to help you step back and reflect on what you might be missing. By understanding as much as you can about the new situation, you have a better chance of finding a place to fit in or adapt to it.

2.    Get anchored- Focus on which areas in your life are constant and stable right now. Feeling that sense of security in some aspects of your life can be a good anchor point to build on.  If you are in the place where change has left you feeling completely up ended in your life, go back to a time when you did feel that sense of safety, notice what kind of mindset you had then and step into that moment and experience all the good feelings you had then. Keep going back to that time and anchor it by putting your thumb and forefinger together on your right hand. Use this every day to reinforce the good feelings and change your state.


3.    Step into Possibility thinking- When we are in the midst of change and feel a loss of control, we can close doors on new possibilities.  I call this Limited thinking (as in it keeps you stuck where you are), whereas Possibility thinking is about opening doors; asking yourself the right questions, such as: ‘what new opportunities can this situation bring me?’ or ‘I wonder who I might meet today to help me move forward?’ can enable you to refocus on the positives.

4.    Implement- Rather than resisting change, go with it. If you are being forced to go in a certain direction then learn to adapt- make a plan of action for the short and medium term as to how you can implement your own changes in the situation and gain more autonomy in your life. Remember to also include supporters like friends and colleagues who can help encourage you with implementing your plans, and go back to the SWOT analysis for inspiration.


5.    Accept- One of my favourite sayings is: ‘what we resist persists, what we accept can heal’.  As I already said, with change, there can be the experience of loss and a grief process of which acceptance is the final stage.  It is also the most difficult stage though when you do get there, it is when you are really able to utilise the change in your life for the better to expand your own self growth, as Susan did.

It also begs the question- do some people cope better with change than others and what makes them more resilient? I will be talking about this in my next blog instalment.

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk

Avoidance is not a Strategy

“How soon 'not now' becomes 'never'.” Martin Luther

We all have our own habits of avoidance- from cleaning the house when we really need to prepare for that meeting, to oversleeping to avoid going to the gym.  Even when we know we have to face doing that particular thing, we often end up sabotaging ourselves once again and then inevitably feel guilty or frustrated.  You might ask yourself ‘why’ you keep doing it and feel powerless to change.

There is an element of self delusion in the process; procrastinators tell lies to themselves. Such as, "I'll feel more like doing this tomorrow." Or "I work best under pressure." The reality being that they do not get the urge the next day or work best under pressure. In addition, they protect their sense of self by saying "this isn't important." Another big lie procrastinators indulge is that time pressure makes them more creative. Unfortunately they do not turn out to be more creative; they only feel that way and they squander their resources.

Tom came to see me wanting help to overcome his procrastination issue. He summarised it as ‘putting his head in the sand’ to the point where he sabotaged everything; his boss was becoming increasingly frustrated with him under performing at work due to his seeming lack of motivation.  His wife was virtually set to leave him unless he sorted himself out as he avoided doing anything at home, even spending time with her (as he spent his evenings catching up on work).  Although Tom is an extreme example of how stuck you can become in procrastination patterns, it is easy to get to this point unless you address the underlying cause.  In Tom’s case, his chronic low self esteem and fear of failure prevented him from even trying to do things in the first place.

There are various causes of procrastination-the main ones are outlined below:

Perfectionism: Many people who procrastinate have a fear of not doing something "perfectly".  They constantly feel the need to wait for the perfect time and the perfect circumstances to take action.  Sadly, that never happens, so they keep holding back, waiting endlessly.

Fear of failure: People who procrastinate because of a fear of failure feel safer dreaming about the great things they'll do someday, but they avoid doing them now because they might fail.  They want to wait until they feel stronger and more capable before they take action, but they don't stop to think that strength and capability are developed by DOING, not thinking or dreaming.

Fear of success: As strange as it may seem, procrastination may also be caused by a fear of success.  Even though a person may think he or she WANTS to be successful, they worry about the potential burden(s) of success, the obligations, increased responsibility, increased attention from others, and more.  It feels safer to stay behind the scenes, dreaming of success but never daring to achieve it.  

