Top 5 things you need to know to survive being a working parent

As Sheryl Sandberg says: ‘..there’s no such thing as work life balance. There’s work and there’s life and there’s no balance.’  ‘Work-life Balance’ can feel like an elusive ideal we should be aspiring for and yet feel we never quite achieve.  What with trying to ‘balance’ meetings at work, school runs, housework and then fit in some downtime and exercise (if you’re lucky), it can feel like a constant juggling act as a parent.

As a working parent myself to a 3-month old, I know how difficult it is trying to balance everything including a career, whilst trying to remain fully functioning and happy.  With increasing pressures on parents to maintain a good career to provide a nice lifestyle for their family and deal with the financial pressures this brings, it is no wonder Stress, Depression and Anxiety disorders are on the rise. Essentially, parents are often trying to cope with two full time jobs- the one that pays the bills and looking after the kids.

That aside, there are some things that parents often forget in the midst of the juggling act that make life that bit easier:

1.    Create a support Network outside the family

Being a working parent can be isolating and it’s important to gain external support.  Even if your social life has dwindled, ensure that you make time to speak to friends, on the phone or face to face (Facebook as a last resort!). I ensure I see at least one friend a week for a coffee or lunch to keep in touch. If you want to combine it with doing some exercise all the better! Online support can also be of benefit as well, especially to connect with other parents who may be going through similar issues. Try http://www.familylives.org.uk/ or http://www.netmums.com/ to find parenting forums or support groups.

2.    Create clear, flexible priorities

When you’ve got a demanding career and an active family life, you can often feel torn between your priorities and overwhelmed at trying to achieve too much at once. Having a more flexible approach can enable you to gain more sense of control over your life balance and move away from this constant state of stress.  One strategy for doing this is to list at the end or beginning of each week what your priorities are and look at what you can defer, delegate or delete from that list. Then set 2-3 clear goals for the week and put the other small goals that take a few minutes like phone calls in a ‘batch list’ and blitz these when you have some time though prioritise achieving the main goals first.

3.    Accept your limitations and what is ‘good enough’

Get out of the mindset of trying to be the perfect parent and start feeling ‘good enough’.  Deciding to keep a career going whilst being a parent inevitably means sacrifices have to be made on time spent with children. This doesn’t mean you have to then compensate with giving things, which is what parents often do to dispel their guilt.  Just accept the decisions you have made and then focus on making the time you do spend with your kids’ count- quality time matters more than anything.  Also accept your limitations and challenge your ‘ill be happy when…’ mentality as that only leads to severe dissatisfaction. Now is where you are.

4.    Find ways of being more present

Leading on from that, start exploring ways of being more in the moment.  I am sure you’ve already heard of ‘mindfulness’ if you haven’t dabbled in the practice already.  Having a ‘beginners mind’ is a Zen Buddhist practice, which essentially means being open and seeing things afresh like a curious child.  I rather like this idea as it involves getting out of your existing rut and habitual patterns and jumping into a new frame of wonderment and excitement. Ask yourself, if I had a beginners mind, how would I see my situation differently and what would I be telling myself?  Try a mindfulness practice for yourself and download the headspace app: https://www.headspace.com/ Having children also gives you an ample excuse to let the inner child out to play every now and then!

5.    Book appointments with yourself.

This might sound a bit desperate needing to set meetings with yourself though I’ve done this for myself as well as with clients and it really does work.  Think about it, would you ignore an important meeting in your diary? Not likely though often parents neglect their own needs and can end up feeling trapped in their responsibilities.  I teach all my clients about ‘enlightened self interest’, which is about prioritising your own wellbeing with the view that if you’re healthy and happy, you’ll be able to deliver your best to others. Being flexible in your priorities also means you can sometimes make space for yourself without feeling guilty and still be a good parent.  So book that spa day now!

Make your Marriage Last from the Start

 

Have noticed the appearance and increase in the idea of pre-wedding counselling or preparation recently?  You might have thought that couple counselling is only for couples who have problems. Alternatively you may be riding the crest of a loving wave happily preparing to spend the rest of your life with your beloved. However it is worth taking a closer look at pre-marriage Counselling.

