Steps Towards Greater Happiness: Step 3: Let go of Obstacles

“Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail” Charles F. Kettering

The first thing I often teach my clients is about the unconscious mind and what a powerful driving force it is in our lives.  In fact, 90% of what we do is motivated by the unconscious; if our beliefs aren’t in alignment with what we want then we often sabotage ourselves.

Many of us are contradictions- part of us wants to be wealthy, the other part feels guilty or a fraud if we are.  Underlying limiting beliefs are often what hold us back from achieving our full potential.   

I once had a client who wanted to start his own business and move out of the sales role he was in. The fear around money was strong, especially the worry that his new venture could fail.  He wanted it to be successful though somehow, he doubted it would work and part of him wanted to stay in the security of his current job.

Identifying his limiting beliefs around himself and money and success, we were able to see what was stopping him from moving forward. We then worked on challenging the validity of his thoughts and questioning, “is this really true?”  Letting go or ‘softening’ a belief can enable us to overcome our obstacles to success.

Secondly, I asked him to focus on the beliefs he had that were going to move forward and encapsulate what he wanted to be as an entrepreneur. He then picked one of those beliefs and made it into a positive self belief statement about himself and repeated it to himself on a daily basis: “I am a really successful business man and I deserve all the money that I earn”.   What positive statement would work for you and your life?

Try doing the same and write down any negative beliefs and thoughts about yourself or the area of your life you want to change.  Think about the origins of this belief- was it a maths teacher that told you that ‘I can’t do maths’ or your dad that said to you ‘I’m no good at sport’?  Challenge whether they really valid and if they apply to you now?

Sometimes beliefs become a self fulfilling prophecy- we accept that they are true without making the effort to change or see beyond them.  You may have found maths difficult though perhaps you now do the book keeping for your business or you now enjoy tennis when you hated sport at school.  Let go of the views that are limiting you and start holding a new view of yourself, free from the past.  Start seeing life through fresh eyes and you might just be surprised at what you see.

Avoidance is not a Strategy

“How soon 'not now' becomes 'never'.” Martin Luther

We all have our own habits of avoidance- from cleaning the house when we really need to prepare for that meeting, to oversleeping to avoid going to the gym.  Even when we know we have to face doing that particular thing, we often end up sabotaging ourselves once again and then inevitably feel guilty or frustrated.  You might ask yourself ‘why’ you keep doing it and feel powerless to change.

There is an element of self delusion in the process; procrastinators tell lies to themselves. Such as, "I'll feel more like doing this tomorrow." Or "I work best under pressure." The reality being that they do not get the urge the next day or work best under pressure. In addition, they protect their sense of self by saying "this isn't important." Another big lie procrastinators indulge is that time pressure makes them more creative. Unfortunately they do not turn out to be more creative; they only feel that way and they squander their resources.

Tom came to see me wanting help to overcome his procrastination issue. He summarised it as ‘putting his head in the sand’ to the point where he sabotaged everything; his boss was becoming increasingly frustrated with him under performing at work due to his seeming lack of motivation.  His wife was virtually set to leave him unless he sorted himself out as he avoided doing anything at home, even spending time with her (as he spent his evenings catching up on work).  Although Tom is an extreme example of how stuck you can become in procrastination patterns, it is easy to get to this point unless you address the underlying cause.  In Tom’s case, his chronic low self esteem and fear of failure prevented him from even trying to do things in the first place.

There are various causes of procrastination-the main ones are outlined below:

Perfectionism: Many people who procrastinate have a fear of not doing something "perfectly".  They constantly feel the need to wait for the perfect time and the perfect circumstances to take action.  Sadly, that never happens, so they keep holding back, waiting endlessly.

Fear of failure: People who procrastinate because of a fear of failure feel safer dreaming about the great things they'll do someday, but they avoid doing them now because they might fail.  They want to wait until they feel stronger and more capable before they take action, but they don't stop to think that strength and capability are developed by DOING, not thinking or dreaming.

Fear of success: As strange as it may seem, procrastination may also be caused by a fear of success.  Even though a person may think he or she WANTS to be successful, they worry about the potential burden(s) of success, the obligations, increased responsibility, increased attention from others, and more.  It feels safer to stay behind the scenes, dreaming of success but never daring to achieve it.  

Fear of the unknown: The unknown consequences of taking action can often cause a person to hold back, because as dissatisfied with their life as they may be, at least it's familiar.  These people often have the "one wrong move" syndrome, and they avoid taking action because they fear it might be the wrong action, which would cause more problems for them. 

Low self-worth: A person who doesn't believe they deserve happiness and success will usually avoid taking action to create it in their lives.  They'll remain locked in unpleasant circumstances, even though they desperately wish they could get out of them.

Low self-confidence: Sometimes procrastination is caused by a simple lack of confidence.  A person may desire to change, and believe they deserve a better life, but they hold back because they doubt their ability to make lasting changes.  Rather than try, they simply accept the "fact" that they can't do anything about it. 

Procrastinators actively look for distractions, particularly ones that don't take a lot of commitment on their part. Checking e-mail or Facebook is almost perfect for this purpose. They distract themselves as a way of regulating their emotions such as anxiety around failure. In Tom’s case, it got to the point where his fear kept him locked in a habituated state of avoidance- even though he wanted to change he couldn’t because the fear would be too overwhelming.  Until he learned to pass through the ‘pain barrier’ of fear, he was able to move forward and gradually resolve his anxiety.

As with Tom, once you understand why you're procrastinating, it's important to develop a plan to help you move forward.  A successful plan will involve:

1.    Addressing and altering your limiting beliefs: This will take consistent effort on your part, and a willingness to challenge your beliefs.  For example, if you believe you don't deserve a better life, you'll need to change that belief and convince yourself that you are worthy of having the things you want. Trying something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help you address this. 