Fear of the unknown: The unknown consequences of taking action can often cause a person to hold back, because as dissatisfied with their life as they may be, at least it's familiar.  These people often have the "one wrong move" syndrome, and they avoid taking action because they fear it might be the wrong action, which would cause more problems for them. 

Low self-worth: A person who doesn't believe they deserve happiness and success will usually avoid taking action to create it in their lives.  They'll remain locked in unpleasant circumstances, even though they desperately wish they could get out of them.

Low self-confidence: Sometimes procrastination is caused by a simple lack of confidence.  A person may desire to change, and believe they deserve a better life, but they hold back because they doubt their ability to make lasting changes.  Rather than try, they simply accept the "fact" that they can't do anything about it. 

Procrastinators actively look for distractions, particularly ones that don't take a lot of commitment on their part. Checking e-mail or Facebook is almost perfect for this purpose. They distract themselves as a way of regulating their emotions such as anxiety around failure. In Tom’s case, it got to the point where his fear kept him locked in a habituated state of avoidance- even though he wanted to change he couldn’t because the fear would be too overwhelming.  Until he learned to pass through the ‘pain barrier’ of fear, he was able to move forward and gradually resolve his anxiety.

As with Tom, once you understand why you're procrastinating, it's important to develop a plan to help you move forward.  A successful plan will involve:

1.    Addressing and altering your limiting beliefs: This will take consistent effort on your part, and a willingness to challenge your beliefs.  For example, if you believe you don't deserve a better life, you'll need to change that belief and convince yourself that you are worthy of having the things you want. Trying something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help you address this. 

2.    Taking action: It's ironic that the "cure" for procrastination is the very thing that causes the fear that creates it!  If you weren't afraid of taking action (for any reason), you wouldn't procrastinate.  In order to overcome procrastination, you need to be willing to take action in spite of the fear.  You need to build up your courage and ignore those fear-ridden thoughts that try to stop you. Start by prioritising what you need to do and break down each task into manageable stages to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

3.    Start small: The great thing about taking action is that it builds your confidence bigger and stronger every time you do it.  Even tiny actions have the power to change everything.  Most notably, you suddenly realize that there is nothing to fear.  Once you push through that initial terror, you realize that you're still okay.  This gives you the courage to take another step forward, and another.

4.    There is No Failure only feedback. It's important to be firm, yet gentle with yourself through this process.  It's good to push yourself a little bit, though not to the point that you backslide and give up completely.  Listen to yourself and begin to distinguish between your inner guidance and fearful thoughts.  The more you work at it, the clearer and easier it becomes though it is important to review your progress on a weekly or fortnightly basis and if it isn’t working, try something else. 

Procrastination is a destructive behaviour that that can take on a life of its own if left unaddressed. The good news is that changing these patterns is possible when you choose to take control and overcome your fearful thoughts as Tom did.  

As Arnold Bennet said, “We shall never have more time. We have, and always had, all the time there is. No object is served in waiting until next week or even until tomorrow. Keep going... Concentrate on something useful.”

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk

Feeling Mind-full?

“ Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”. John Lennon

I saw this phrase written on someone’s T-shirt the other day after returning from Birmingham on the train. I had to chuckle to myself as at the time, I was eating a sandwich, listening to my ipod whilst making a list of all the things I had to do for work over the coming week.  Like many people, I felt I was being super efficient by cramming as much into that spare half hour as I could, otherwise I’d be ‘wasting time’!  Seeing that man’s T-shirt made me stop in my tracks and question myself; ‘what was actually going on for me in this moment?’  I noticed myself feeling really tense and tight in my head and my mind felt like it was racing ahead like a steam train.  Sound familiar? Well it may be a result of feeling mind-full.

The opposite of being Mind-full- a phrase I coined to describe the state of cramming as much as we can into our lives, without being present is ‘Mindfulness’.  Being mindful isn’t about trying to get somewhere or achieving something, it is about just being conscious of where we are, wherever that is, and creating a space for experiencing the present moment. James Baraz puts it like this:

"Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).”