Couples now have to contend with increasing demands that can affect their relationship such as balancing dual careers, childcare, finances and friends. Within this context it is not surprising that many couples that start off with positive intent can find themselves getting into bad habits and stuck patterns that can eat away at the relationship and become harder to fix when more entrenched. Added to this is a lack of traditional support as families live further away and Iead increasingly disparate lives. It is a sad fact that half of marriages end in divorce and it is estimated that only half of those that survive are happy ones. Although statistics on civil partnerships are less readily known early indications unfortunately suggest it is just as difficult to make these work. 

Pre wedding counselling acknowledges the reality of the challenges couples face in making their relationship work. Indeed a good skills based approach has been shown the reduce the chances of divorce by as much as 30% and lead to a happier marriage. It can also help which pre wedding stress. Therefore, it would appear that the idea of pre wedding or civil ceremony counselling might be worth considering to give your relationship the best chance of success.  After all it is one of the most important events in your life. Pre wedding counselling is available at Lotus Therapeutics with a qualified and registered Family Therapist who will get to know you as a couple including your strengths and limitations. You will then be offered a skills based approach to help supplement your existing strengths and help to prepare you for whatever life has to throw at you. 

Lotus also has Couple Counselling service for established couples who are either experiencing difficulties or also want to give their marriage a greater chance of success.

Coping with Endings- a Reflection

Coming into the New year we tend to focus on new beginnings and goals- wanting to lose weight, getting that job promotion.  Often we struggle however, to come to terms with unresolved endings from the previous year(s).   Instead of allowing ourselves the space to process our emotions, we often put our psychological baggage to one side and carry on regardless.  I often describe this denial state as a bit like adding logs to a fast flowing stream- eventually it creates a large dam and our ability to feel balanced and ‘flow’ with life gets inhibited.  Allow this to happen for long enough and you’ve got a very strong pressure to contend with!

We can all be guilty of just breezing though painful experiences like divorce or redundancy and not really acknowledging the impact on us at the time.  Or, on the other hand, we may allow ourselves to drown in the pain of loss and not be able to move forward or let go. 

Letting go isn’t easy.  I myself am currently processing a a lot of changes, mostly positive though equally unsettling- moving house (twice), starting another business and am about to welcome the arrival of my first child.  Initially, this sparked off a lot of fear as I’ve had to surrender to the fact that my life will never be the same, and nor will I.  As Anais Nin said: ‘Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.  Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.  This is a kind of death.’  Embracing endings is like stepping out of the chrysalis and into the light so we can stretch ourselves and live a deeper, more fulfilling life. This can be terrifying.

The temptation to resist out of fear can be strong though, as can the sense of wanting justice or consolation for our loss or pain.  What this only achieves is more pain and frustration for ourselves, which only disempowers us further.  Because change often happens organically, we are inevitably forced to take action at some point- write that letter, sign those divorce papers. Once we have taken ownership and control of the ending (as much as possible), we then allow space for new energy and create ground for those beginnings to flourish.   

This year, I encourage you to join me in my goal to ‘let go and live’ more fully in the present, not allowing the past to pull you backwards.  More simply, allow a bit of space to just be with your thoughts and feelings each day and practice surrendering to them, rather than judging or denying your experiences.  See how differently you feel doing this for a few weeks.  For inspiration on being more present, try reading Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Is Facebook Reducing your Wellbeing?

Facebook lowers life Satisfaction

According to a recent study Facebook can make us feel worse about ourselves and our lives.  Facebook is widely regarding as a way of keeping in touch with our friends and family and allowing us to stay well connected.  The study conducted by The universities of Michigan and Leuven in Belgium recruited a group of young people in their late teens and early 20’s to test this out.  Participants were text messaged five times a day for 14 days with an online survey asking questions like ‘How do you feel right now?’ and ‘How much have you used Facebook since the last time we asked?’ and completed a life satisfaction survey before and after.

