Steps Towards Greater Happiness: Step 3: Let go of Obstacles

“Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail” Charles F. Kettering

The first thing I often teach my clients is about the unconscious mind and what a powerful driving force it is in our lives.  In fact, 90% of what we do is motivated by the unconscious; if our beliefs aren’t in alignment with what we want then we often sabotage ourselves.

Many of us are contradictions- part of us wants to be wealthy, the other part feels guilty or a fraud if we are.  Underlying limiting beliefs are often what hold us back from achieving our full potential.   

I once had a client who wanted to start his own business and move out of the sales role he was in. The fear around money was strong, especially the worry that his new venture could fail.  He wanted it to be successful though somehow, he doubted it would work and part of him wanted to stay in the security of his current job.

Identifying his limiting beliefs around himself and money and success, we were able to see what was stopping him from moving forward. We then worked on challenging the validity of his thoughts and questioning, “is this really true?”  Letting go or ‘softening’ a belief can enable us to overcome our obstacles to success.

Secondly, I asked him to focus on the beliefs he had that were going to move forward and encapsulate what he wanted to be as an entrepreneur. He then picked one of those beliefs and made it into a positive self belief statement about himself and repeated it to himself on a daily basis: “I am a really successful business man and I deserve all the money that I earn”.   What positive statement would work for you and your life?

Try doing the same and write down any negative beliefs and thoughts about yourself or the area of your life you want to change.  Think about the origins of this belief- was it a maths teacher that told you that ‘I can’t do maths’ or your dad that said to you ‘I’m no good at sport’?  Challenge whether they really valid and if they apply to you now?

Sometimes beliefs become a self fulfilling prophecy- we accept that they are true without making the effort to change or see beyond them.  You may have found maths difficult though perhaps you now do the book keeping for your business or you now enjoy tennis when you hated sport at school.  Let go of the views that are limiting you and start holding a new view of yourself, free from the past.  Start seeing life through fresh eyes and you might just be surprised at what you see.

Steps Towards Greater Happiness: Step 2: Discover your Ideal Life

 

“Success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal or ideal.”   Earl Nightingale

Have your ever imagined what your ideal life might look like? If I could wave a magic wand or like Aladdin grant you three wishes, what would they be?  Would you really know what you wanted or like the fairy tale, choose something then regret it later?

I often hear clients use the phrase of ‘when I get x or y I will be happy’; the dream for many is winning the lottery or marrying a millionaire to solve their problems, whilst doubting it will ever happen. This can then become the excuse for not being happy or not taking action to tweak their existing life.  As Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh said, ‘there are already enough conditions on happiness’- if we can be happy in the present, it is easier to move forward towards the life we aspire to.  

A good place to start with the life you want is to examine all the things you aren’t happy or content with at the moment. Think of all the things that really annoy you and that you don’t want to put up with anymore.  (Note to reader: this isn’t an excuse to blame or attack others who are in your life, just to highlight what needs to change and it might also be your responses to others!)  For example, it could be the rubbish in the study or the way your children speak to you which annoys you. 

It may also be that your mindset needs to change and be more positive.  One of my clients got fed up of the way he kept criticising himself for everything he felt he did wrong, which then was turned on his family when he returned from work.  When he began relaxing his ‘inner critic’ a little and using it to help him be better at things, rather than diminish himself and others he felt happier.  He was able to give himself positive feedback at the end of each day and also be more encouraging to his wife and kids around their achievements.  

When you’ve realised the negative things that need to change, it is time to begin honing in on the positives.  Start noticing all the things you enjoy- what you would like to keep and build on. A suggestion I gave to this same client was to go through your whole day and focus on what you really liked and found positive.  It could be something as small as someone smiling at you in the street or playing your favourite song in the car.  Then taking these instances, you might start to realise that you really enjoy your job or helping other people and that you would like to enhance those experiences even more.  What else could you do to enhance yours and others life?  What could you add to your day to make it just a bit more special or happy?

An ideal life is made up of a series of joyful moments, not just one end goal.  By eliminating as far as possible those things that aren’t working for you and making what you already do more worthwhile, you are increasing your chance of creating your ideal life.

In the next step, I will talk about how to overcome what is holding you back from experiencing happiness.

Steps Towards Greater Happiness: Step 1: Learn what you want

 "Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence” Aristotle

‘Curiosity killed the cat’ we’ve been told- often avoiding looking at our selves and just carrying on our own sweet way seems easier. Have you ever stopped to question, ‘is this what I really want out of life’?  Most of us cheat ourselves of a happy or more content existence than is possible and then blame others or situations for not pursuing our joy.  How curious are you about what lies beyond your present life; how interested are you in yourself?