2.    Taking action: It's ironic that the "cure" for procrastination is the very thing that causes the fear that creates it!  If you weren't afraid of taking action (for any reason), you wouldn't procrastinate.  In order to overcome procrastination, you need to be willing to take action in spite of the fear.  You need to build up your courage and ignore those fear-ridden thoughts that try to stop you. Start by prioritising what you need to do and break down each task into manageable stages to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

3.    Start small: The great thing about taking action is that it builds your confidence bigger and stronger every time you do it.  Even tiny actions have the power to change everything.  Most notably, you suddenly realize that there is nothing to fear.  Once you push through that initial terror, you realize that you're still okay.  This gives you the courage to take another step forward, and another.

4.    There is No Failure only feedback. It's important to be firm, yet gentle with yourself through this process.  It's good to push yourself a little bit, though not to the point that you backslide and give up completely.  Listen to yourself and begin to distinguish between your inner guidance and fearful thoughts.  The more you work at it, the clearer and easier it becomes though it is important to review your progress on a weekly or fortnightly basis and if it isn’t working, try something else. 

Procrastination is a destructive behaviour that that can take on a life of its own if left unaddressed. The good news is that changing these patterns is possible when you choose to take control and overcome your fearful thoughts as Tom did.  

As Arnold Bennet said, “We shall never have more time. We have, and always had, all the time there is. No object is served in waiting until next week or even until tomorrow. Keep going... Concentrate on something useful.”

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk

Clearing the Clutter

“Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”  Albert Einstein

Spring is the traditional time for cleaning and clearing out the old, allowing space for the new.  It is almost as if the world emerges like a butterfly from its chrysalis, and everything feels renewed and energised again.  This pattern of birth and death in nature is often reflected in our own lives in a continuous cycle.  If we don’t flow with this cycle and let go of the old, it creates clutter or stasis which is when we start feeling energetically stuck or blocked, and dis-ease results. 

Clearing clutter from our lives can be extremely therapeutic, and although sometimes difficult if we have a tendency to hoard, it can be uplifting and energising.  Clutter clearance doesn’t need to apply just to our wardrobes and shelves- it applies equally to how we spend our time, how we think, eat and work.  As writer Dr Lawrence J. Peter once said: “If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?” 

Firstly, identify the source of your clutter. Is it made up of books and paperwork? Outdated old clothes, or new ones you’ve never worn? Anxious or worrisome thoughts? Maybe you’ve cluttered your life with acquaintances and people who really don’t need to be in it anymore; maybe your mind is cluttered with fears and obsessions that you can’t let go of; or your body is cluttered with extra pounds, aches or pains?

Many people who really want to clear up are full of motivation and raring to go- what a relief when it’s free from piles of papers, books and ‘stuff’!  No more will I lose my car keys or have to eat on a tray on the sofa as my table is full of junk. Motivated people see themselves living in an uncluttered environment, surrounded by order and feeling healthy and happy.  Goodbye depression and lethargy; hello joy and tranquil living. 

But is this realistic in practice? Sometimes, yes, if you are good at it and ruthless with your possessions or determined to change your mindset and be focussed enough.  Allowing yourself get bogged down or stuck in old patterns and the fear of letting go is the main hurdle when wanting to create space in your life. Doubts such as: Will I really be able to cope with out this object or person in my life?  What if I regret this decision later on?  Getting out of your comfort zone is the hardest thing to do sometimes though you need to ask yourself, what can I gain from taking a risk?  Often, when we take that leap, we feel a renewed sense of vitality and self esteem.

Claire, a client of mine discovered this when she decided to let go of her relationship with her long term partner of ten years.  Over the years, her self esteem and confidence was gradually eroded away by her boyfriend with his constant jibes and criticisms about everything from her accent to the way she looked.  She came to see me as she felt on the edge of a breakdown and was tormented by self doubt and guilt, with the belief that she must have been a ‘terrible person’ for him to treat her this way.  She wanted to leave this relationship as she knew it was the main root of these feelings, though felt too scared to be on her own.  Gradually, through having counselling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, she began to discover her inner strength again to the point where she was able to overcome her limiting thinking and transform her fear into courage, taking the action to get out of the relationship and over time, rebuild her self esteem.   

Action Points for starting to de-clutter your life:

• Write down a list of your clutter under the headings of work, home, relationships, emotions, thoughts and your health or body.
•  What purpose does holding on to this “clutter” serve in your life?
• How would you feel if you didn’t have it any more?
• What’s the “upside” of holding onto all your ‘stuff’?
• What would be frightening if you let go of some of it?
• What positive emotion does your clutter represent for you (love, security, comfort, warmth, wealth)?
• What is the “downside” of letting go of some or all of it?
• Prioritise the issues and choose 3 to work on this month.
• Ask yourself, what’s the first steps towards changing these things? Make an action plan now on paper for each of them.  Commit yourself to taking at least one action a day. 
• At the end of each week, review your progress and make another list for the following week, and so on.  This way, you will begin to chip away at the list and make progress gradually with de-cluttering your life.  

Remember with de-cluttering, it is important not to overwhelm yourself-making yourself feeling even more stuck is not the purpose of this exercise!  Some things are simpler than others to let go of though for most of us, we are prone to putting off when we feel as if it will be ‘difficult’ or ‘time consuming’.  The solution to this is to break it down into chunks and just do a little each day or each week and make clearing your life a life-long habit that you integrate into your everyday routine.  My first port of call will be my office desk- happy de-cluttering!

Alexandra Bacon is a certified Advanced EFT Practitioner, Counsellor, Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner, Wellbeing consultant and Trainer. To book your personalised treatment session please call Alexandra on 01629 825968/ 07950 568635. www.lotusheal.co.uk