The researchers reported that the more the participants used Facebook, the more unhappy and dissatisfied they felt with their lives; whereas direct social contact made them feel better about themselves and had no negative effects on their life satisfaction.  It was found that Facebook was more likely to be used when the individuals felt bad which subsequently made them feel worse.  Social comparison with peers and friends was cited as one of the main reasons which lead to increased feelings of dissatisfaction and lower states of wellbeing.  

Facebook linked to Narcissism

Other studies* looking at the correlation between social media use and narcissism in those in middle age also indicates that there is a link between narcissistic traits and amount of Facebook use.  In our self obsessed ‘generation me’ culture, people are seemingly more needy for validation and approval than ever before and with social media those needs are met instantly. Self worth may lower if we feel that we aren’t achieving the same amount of ‘likes’ on our posts or aren’t having as an exciting life as our peers as we perceive it.  The studies suggest however that certain personality traits such as exhibitionism can be magnified with use of social media rather than Social media being the problem in itself. 

Facebook isn’t the core issue

Studies conclude that there is no substitute for face to face contact though should we cut ourselves off from Social Media altogether?  It can be a source of great social support for younger and older generations alike and enables us to keep in touch with people when in our busy lives we wouldn’t otherwise do.  There are certain indicators like existing low self esteem issues and loneliness that make some more vulnerable to being affected by Facebook use. Like any platform, it is how and when we use it that is key to our Psychological wellbeing and it being a positive rather than a negative addition in our lives.  

Here’s 5 tips for keeping yourself and your family sane whilst using Facebook: 

1.  Keep Boundaries around yours and your family’s Facebook Use: With Smartphones and iPads, we are all switched onto Social Media 24-7 and it can easily eat up your spare time. Have certain times in the day when you switch it off and spend time speaking on the phone and face to face with your family and friends. 
2. Avoid Using Facebook when you’re in a low or frustrated mood.  As research suggests, it only creates a further downer when you do, so be more conscious of doing things like going out for a run or phoning a good friend to boost your mood.   
3. Ask yourself what is the purpose for you using Facebook and does it really add something positive to your life? If it doesn’t and the negatives outweigh the positives, consider deleting your account and encouraging your friends/family to use another social media platform like Instagram or Twitter to keep in touch.
4. If you or a family member is using Facebook because you’re feeling lonely or isolated, consider other options.  Social media is easily accessible though it can lower confidence and self esteem if other social outlets aren’t utilised.  Consider joining a group for a hobby you enjoy or starting a night class.  If you feel you need support to overcome your barriers, you may consider speaking to a Therapist for support. 
5.  Finally, try changing the way you use Facebook so it becomes a more positive social outlet in your life.  Rather than moaning for instance as a lot of people do (or on the other handing, showing off about how wonderful your life is!) try sharing something positive or inspiring that has happened to you or you’ve come across.  If certain ‘friends’ on Facebook become regularly annoying or negative, try deleting them from your Facebook newsfeed or deleting them altogether!  Weave a new social fabric in your life and experience your positivity grow.

*http://www.slate.com/blogs/future_tense/2013/09/24/facebook_s_for_middle_aged_narcissists_twitter_for_young_ones.html

How your Eyes are the Key to Releasing your Past

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”  Wayne Dyer

In the film, Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind, lovers Joel and Clementine (Jim Carey and Kate Winslet) try and erase their memories of each other following a fight.  As you watch the film in reverse, you witness the memories through the perspective of Joel’s unconscious mind as they are erased.  A lot of us might identify with wanting that ‘quick fix’ to dissolve the pain of our past or to get over a distressing ending in our lives.  Trauma does need time to process though being able to quickly detach from past memories and emotional pain is no longer the stuff of movies. 

A new form of treatment “Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing” (EMDR) developed by Francine Shapiro in the 1980’s has been shown to effectively help sufferers of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as well as other Anxiety, phobia and Mood disorders. The effectiveness of EMDR Therapy has been well established as the result of more than 20 randomized controlled studies. The idea of this therapy is to recall the experiences in a safe, comfortable environment, and this helps the individual to realise that they are no longer under threat, which reduces their anxiety and stress.

A Typical EMDR procedure:

1.   The therapist will discuss any expectations with you and what you want to achieve through the treatment. This is often to ensure that desires are realistic and they know how it can benefit them.