In that situation on the train, It was only when I stopped, checked in with my body and took a few moments to actually feel that I realised how much stress I was holding onto. I was also aware of how many stressed thoughts I was having like “I’ve got to go and do this” and “what if I don’t get time next week to meet her”, which again created more tension and anxiety- all over things that haven’t happened yet!  When I moved my awareness from my body to what was happening around me I also noticed that the sun was shining and the trees outside the window were full of cherry blossom. Did noticing these things change my situation? Not at all, though it certainly brought me back to the awareness of it, without the need to project myself into the past or future and create more thoughts, and subsequently enjoyed my experience of it more.

An analogy that Buddhist monk and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh uses is of feelings and thoughts being like “clouds in a windy sky”, just coming and going with the flow of our mind.  It is when we try and hook into these thoughts and allow our mind to create stress in our body-mind that we experience suffering or anxiety.  He suggests using the breath as our ‘anchor’ to the present though we can also use our experience of the moment.  For instance, the view of the train outside, the smell of the coffee I was drinking or even the sound of the man snoring next to me!  The question you might be asking when you read this though is “what if I want to escape the present when it is uncomfortable or unpleasant- surely that’s when I need to focus on the future!?”

The thing with Mindfulness is that it isn’t about making the present better or trying to get somewhere nicer in our experience- it is simply about being in this moment only, whether our minds judge it as being good or bad, it is just this moment.  Getting back into the practice of Mindfulness (rather than feeling Mind-full!) this week has certainly helped enrich my experience of life just within the last week.  Although I feel myself moving slower than I was before, I am actually more efficient, less stressed and noticeably calmer in even the most potentially stressful situations- even feeling serene in that traffic jam on the M1!  The beauty of Mindfulness is that is so simple and can be done wherever you are- here’s some tips on getting started.

Beginning to Be Mindful

1. Do one thing at a time. Single-task, don’t multi-task. When you’re pouring water, just pour water. When you’re eating, just eat. When you’re bathing, just bathe. Don’t try to knock off a few tasks while eating or bathing or driving. Zen proverb: “When walking, walk. When eating, eat.”

2. Do less. If you do less, you can do those things more slowly, more completely and with more concentration. If you fill your day with tasks, you will be rushing from one thing to the next without stopping to think about what you do. Even if you’re busy, it’s a matter of working out what’s a priority, and letting go of what’s not. 

3. Do it slowly and deliberately. You can do one task at a time, but also rush that task. Instead, take your time, and move slowly. Make your actions deliberate, not rushed and random. It takes practice, but it helps you focus on the task.

4. Create spaces. Related to the “Do less” rule, but it’s a way of managing your schedule so that you always have time to complete each task. Don’t schedule things close together — instead, leave room between things on your schedule. That gives you a more relaxed schedule, and leaves space in case one task takes longer than you planned.

5. Spend at least 5 minutes each day just being mindful. Just sit in silence. Become aware of your thoughts. Focus on your breathing. Notice the world around you. Become comfortable with the silence and stillness. If thoughts start coming up just say to yourself “this is just a thought” and gently change your focus and let it go.

6. Stop worrying about the future – focus on the present. Become more aware of your thinking — are you constantly worrying about the future? Learn to recognize when you’re doing this, and then practice bringing yourself back to the present. Just focus on what you’re doing, right now. Enjoy the present moment.

7. When you’re talking to someone, be present. How many of us have spent time with someone but have been thinking about what we need to do in the future? Or thinking about what we want to say next, instead of really listening to that person? Instead, focus on being present, on really listening, on really enjoying your time with that person.

8. Eat slowly and savour your food. Food can be crammed down our throats in a rush, but where’s the joy in that? Relish each bite, slowly, and really get the most out of your food. Most of us watch TV, read or make shopping lists (or all three!) whilst we eat.  Experiment with just eating and see what happens. 

9. Make cleaning and cooking become meditation. Cooking and cleaning are often seen as drudgery, but actually they are both great ways to practice mindfulness, and can be great rituals performed each day. If cooking and cleaning seem like boring chores to you, try doing them as a form of meditation. Put your entire mind into those tasks, concentrate, and do them slowly and completely. It could change your entire day (as well as leave you with a cleaner house).

10. Keep practicing. When you get frustrated, just take a deep breath. When you ask yourself, “What should I do now?”, the answer is “keep practicing”.  Remember there is no right or wrong way, there is just being where you are in that moment.