We often identify ourselves with labels such as ‘wife’, ‘mother’, ‘executive’ though forget or neglect ourselves as a person and our true essence.  What is it that you enjoy, aspire to be or do in life this year or next- are you happy, I mean really?  These are all quite ‘bigger picture’ questions so don’t allow me to overwhelm you though just pause  for a moment and write down a list of what it is that makes you happy. Don’t analyse or edit, just flow with whatever comes to mind and don’t stop until you run out of ideas.  

Next, tick those that are already included in your life to whatever extent then look at what’s left.  What is it that you’re not doing or putting off?  Is there something on that list you could try this week or at least this month?  If it involves others such as friends then call them up- don’t delay!  If it is an activity you can do alone then book it in your diary as an appointment with yourself. I often suggest this to clients then at least you are making an agreement with yourself to do it. 

Another way of doing this is to look at yourself through the eyes of a four year old child and focus on the person you are and what you like. Rediscovering hidden parts of yourself is the key to creating your ideal life.  Connecting with that four year old child and allowing that fun part to come forward and tell you what makes him or her happy.  

How often do you talk about ‘having’ to do something or that I ‘should’ or ‘must’ do that? How often do you use the word ‘but’ (“I really want to go walking with you, ‘but’ I don’t really have time”?) These are all excuses and ways of sabotaging or compromising yourself and your happiness. Compromise can then become a way of life if we allow it to be. 

Engage that four year old child for a minute and tune more into what has made you happy in the past and what you value.  What has been the peak experiences of your life so far? What was it about each memory that was important or happy to you?  What did you used to enjoy as a child? Sometimes looking that far back can help us rediscover our joy as an adult.  Write another list and compare it to the first one- is there any similarities? Each of our decisions connects with values that are important to you and what steers your life. Be more interested in what matters to you.

Until you know what you want or who you are, you are a bit like a boat without a set course, just drifting around in a vast ocean. We need to be flexible though also have clear aims in life.  Now, before you put yourself off, make that decision to focus your life and make that next step to change. Next week I will be focusing on how to create your ideal life.

Tips for Allowing more Fun in your Life

“Man consists of two parts, mind and body, only the body has more fun”.  Woody Allen

What does ‘fun’ mean to you?  For many of us it is a reward for working hard or a way of releasing stress, often involving a delay in gratification.  We have different words for it though how many of us have enough fun?

When asked on a training course recently what my key values were in life, fun came up on my top ten.  I then had to question whether I was really living this value in my everyday life.  There were moments in my personal life and in my work where I allowed myself to be playful and spontaneous, though on further reflection, I realised I don't give myself enough opportunity to have fun, and limit my enjoyment in the process.  

A lot of us can allow either our limited conditioning, circumstances (lack of money, poor family/personal relationships) or bad habits restrict our sense of fun.  We might tell ourselves that we need to get the chores done or write that report first and result in rationing our fun to special occasions like a big night out or a birthday party.  Sometimes being an adult and ‘responsible’ in our work and relationships means we can constrain that emotional, child part of us that also needs nurturing.  Often how we learn to have fun or play is taught at a very young age and if it was encouraged or inhibited can create our rules on fun in later life. Though as Katherine Hepburn said: “If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.”

Tips for allowing more fun:

 1.    Define for yourself what “playing” and "fun" mean to you. Make a list of all the fun things you used to do as a child and compare it to the things you do now. Are there any you could bring into your life now?  How do you have fun now and what is it about those things that is important to you?  Are you able to have fun with friends and family and not on your own or vice versa? Learn to redefine what fun means to you and allow yourself to move the goalposts if necessary.

  

2.    Write down all your excuses for not having fun or ‘fun blockers’. Start with writing at the top of the page: ‘I choose to allow myself to have fun, but..’, then spend a few minutes writing a list of bullet points of things that come to mind.  It might also bring up unconscious beliefs that you weren’t aware of such as ‘mum will disapprove’, or ‘I feel guilty’.  Once you’ve done it work on challenging them- how helpful or valid are they for you in your life at present?  

  

3.   Model people who are good at having fun.  Ask them ‘how do they do that?’- what are their beliefs or attitudes around play and fun and how can you learn from them?  Observe children and how they allow themselves to be spontaneous and playful- they are our greatest teachers for having fun.

  

4.    Allow yourself to experiment with different ways of having fun. Make a list of different fun activities (including things you’ve never done before) such as trying rock climbing, painting or going to the cinema.  Don’t edit yourself based on them being childish or a ‘waste of time’- be prepared to let go of old modes of thinking and behaving.  Action at least one thing on your list a week and don’t restrict yourself to weekends or when you have ‘deserved’ it- just do it!

  

5.    Do something new or different each day and break your routine habits. For instance, trying a new filling in your sandwich, walking a different way to work or visiting an art gallery in your lunchtime.  Reflect at the end of your day on how much fun you have had- what could you have done differently that would have enhanced your day?

  

6.    Discover what makes you laugh. The therapeutic benefits of laughter are proven though how many of us laugh every day? Try watching one funny film or comedy a week, go to a comedy club or look up funny sites on the internet. If you are finding it difficult, think about things that have made you laugh in the past or a humourous story and remember why you found it funny.

  

7.    Finally, be alert for any opportunities to have fun through the day on your own and with others. Affirm to yourself regularly you’re right to have fun and be aware of your inner critic blocking or sabotaging you.  Stretching yourself a little each day eventually expands your comfort zone of fun.  And remember, as Dr Seuss said, “fun is good.”

How to enjoy being Alone

“Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.”

Paul Tillich

A client who’d recently separated from her partner asked me the other day: “how do you do being alone, I just don’t know how?”  We are told that being ‘alone’ is different from being ‘lonely’ though for some the two can be intertwined.  We use music, Facebook, anything to ‘avoid the void’ of feeling lonely and distract ourselves from experiencing fear.  At the same time, we often crave solitude in a world that’s switched on 24/7.  It can be a challenge to slow down and just ‘be’ with ourselves.

We are indeed social animals and accordingly seek out others to spend time with;  ‘No man is an island’ as John Donne famously said.  The illusion of ‘needing’ people runs deep in society, as does the belief that being alone equals being unhappy and isolated.

Thomas Moore, author of Care of the Soul, says, "We seem to have a complex about busyness in our culture. Most of us do have time in our days that we could devote to simple relaxation, but we convince ourselves that we don't." It seems there is always something that needs doing, always someone who needs our attention. "Unfortunately," Moore says, "we don't get a lot of support in this culture for doing nothing. If we aren't accomplishing something, we feel that we're wasting time."

Being alone in solitude allows clarity and creativity. "We live in an extremely externalized culture," Moore says. "We are constantly pulled outside ourselves—by other people, by the media, by the demands of daily life. Nothing in our culture or in our education teaches us how to go inward, how to steady the mind and calm our attention. As a consequence, we tend to devote very little time to the life of the soul, the life of the spirit."

Tips for embracing solitude:

Go on a date with yourself: Start with a small with an activity that you would normally do with another person such as going out to dinner or to the cinema.  Go into it with an open and positive mind and be curious- how different/enjoyable is the experience when doing it alone?  My favourite time for being alone is outside in nature, free from the distractions of my phone and laptop.  Solitude and isolation do not go hand in hand. We can retreat from the world for a time without being renounced by it. 

Try something new: Being with another person may help life feel safer though we can also end up avoiding trying new things and experiences and life can become stale and predictable.  What have you been putting off in your life that you haven’t done or tried yet? Make a list of at least ten things and then create an action plan of when you’re going to start them.  If it is something that involves some planning like going travelling or writing a book, chunk down the process into smaller steps. Then, take action!
 

Learn to connect with yourself: Of course, “It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself." Most of us are too busy trying to avoid feeling alone and staying focused on the external world, which results in us neglecting our internal state-our mind and emotions.  Taking time out to reflect on what you feel is positive use of ‘alone time’ and enables you to check out whether you are meeting your own needs as well as others.  Get to know and make friends with yourself.  Start with just 5 mins at the end of the day to reflect on how you have felt through the day and what has been good can help promote positive feelings and also get you more attuned with yourself.

 

Learn to switch off: Staying connected to others, technology and the world for too long can be draining and lead to stress and fatigue.  Ensuring you have time out to yourself is important in order to recoup your energies and maintain good boundaries in your relationships.  If you find this difficult with certain people in your life, ask yourself ‘What is it about this person or relationship that I can’t allow myself space for myself?’ Are you being a pleaser or scared of how they might react if you decide to have time to yourself?

 

Reach out to others: Learning when you need time to be alone and time to connect with other people is important to avoid feeling isolated.  Experiencing a relationship break up or bereavement for example can leave you feeling distant from others and the world.  Learning ways of gradually reconnecting with the world again is important.  Trying something like joining an online community forum, support group or taking up an evening class can be a good start to enable you to feel a part of the world again.

 

We need to balance the pace and intensity of modern life with periods of what poet May Sarton has called "open time, with no obligations except toward the inner world and what is going on there." Alone—in moments of prayer or meditation, or simply in stillness—we breathe more deeply, see more fully, hear more keenly. We notice more, and in the process, we return to what is sacred.