2.   The therapist then explains how the procedure will be carried out, and if you give consent, they will begin.

3.   First you are taught a simple breathing exercise to help with anxiety – facing your fears can be very stressful, and it’s important that they is calm and relaxed. A typical breathing exercise here is to breathe in through nose for 7 seconds, and out through the mouth for 11 seconds – this combination is known to trigger neurons in the brain associated with peace and relaxation.

4.   They begin; the therapist moves their finger in front of your eyes, continuing to do so, and you will find that their eyes naturally follow it, and that you get into the rhythm. 

5.   The therapist will then gently ask a question, such as “What was your first experience of ___?” or “How did you react to ____?” to get to the first memory to process. Of course, if they are not comfortable enough to answer, the therapist will not persist and the EMDR will continue regardless.

6.   The therapist then begins processing the memory and asks what you notice on each set of taps or eye movements every 15-30 second intervals. You will typically experience a change in the memories and feelings as the process continues and you feel more relaxed. I describe it as being on a train where the scenery changes but not getting off at any stop. 

7.   Towards the end of the therapy, you will be asked to visualise leaving through a doorway – this symbolises the end of an experience, leaving the memories and the pain behind. 

8.   Once the EMDR is finished, you will do more calming breathing exercises, and you will discuss with the therapist how you felt. Typically, treatment needed is between 2-4 sessions depending on the issue.

There are many variations of the EMDR procedure, including simple eye movements, watching an LED light travel and flash, listening to tones and many more.

Although EMDR is a budding, young method of therapy, it has been shown as very effective and more recent research has shown it to be helpful to sufferers of many things; eating disorders, addictions, OCD, panic attacks and anxiety. It is a safe therapy with no side effects.

Alexandra Bacon is an experienced EMDR Therapist based in the East Midlands. 

Looking out for Men's Mental Health

“If you add loneliness to depression, you really are in a world of… appalling pain.” – Stephen Fry

Men are beginning to seek more help through their GP's and visit therapists more than they were before.  A stigma still remains however around admitting to suffering from a mental health problem which creates further isolation and often a sense of hopelessness and despair. Suicide rates have shown that men are three to four times more likely to commit suicide than women.  We need to consider why that is, and what we can do to address it.

Possible reasons for higher rates of male suicide include: 

•     Men are less likely than women to talk about their feelings – they tend to isolate themselves.

• Men are less likely to seek professional help (e.g. counselling, therapy, medication) than women.

• Men have higher rates of drug and alcohol misuse than women, and are much more likely to use this to mask their symptoms of depression.

• They demonstrate their feelings externally (e.g. shouting, getting angry) and close things off internally (e.g. “I’m fine”)

And, above all:

• Social ideals and pressures of masculinity demands that men “Stay strong” or, here’s a good one, “man up”.

It must be recognised and understood that men too are victims of domestic violence, sexual violence such as rape, and violence and abuse from other men. It is all too overlooked; as a society we often think of women as being more vulnerable to these things, especially the domestic and sexual violence, but this is not the case. It is possible that men simply do not report the incidents as often, because they are maybe embarrassed or ashamed. 

What can we do about this?

Men’s Minds Matter is an organisation that hopes to better raise awareness of male problems and mental health issues, and also to provide support for those and the families of those who are affected. They have been “working closely with other psychologists, professionals and organisations to develop ideas on how to improve the psychological wellbeing of men and boys” says the Director of Men’s Minds Matter, Dr Luke Sullivan. Through this, they have begun The Men’s Institute, which as well as being very useful is another step to recognising that men need this support, as well as women do. 

If would like more information about this matter or no someone who might benefit from it, visit http://www.mensmindsmatter.com/ or http://www.mensmindsmatter.com/the-mens-institute.html for resources and support.

Other organisations such as Mind http://www.mind.org.uk/ and Time to Change http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/ will also be useful, and also Terry Real’s book, “I don't Want to Talk About it: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression” is a very good and helpful read.

Considering visiting your GP or speaking to a Therapist might also help you to start resolving some of your underlying issues and gain more support.  For more information on our services, visit www.lotus-therapeutics.com.