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk

Clearing the Clutter

“Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”  Albert Einstein

Spring is the traditional time for cleaning and clearing out the old, allowing space for the new.  It is almost as if the world emerges like a butterfly from its chrysalis, and everything feels renewed and energised again.  This pattern of birth and death in nature is often reflected in our own lives in a continuous cycle.  If we don’t flow with this cycle and let go of the old, it creates clutter or stasis which is when we start feeling energetically stuck or blocked, and dis-ease results. 

Clearing clutter from our lives can be extremely therapeutic, and although sometimes difficult if we have a tendency to hoard, it can be uplifting and energising.  Clutter clearance doesn’t need to apply just to our wardrobes and shelves- it applies equally to how we spend our time, how we think, eat and work.  As writer Dr Lawrence J. Peter once said: “If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?” 

Firstly, identify the source of your clutter. Is it made up of books and paperwork? Outdated old clothes, or new ones you’ve never worn? Anxious or worrisome thoughts? Maybe you’ve cluttered your life with acquaintances and people who really don’t need to be in it anymore; maybe your mind is cluttered with fears and obsessions that you can’t let go of; or your body is cluttered with extra pounds, aches or pains?

Many people who really want to clear up are full of motivation and raring to go- what a relief when it’s free from piles of papers, books and ‘stuff’!  No more will I lose my car keys or have to eat on a tray on the sofa as my table is full of junk. Motivated people see themselves living in an uncluttered environment, surrounded by order and feeling healthy and happy.  Goodbye depression and lethargy; hello joy and tranquil living. 

But is this realistic in practice? Sometimes, yes, if you are good at it and ruthless with your possessions or determined to change your mindset and be focussed enough.  Allowing yourself get bogged down or stuck in old patterns and the fear of letting go is the main hurdle when wanting to create space in your life. Doubts such as: Will I really be able to cope with out this object or person in my life?  What if I regret this decision later on?  Getting out of your comfort zone is the hardest thing to do sometimes though you need to ask yourself, what can I gain from taking a risk?  Often, when we take that leap, we feel a renewed sense of vitality and self esteem.

Claire, a client of mine discovered this when she decided to let go of her relationship with her long term partner of ten years.  Over the years, her self esteem and confidence was gradually eroded away by her boyfriend with his constant jibes and criticisms about everything from her accent to the way she looked.  She came to see me as she felt on the edge of a breakdown and was tormented by self doubt and guilt, with the belief that she must have been a ‘terrible person’ for him to treat her this way.  She wanted to leave this relationship as she knew it was the main root of these feelings, though felt too scared to be on her own.  Gradually, through having counselling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, she began to discover her inner strength again to the point where she was able to overcome her limiting thinking and transform her fear into courage, taking the action to get out of the relationship and over time, rebuild her self esteem.   

Action Points for starting to de-clutter your life:

• Write down a list of your clutter under the headings of work, home, relationships, emotions, thoughts and your health or body.
•  What purpose does holding on to this “clutter” serve in your life?
• How would you feel if you didn’t have it any more?
• What’s the “upside” of holding onto all your ‘stuff’?
• What would be frightening if you let go of some of it?
• What positive emotion does your clutter represent for you (love, security, comfort, warmth, wealth)?
• What is the “downside” of letting go of some or all of it?
• Prioritise the issues and choose 3 to work on this month.
• Ask yourself, what’s the first steps towards changing these things? Make an action plan now on paper for each of them.  Commit yourself to taking at least one action a day. 
• At the end of each week, review your progress and make another list for the following week, and so on.  This way, you will begin to chip away at the list and make progress gradually with de-cluttering your life.  

Remember with de-cluttering, it is important not to overwhelm yourself-making yourself feeling even more stuck is not the purpose of this exercise!  Some things are simpler than others to let go of though for most of us, we are prone to putting off when we feel as if it will be ‘difficult’ or ‘time consuming’.  The solution to this is to break it down into chunks and just do a little each day or each week and make clearing your life a life-long habit that you integrate into your everyday routine.  My first port of call will be my office desk- happy de-cluttering!

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk